Category Archives: thoughts

Rock and A Hard Place

 I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I have these decisions I need to make and all I can do is avoid them. Go left, there are good things. Go right, there are good things. The problem is both directions also have bad things and potholes in my path. I simply don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I wish there was some easy solution to my quandaries but there simply isn’t. I think whatever decision I make, someone is going to get hurt. The question is thus – do I want that person to be me or do I want that person to be someone else? Am I even comfortable doing that to another human being? Can I put myself first knowing someone else has to come second?

On top of all of this, I feel restless. I love where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing. There’s no question about that. The restless comes from the fact that I feel like I’m in a holding pattern right now. So many things left undecided that I’d just rather decide and begin the rest of my life. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Absolutely no idea. I have no idea where I’ll be or what job I’ll have, but I have a good idea of who I want to be with.

I love V and J with all my heart and that will never change. It just seems like there are so many roadblocks in front of us to true happiness together. At what point do those roadblocks wear me down enough that it’s not worth it? Right now, it’s worth it. It will always be worth it. But six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, will it still be worth it? My heart says yes. The rational, sensible side of my head isn’t so sure. I want to go with my heart. I want to live with my heart and stop being so fucking sane. It’s good to go a little insane every now and then. Live by impulse. Okay, maybe impulse is the wrong word. Live by gut instinct. My gut instinct is telling me that I love them. I am going with that.

Maybe the answer to all of this is there’s no answer.

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.

Nothing To Be Ashamed About

When Lent rolled around this year, my mother the practicing Catholic asked me what I’d given up for Lent. For those that are unaware, Catholics give up something they cherish during the Lenten season as a sign of penance and to be more Christ-like. While I am not a Catholic nor do I consider myself Christian, I felt I should at least humor her and give her an answer.

“I gave up shame,” I replied.

She gave me a confused look and said, “But you have nothing to be ashamed about.”

She hit the nail on the head with that one. I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about in my life. I live my life how I choose to live it. I make no excuses about my behavior and I try to live by one supreme rule. “Treat others how you would want to be treated.” Nothing complicated about that, I feel.

As a secretly kinky person, I choose to disclose my more adventurous side to a select few. Granted writing this blog is disclosing it to the world, but I would say a handful of people in my real life know of my kinky side. Less than a dozen tops. It’s not because I’m ashamed of it at all.

It’s because I feel that my lifestyle and my preferences don’t need to be broadcast to everybody around me. My sensuality and sexuality is precious and is for sharing with those I deem worthy of it. I am a goddess in my own right. Every woman is. While I don’t judge those that blatantly share their sexuality with the world, I have chosen to take a more discrete route. I need to trust someone before I come out and say I want to be tied down to my bed and fucked senseless on a routine basis. I need to trust that they won’t judge me because I wouldn’t judge them.

Not everybody can live the lifestyle I do and want the things I want, I understand that. It takes a very special person to understand the mindset and the mentality this place inside me comes from. On the whole I have found that men are more interested in experimenting in being kinky than women. Unfortunately the flip side of that is once you tell a man you’re kinky two things happen. (1) He flips out and runs away. (2) That’s all he sees you as. Any chance of slow passionate sex disappears into the ether. Granted I will tell you right away I have limited experience with disclosing said kinky nature to real life men and even less experience participating in said kinky activities, but I’ve found this to be generally true.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be more judgmental. They are either interested (very rare), unaffected by my disclosure, or completely disgusted. Sadly most of my experiences with friends has fallen into the last category. This is entirely unfortunate because I feel that judging someone based on one select aspect of them is entirely unwarranted. It’s akin to racism or sexism. That one aspect does not dominate and make up their entire being.

Awhile ago I took the position that I should never be ashamed of my nature. I should never be ashamed of what I do. I should never be ashamed of these thoughts and tendencies I have.

I will continue to live by this, Lenten season or not.