I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own personal nature. About things I need from life and from relationships. About my definition of happiness in relationships and what I can do ahead of time to ensure that happiness.
First and foremost, I need someone who accepts me for me. Although I am only 24 years young of what I assume will be a very long, full life, I’ve gone through a lot. I had to grown up very early as a child and subsequently my parents joke I came out of the womb being 35. I never related to kids my age, instead preferring to be by myself or with older people. I developed my own ways of doing things and my own rituals and methods. I am stubborn – I readily admit that. Don’t try to change me or change my ways. While I am not perfect, I am me. I am flawed in many ways but I am perfect the way I am. Everything about me is because of a reason, many that I probably don’t even know yet. It’s just how it is.
Secondly, I need freedom to roam. I think that’s what I’m looking for most in this life. Someone who will hold me close but let me go when I want to be see what’s out there. I’m not talking about just temporal traveling, but also in a monogamy sense. Love me. Hold me. Provide for me what I need in life. I will return your gifts in tenfold. But at the same time, I am a flirtatious person who really likes sex and really likes tasting all the colors of the rainbow. I like expanding my horizons and all those other colorful euphemisms for sleeping around. I will always come back to you in the end, but the right person for me needs to be secure in themselves and our relationship to let me go outside of it if I want to. This is an inherent part of me and something I cannot change. It is as much my nature as it is my nature to be submissive or correct people’s use of “titled” and “entitled.” I’m not tired of you, want to see other people or love you any less when I say I need to experience life and experience other people. You can fulfill every one of my physical needs and I will still feel this pull to experience the flesh of another.
Thirdly, I need to be able to open up to someone. I have so much crap in my head most days, most moments that I get weighed down. The right person for me will be able to draw that darkness out of my body in any way possible. Through sex, through holding me, through challenging me mentally and intellectually. When I get too far and deep in my head it’s a hard job to pull me back out, but it’s one that needs to be done for the good of everyone around me. Cleanse my soul and return me to grace. Implicit in opening up is a belief and trust that someone won’t judge me for the thoughts in there. They can be both pretty dark and pretty self-loathing. In my deepest of moments, I’ve hated myself inside and out. I’ve always found ways to pull myself up out of those pits, but at some point there’s going to come a moment where my own effort may not be enough. I’m going to need help. I need to be able to know you’ll be there, ready, willing and able to pull me up and shelter me from myself.
When the moonlight spills down on us in bed from the open window, I want to be able to know I’m with the right person. That I’ve put my trust in the higher power I believe in and She has led me on the right path. It’s a gut feeling, one not easily defined. I wish I knew what it felt like so I could recognize it when I have it, but that’s part of process. Learning to recognize what is right and what is wrong. I’m still learning …
The more I think about it though … what I really need of the above three things? Though it’s not an exhaustive list by any means, what I really need most of all is the second item. I need that freedom.
Just because I walk away doesn’t mean I won’t walk back.