Category Archives: V and J

A Hurt Deep Inside

I have so much to say but I’m simply at a loss for words. The screen stares back at me, blank and waiting for the words to pour out. It’s ready for all the emotional revelations and deep emotional turmoil I’m suffering right now. And yet, all I want to do is cry. I want to cry and be held by the ones I love. The ones I will always love. Just when I think I’ve shed my last tear and I can start healing, the tears start again and don’t seem to stop.

I love V and J with all my heart. I love them like my soulmates, partners, best friends, confidants. Everything I could ever ask for in life. And yet somehow we’ve ended up separating. I’ve been convinced this is the best thing for now. I want to scream and rage and tell them they’re wrong. That the best thing is for us to be together and work through this. That we just need to keep trying to change the problems keeping us apart. That distance doesn’t matter when you love someone. That even if you only get to see them once a year, that’s enough. Okay, that last bit is a load of bullshit, but it’s how I get through my days.

I wake up and know they want me with them and I want to be with them. That will never change. Here I am, at 3 am sobbing my eyes out after having done so for almost three hours yesterday. Right now it’s a hurt that feels like it will never go away until I’m with them again and we can be one.

Through good times and the not so good times, I gave them everything. I opened my heart and showed them a side of me nobody has ever seen. I took down my thick, impenetrable walls I put up long ago to keep people out and to keep people from hurting me. Having let someone inside and then letting this happen, it’s a hurt I can’t even describe.

How can you love people so much you’ve never even touched? That you’ve never looked in their eyes and seen the love you know they have for you? How can you know they ache for your touch as much as you ache for theirs? I lay here and want nothing more in this world than to be theirs for all of time and want to spend every night in their arms.

Simple geography and forces beyond all our control are preventing this. I’m so mad at the universe for keeping me away from the two people I want to be with most. I want to rage and scream and blame so many things beside myself. I want to make it better and feel in control again.

But that’s not going to happen. I’m not in control and it scares me. I’m not in control of my own emotions, my own tears, my own love life, my own destiny. I can’t control the few things in this world I so desperately want to control. It would be so easy to drive to the airport right now, load my credit card up with plane tickets and never come back. To slip into bed with them and feel their warm skin against mine and know this was where I’m meant to be all along. How can something that feels so right be so impossible to accomplish?

I know I’m being tested right now. That some day all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and we will be together. It seems unlikely right now, but it’s a belief I have to cling to if I want to get through this. If I want to come through this on the other side.

I know some day I won’t feel this empty. I won’t feel this out of control. I won’t feel this broken. I won’t feel like my life I planned for has been taken away from me by forces beyond my control.

But for right now, that’s what I feel. There’s only two people in this world that can fix that feeling and I can’t be with them. I’m being denied the one thing that can heal this terribly broken and practically shattered heart of mine.

Until then, I will continue to cry.

I can haz cuddles?

So this has been recently on my mind. My loves are so far away. That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of having a long distance relationship. I’m 100% committed to them and have no intention of breaking that commitment. The issue of cuddles is something we’ve discussed at length among the three of us.

As humans we innately need touch. It’s a deep seeded longing we all have. When I talk to or meet someone who doesn’t like being touched or cuddling, I honestly don’t know how to interact with them on this topic. I love cuddling. I love everything about it. I love the feel of another human’s skin against mine. I love strong arms around me, holding me safe and keeping the world out even if for a moment. There is just something so special about feeling another person’s heartbeat against yours and knowing that they want to be touching you.

For me cuddling doesn’t necessarily implicate intimacy, but it’s undeniable how intimate the act often is. I don’t cuddle with just anybody. I’ve had sexual partners with no cuddling involved and I’ve had sexual partners where extensive cuddling is involved. Unequivocally I prefer the latter instead of the former. Someone who wants to have sex with me and yet doesn’t want to cuddle before or after the actual act just doesn’t interest me as much as someone who does.

A few weeks I thought about when the last time I cuddled with someone was and to be frank and honest I couldn’t remember a time. It was probably sometime in early to mid April. That’s almost four months with no real cuddling. Sure, I’ve gone longer, but I haven’t gone longer when I’ve been in a relationship with someone. When I’m single, sure I want human touch but it doesn’t seem to be as strongly directed towards desiring cuddling without necessarily implicating anything sexual attached. Now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself wanting cuddles more and more. Sure, those cuddle desires are mainly from my loves, but realistically they can’t be here to cuddle me. We all understand that. It’s a tough thing to deal with and to a certain extent, we all suffer from that distance. I’ve tested the long distance waters regarding long distance relationships before and found them generally distasteful because of the lack of physical interactions. But I cannot pass up the opportunity to be with such amazing people as my loves simply because they are so far away. To do that would be to deny a part of me that I desire. Because that’s what they are – a part of me. These parts of me just happen to be separated by 2500 miles.

