I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I have these decisions I need to make and all I can do is avoid them. Go left, there are good things. Go right, there are good things. The problem is both directions also have bad things and potholes in my path. I simply don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I wish there was some easy solution to my quandaries but there simply isn’t. I think whatever decision I make, someone is going to get hurt. The question is thus – do I want that person to be me or do I want that person to be someone else? Am I even comfortable doing that to another human being? Can I put myself first knowing someone else has to come second?
On top of all of this, I feel restless. I love where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing. There’s no question about that. The restless comes from the fact that I feel like I’m in a holding pattern right now. So many things left undecided that I’d just rather decide and begin the rest of my life. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Absolutely no idea. I have no idea where I’ll be or what job I’ll have, but I have a good idea of who I want to be with.
I love V and J with all my heart and that will never change. It just seems like there are so many roadblocks in front of us to true happiness together. At what point do those roadblocks wear me down enough that it’s not worth it? Right now, it’s worth it. It will always be worth it. But six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, will it still be worth it? My heart says yes. The rational, sensible side of my head isn’t so sure. I want to go with my heart. I want to live with my heart and stop being so fucking sane. It’s good to go a little insane every now and then. Live by impulse. Okay, maybe impulse is the wrong word. Live by gut instinct. My gut instinct is telling me that I love them. I am going with that.
Maybe the answer to all of this is there’s no answer.
I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.