My mind is not a good place to be lately. There’s been a lot of turmoil in my head lately about things in my life lately. I’ve been in probably the deepest depression I’ve experienced in my life. The past few weeks have been better and I thought I was out of it, but the last twelve hours has brought it back full force. I woke up at 2 a.m. and just laid in bed, curled in the fetal position.
I think what’s upsetting me most lately is that I am overwhelmingly lonely. I have legions of followers, friends and admirers and yet I lay in bed every night alone. Every night I long for the feel of safe, comforting, warm, welcoming arms around me and yet I have none. There’s people around the world who lust after me and yet I’m alone. Not trying to sound like an egomaniac; there literally is people around the world that I know of.
Ever since my relationship with V and J broke up I’ve had this empty feeling in my heart. They’ve moved on and hell, I thought I had too. But the more I think about it the more I realize I miss them. I miss the feelings I got from them, the support, the love, the unconditional love. I miss the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being attached to someone. I always thought I was the kind of woman who didn’t have to have a man (or woman) in my life. That I wouldn’t be defined by who I was dating or who I wasn’t dating. But since really getting involved with people, really planning my life with someone, I’ve found living without that kind of attachment is really hard for me. Maybe I’m a serial dater. That I swing from one relationship to the next so quickly without any down time. I honestly don’t know.
I find myself seeking out attention and needing to have someone’s approval. This is the submissive part of me. I need someone there to tell me I’m being a good girl and I’m making them happy. When I don’t have that, I feel lost. Like I have no goal and no one to tell me what I’m doing right or wrong. I know I should internally know these things. That I should have this internal sense of accomplishment. Since getting in touch with my submissive side, I’ve found that this internal voice has gotten much quieter. I seek and crave an external voice telling me these things.
I have so many things I want to say and so many things I want to excise from my head. This, writing these things down, is a form of therapy for me. it cleanses me. Ever since I was a little child, my preferred way of dealing with problems or things too emotional or difficult to deal with was repression. It simply wasn’t happening. So far it’s worked out for me in life, but lately it’s not working so well. These things I’ve long since repressed are coming to the surface and causing problems for me.
This deep sense of loneliness weaves through everything I do and crawls into my very soul. I wake up alone in bed and want someone there. Even if they’re not there, I want someone only a call away. I need it, not just want it. By now I need it to be sane. I wish I could explain to you how many times I’ve laid in bed at night and cried into my pillow with how lonely I am. How many times I’ve had to convince myself that I’m okay and I can do this thing called life when I clearly am having problems.
I’m not this unbreakable, immovable force of nature. I’m not made of steel. I’m a little girl in a grown up body. I’m in need of cuddles more than sex. In need of being held and having my hair stroked. Whispered words of love and desire. How beautiful I am, how they want me and need me in their life. It’s not easy to pretend to be a grown up when inside I don’t feel like one.
Long ago I decided I would walk this life alone. That nobody was out there for me and I had to go it alone. Every day that passes where I don’t find someone who completes me just reinforces that in my head. It’s a sad but true belief I go through life with. This tiny piece of me holds out hope that there’s someone out there who will want me just as much as I want them. It’s the part I cling to to keep me sane. Sanity – the thing I feel slipping away more and more everyday.
These demons in my head. They won’t go away. They won’t quiet. They whisper in my ear and tell me I’m unloveable, unwantable, undesirable. They refuse to go away and take the loneliness with them. I’m not unbreakable. The cracks are starting to show.