Review: Secret Buzz Remote Bullet Vibrator thru GoodVibes.com

Okay, everybody. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Well perhaps it’s not so secret if you know me. I’m kinky. I know right? Huge surprise!

My kinks are wide and varied and include some more vanilla things and even some deep dark secret fantasies I only share with my closest friends and loved ones. A kink I’ve carried with me for the longest time is to be controlled remotely by another person, a dominant person. Usually it involves some kind of toy inserted in me and them holding the remote, activating the toy whenever they please to see me squirm.

In my travels through Sex Toy Land, I’ve come across many remote control vibes claiming to be fantastic. They’ve espoused their own virtues about range, vibration strength and other fantastic features. There are two problems with most of them sadly: (1) they are out of my price range as a lowly student or (2) they fall short when it comes to features or have inherent design flaws.

I had such high hopes for the Secret Buzz Remote Bullet Vibrator sold through Good Vibrations. The idea that I could have a remote vibrator for someone to control me at a distance? Unffff, I love. But sadly, this vibe fell short and ended up falling into the second category of problems that usually befall remote controlled vibrators.

Let’s start off with the specs of this toy. The actual insertable portion of the vibe is the piece seen on the right side of the picture in this review. At the end of the black cap that seals the battery compartment is a black looped string/wire that makes the bullet itself be retrievable once inside your vagina. Though it’s near impossible to lose something in your vagina, you definitely don’t want to have to go to the ER to explain why you need help finding this. The actual shell of the egg is made of ABS plastic. It’s hard to the touch and has absolutely no give. This makes it … well, difficult to insert unless your vaginal opening is pretty stretched out. Let’s just say it took a lot of slow stretching and deep breaths to get this sucker inside me. Once inside my vagina I felt the thickness of it for sure. For an egg, this vibe is very thick. It’s 1 1/4″ in diameter, probably the side of most average dildos. I’m not complaining about the size once it’s inside you, but rather that initial insertion is difficult even with the slightly pointed head.

The ABS plastic is smooth to the touch and almost velvety. When the battery cap is screwed on tightly, there’s no large seams or scratchy parts that could otherwise irritate the inside of your vagina. There is a gasket that seals out any fluids and the string at the end of the egg doesn’t appear to have any place for bacterial to collect. I looked all over the packaging and inside the care manual and couldn’t find a mention of this vibrator being waterproof. This means that while you can run it under water to clean it, you shouldn’t submerge it for any period of time because water can get into the battery compartment and possibly give you a shock.

The remote that controls the egg is very easy to use. Once you install the 12V battery that comes included with the vibe into the backside of the remote, you can very easily figure out how to use it. There’s one little round power button in the lower right hand side of the front. The vibration pattern and intensity can be scrolled through with the heart shaped button, right being a + sign and left being a – sign. There are ten different vibration patterns to scroll through, ranging from the initial low steady vibration to a higher steady vibration. There are also alternating patterns with different vibration patterns. The remote itself has the same ABS plastic material for it’s shell. Smooth to the touch and easy to hold. The screen is easy to read and shows you the vibration pattern and what number it is. It also indicates when the battery in the remote is low.

Okay so we’ve talked about all the specs. Now I guess is when I have to tell you why I found this toy to be lacking. Let’s start with the fact that when I received this toy, the included AAA batteries were already corroded. Not an issue itself cause I have my own, but something that did kind of tick me off. Didn’t start me off on the right foot here.

Secondly, I think this toy has some serious problems with the remote linking. I could be across the room and not even holding the remote or have it on and the vibe would randomly turn on. Completely spontaneously without me even pressing buttons. Ummm … what? Okay fine, so I took the vibe and placed it away from the remote. It still turned on without me even touching it! Gah! I even woke up in the middle of the night one time wondering what the heck that noise was to find my vibe had turned itself on! That’s so not cool. It’s a remote toy and should only remotely turn on when I tell it to, not when it feels like. Plus it is a serious drain on battery life. I finally had to remove one of the batteries from the egg just to get some peace from the spontaneous vibrations.

Do I think this toy has potential? Yes! Maybe I just got a deficient one. Maybe mine’s broken. I don’t know. But it just seemed super weird to me that this toy would do this, especially at the price Good Vibes is selling it. I hope I just got a malfunctioning toy because there are so many things I would love if it worked properly. I had a friend suggest that something near me was on the same remote frequency and thus causing it to turn on and off. Well, I do live in an apartment building with closely positioned apartments so it’s entirely possible. But still, I’m not sure I’d like that if that was indeed the case. How can you be entirely sure what you’re clicking is what is being received? What if your next door neighbor wants to watch ESPN and you want to get your lady off? I don’t think the two should interact.

So what did I like about the Secret Buzz Remote Bullet Vibrator? I’m going to be extremely weird and say the packaging. It’s a black and white box with neon pink lettering. The large words are in French with everything subtitled in English. The packing is covered in black and white cartoon drawings, reminding me of the Housewives at Play series I love so much. They depict a woman pleasuring herself and presumably using this toy internally. The front cover opens up to the left and is magnetic. The inside has more of the same cartoons and is really pretty. This toy comes with an instruction book with every conceivable language inside.

The remote for this vibe takes a 12 volt battery and the vibe itself takes two AAA batteries. The battery life is heartbreakingly short compared to other vibes that take AAA batteries. The remote battery has an even shorter lifespan. ‘Tis very sad indeed. A mere two weeks after first installing the battery in the remote and it’s already flashing at me to replace it without having used it except maybe twice during that two week period.

The bottom line is that the Secret Buzz Remote Bullet Vibrator available at Good Vibrations is a fun toy in theory. I really want to find a remote toy that functions well and has all the features I like. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to be that toy for me. I had desperately hoped it would be and gave it many an opportunity, but I just don’t quite think it’s there yet. 

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