Reevaluating My Own Words

On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.

In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.

I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.

I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.

This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.

And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.

Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.

The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.

That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.

4 thoughts on “Reevaluating My Own Words

  1. JonsBabydoll

    I hate to sound so… bitchy? But here goes…

    I feel like you don’t know what you are looking for, which is cool, you are young, you don’t NEED to know what you are looking for. But honestly, from an outsider’s point of view, you just look desperate. I’m not saying that to be mean, I’m saying it so maybe you can wonder why an outsider would think that, and perhaps reflect on it.

    I wholeheartedly believe that you have to love yourself completely before really being able to find love in another or receive proper love from another.

    In the short time that I’ve known you [on the internet granted but still] it seems like you have had these strong whirlwind feelings for multiple people. This totally could be a real thing for you, which if it is, awesome. But from an outsider point of view, it is just another almost-pathetic cry for love.

    JMHO. Don’t mean to come off mean/bitchy.

    Reply
  2. Isabel0329

    Honestly? I can see how people would think that. I worry about my own emotions and how they swing to and fro. I don’t deny I seem like that, but at the same time only I know what is inside my own heart. I struggle with seeing the difference between infatuation, lust and love.

    I think though that people who know me would confirm much of what I’ve said here. I actually fall for people very easily and find these feelings at least for me to be very genuine.

    I know you’re not trying to hurt me and just provide honest feedback, but I don’t deny this didn’t hurt. In the last 48 hours I’ve gone through some very intense emotional swings and evaluated a lot of things about myself. I write very freeform and stream of consciousness. I write what I feel and take my time thinking about it.

    Sigh. I do understand where you’re coming from though. I think maybe I need to contemplate on this more before saying more.

    Reply
  3. June Bug

    Dear Is,

    Whether is is for me, V, or the post man. Your feelings are your own. It was good for you to own them no matter how quickly they may change. Bravo!!! If we are loved for only a second of you time, then it was the best second spent to date.

    Reply
  4. Vincent R

    Shrugs. As the V in question I can only give my point of view. I’ve been in love before. I’ve had slow burn romances and whirlwind ones. I know when I’m in love. We didn’t set out looking for someone far away from us to start a relationship with. We were happy in our own little bubble, with our Tertiary relationship who would visit when she felt like it. Then We meet our undercover kinkster. And there was a spark. Being someone opposed to Long Distance Relationships on general principle. I certainly didn’t want to think about moving. Or leaving behind our friends and family on a gamble. A risk. But the more the three of talked the more it seemed right. Then something interesting happened; A friend sent me a link. A job had opened somewhere close to Isabel0329. So In two days I threw together a package and submitted it. No word on If I’ll even get an interview but the longer we talked the more things fell into place to facilitate a move. I don’t believe in god, or gods, or goddesses, or some great amazing force uniting us all. But I believe somethings are fated. I’m willing to pack it up and move. Leaving behind years of hard work on a gamble. Start a new job and build friendships all over again. On a Chance. A chance that someone as amazing as Isabel has shown her self to be would want to become a part of Us. Want to live, love and grow with us. If tomorrow I woke up and Isabel said good bye I’d be happy for what we had.If five years from now, we wake up, uncurl from around each other and she decides she wants to move on, well I’d be happy for those moments we had together. The World doesn’t guarantee you happiness, so I grab it where and when I can. I wouldn’t trade what we happy three have for anything in the world.

    Reply

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