I can haz cuddles?

So this has been recently on my mind. My loves are so far away. That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of having a long distance relationship. I’m 100% committed to them and have no intention of breaking that commitment. The issue of cuddles is something we’ve discussed at length among the three of us.

As humans we innately need touch. It’s a deep seeded longing we all have. When I talk to or meet someone who doesn’t like being touched or cuddling, I honestly don’t know how to interact with them on this topic. I love cuddling. I love everything about it. I love the feel of another human’s skin against mine. I love strong arms around me, holding me safe and keeping the world out even if for a moment. There is just something so special about feeling another person’s heartbeat against yours and knowing that they want to be touching you.

For me cuddling doesn’t necessarily implicate intimacy, but it’s undeniable how intimate the act often is. I don’t cuddle with just anybody. I’ve had sexual partners with no cuddling involved and I’ve had sexual partners where extensive cuddling is involved. Unequivocally I prefer the latter instead of the former. Someone who wants to have sex with me and yet doesn’t want to cuddle before or after the actual act just doesn’t interest me as much as someone who does.

A few weeks I thought about when the last time I cuddled with someone was and to be frank and honest I couldn’t remember a time. It was probably sometime in early to mid April. That’s almost four months with no real cuddling. Sure, I’ve gone longer, but I haven’t gone longer when I’ve been in a relationship with someone. When I’m single, sure I want human touch but it doesn’t seem to be as strongly directed towards desiring cuddling without necessarily implicating anything sexual attached. Now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself wanting cuddles more and more. Sure, those cuddle desires are mainly from my loves, but realistically they can’t be here to cuddle me. We all understand that. It’s a tough thing to deal with and to a certain extent, we all suffer from that distance. I’ve tested the long distance waters regarding long distance relationships before and found them generally distasteful because of the lack of physical interactions. But I cannot pass up the opportunity to be with such amazing people as my loves simply because they are so far away. To do that would be to deny a part of me that I desire. Because that’s what they are – a part of me. These parts of me just happen to be separated by 2500 miles.

To a large extent I also think my need for cuddles over sex (though this is not to say my desire for sex is not there) has been influenced by the medication I take. I’m on 75 mg of Effexor a day, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I would prefer not to take it simply because of the sexual side effects and I’m also pretty sure after talking to a dermatologist that I’m also allergic to the medicine somewhat thanks to itchy side effects as well. But realistically I can function much better with the medication. I am more stable and don’t freak out about little stuff. I feel more balanced and capable. But that’s all a side note. This isn’t about my medications.

It’s about cuddles. It’s about my love of and desire for cuddles – cuddles with the people I love and want to spend my life with. I have been given permission to cuddle and interact with others if I request it, but it won’t be the same until I’m in my loves’ arms and it’s them holding me. I think they feel that way too. Until that date. We are simply three parts of the same whole separated by mileage, time and a chasm so wide that only closeness will help. I miss them more than I can say and I want to be with them even more.

I love you, V & J. With my entire being and my entire soul, of which you both carry pieces.

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