Romantic Love vs. Kinky Play

I have a hard time dealing with this dichotomy. What blend of romantic love and kinkiness do I want in my life?

I’ve known from an early age that my relationships can’t survive on vanilla alone. I have these urges and desires deep inside of me. They gnaw away at my thoughts and consume me from time to time. My pleasures swing like a pendulum to and fro between wanting to be held down and fucked senseless to cuddled and made love to. The distinction between leather and lace for me.

I walk the line between two worlds, neither of which I feel entirely comfortable in. The vanilla world lacks excitement for me. Guys who bristle at the idea of using a toy in the bedroom much less holding a woman down while he’s doing it. At the same time the men who are so dominant as to not want to cuddle with me don’t appeal to me either. I like being held close, made to feel like I’m wanted, safe and protected. Guys who say they don’t cuddle lose some kind of luster when they say that.

Whenever I start talking to a potential interest lately, I can’t help but feel like they don’t see me for me. They don’t see beyond the body or the fantasies. I am more than a set of holes for your use. Sure, they are there for you to use as you please, but there is also something more to me than just that. My heart is what is really important. My heart and my brain.

For a man to truly own me and control me, he has to have my heart. He needs to make me want to submit. That I love him so much that my submission is my ultimate gift for him, a gift that he should treasure and hold sacred.

Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I want it all. Perhaps I am too naive in the ways of the world at my age. Perhaps I have not experienced enough to know you can’t always get what you want.

Honestly I don’t know ultimately if I will find what I am looking for. I hold out hope that there is someone out there for me, searching, wishing and waiting just like I am for a woman just like me. That we share the same lonely nights and need for more than what we currently have. Because without the hope that someone is perfect for me and me for him, I don’t have much of anything left.

Kink is great fun and gets me wet. But at the end of the day, it is ultimately the love of a deep and meaningful relationship I crave.

The bruises are just a bonus.

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