To a large extent I also think my need for cuddles over sex (though this is not to say my desire for sex is not there) has been influenced by the medication I take. I’m on 75 mg of Effexor a day, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I would prefer not to take it simply because of the sexual side effects and I’m also pretty sure after talking to a dermatologist that I’m also allergic to the medicine somewhat thanks to itchy side effects as well. But realistically I can function much better with the medication. I am more stable and don’t freak out about little stuff. I feel more balanced and capable. But that’s all a side note. This isn’t about my medications.

It’s about cuddles. It’s about my love of and desire for cuddles – cuddles with the people I love and want to spend my life with. I have been given permission to cuddle and interact with others if I request it, but it won’t be the same until I’m in my loves’ arms and it’s them holding me. I think they feel that way too. Until that date. We are simply three parts of the same whole separated by mileage, time and a chasm so wide that only closeness will help. I miss them more than I can say and I want to be with them even more.

I love you, V & J. With my entire being and my entire soul, of which you both carry pieces.

To shave or not to shave? Only Daddy knows the answer!

For the past two to three years, I’ve shaved it all. On January 1st of the year I started shaving all my pubic hair off on a regular basis, I made a commitment to it. I wanted that stuff gone. After all, as embarrassing as it is to admit, one of the places I sweat the most is my crotch. And crotch sweat equals smelly crotch. Let’s be honest – that’s not sexy. Ever. Anywhere. On anyone.

I tested my theory that removing all my pubic hair would solve that problem and voila! I was right. No more smell and for the first time in my adult life, I felt like my genitalia were sexy. Such a simple act of taking razor to hair made me feel sexy. It was smooth, naked, bared, and out there.

But nobody tells you that along with having a fuzz free snatch comes a lot of downsides. At least for some women it does. I quickly learned that my pubic hair is extremely coarse compared to most other hair on my body and grows in practically sideways. It doesn’t take a genius to know where this is going. The Land of Ingrowns. They are the bane of every woman who decides to engage in most any type of hair removal.

I tried everything imaginable. I’m not kidding about that either. The only thing I didn’t try was laser hair removal and electrolysis because I was a poor college student and those were out of my budget. I’m considering laser hair removal at some point simply because I would rather suffer the pain of that than have to shave every other day for the rest of my life and get the embarrassing red bumps and almost rash-like reactions. Having to explain to someone that “no, it’s not an STD. It’s ingrown hairs and razor burn” isn’t exactly what I call a good ice breaker.

About six months ago I learned how to relatively control the huge reactions I get post shaving. A mixture of lotions and potions, combined with shaving about once a week and I am relatively bump free compared to previously when I would shave every other day and scrub with a stiff bristled brush. Seriously … I did that.

When V, J and I started dating I really was embarrassed to take pictures for them of my fuzzier days. But today V surprised me and said he actually is liking the fuzzy look on me and wants me to shave in a different way. I’m still going to do the lips and bikini line, but I’m just going to keep my mound trimmed and not shaved bare.

The prospect of this? Incredibly exciting. I always thought that my romantic and sexual partners would prefer the bare look and feeling, but when V told me he is looking forward to feeling the little hairs tickling his face it opened up a new world for me. One where I don’t have to shave every day and one certainly where I am less concerned about how my vagina looks. He loves it. He loves me.

And the best part? It secretly plays into my kink for having my owner modify my body in a way he sees fit for his pleasure.

So until Daddy says so, I’m gonna be shaving less and a little fuzzier more.

Rock and A Hard Place

 I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I have these decisions I need to make and all I can do is avoid them. Go left, there are good things. Go right, there are good things. The problem is both directions also have bad things and potholes in my path. I simply don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I wish there was some easy solution to my quandaries but there simply isn’t. I think whatever decision I make, someone is going to get hurt. The question is thus – do I want that person to be me or do I want that person to be someone else? Am I even comfortable doing that to another human being? Can I put myself first knowing someone else has to come second?

On top of all of this, I feel restless. I love where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing. There’s no question about that. The restless comes from the fact that I feel like I’m in a holding pattern right now. So many things left undecided that I’d just rather decide and begin the rest of my life. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Absolutely no idea. I have no idea where I’ll be or what job I’ll have, but I have a good idea of who I want to be with.

I love V and J with all my heart and that will never change. It just seems like there are so many roadblocks in front of us to true happiness together. At what point do those roadblocks wear me down enough that it’s not worth it? Right now, it’s worth it. It will always be worth it. But six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, will it still be worth it? My heart says yes. The rational, sensible side of my head isn’t so sure. I want to go with my heart. I want to live with my heart and stop being so fucking sane. It’s good to go a little insane every now and then. Live by impulse. Okay, maybe impulse is the wrong word. Live by gut instinct. My gut instinct is telling me that I love them. I am going with that.

Maybe the answer to all of this is there’s no answer.

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.

Reevaluating My Own Words

On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.

In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.

I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.

I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.

This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.

And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.

Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.

The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.

That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.