I’ve decided I don’t want to date for awhile. I don’t even want to play or snuggle with anybody either. There will be no sex in this champagne room.
Why would I want to do something stupid like that?
Because it hit me as my last date left my apartment that I deserve better. Not because I’m all that or I’m perfect or great, but because I owe it to myself. I was so desperate for human companionship that I sank to a level where I was begging for it. No woman should ever have to beg for sex. Or cuddling. Or companionship. It should come naturally.
I need to take a step back and reevaluate what I want, what I am and where I want to be. I need to look at what I became and what happened when I gave into urges and desires that sent me on a path I’m not proud of going on.
Does this change my sex toy reviewing? No. Will this change my libido in any way? Probably not. What this will do is refocus my attention on me and working to make myself better before I can expect someone else to fix my problems. There’s a lot that’s wrong with me and my thought process. I jump into things and do and say thing without thinking. It’s time for my lawyerly training to be put to good use and use my brain and not my pussy.
I think for all intense and purposes, I have just taken a vow of celibacy. The only person fucking me is going to be me. The only person in my bed is going to be my stuffed animals and me. I’ll probably be lonely, but I know I have real, true friends to get me through it.
So when will this period of chastity end, you ask? When I know in my gut the time’s right.
Lately I’ve been realizing something rather surprising about myself. For years I thought I was the most monogamous person I knew. I craved being in a relationship. I craved the security and the companionship. The love and knowledge that there was one person focusing on me as much as I was focusing on them.
It’s taken events both started by me and started by situations beyond my control for me to realize perhaps I had that wrong. I am beginning to doubt that I am a ubiquitously monogamous person. While I’m not saying I am poly yet, I do think there is a place for that kind of exploration and enjoyment in my life.
Perhaps it’s the attention whore side of me but I like when there are multiple people vying for my attention. I like being involved (whether platonically or romantically) with multiple people. I think for the moment I am what a good friend has termed “polyfuckerous.” I like to fuck multiple people. I like having options and I like having different cocks inside me. Strange thing to say, but everybody is different. Every guy has a different method of romancing a woman.
I’m still exploring this side of me and certainly still learning about how to make it work in a practical setting where all involved don’t get hurt. Where I don’t get hurt. As a good friend told me, “protect your heart.” I’m going to have to learn to build those walls again that took me so long to get rid of. Placing people into categories and in boxes knowing how much or how little they can be to me.
Much like everything else in life, this is a learning experience. One that I think will take many years until I find the right balance of right, wrong and the fun gray in between.
I’ve often been told that life is a constant journey of personal growth. I’ve found that to be true in many ways and many situations. My journey into kink is no different in that means.
While I’ve been what I consider sexual from a young age (hell, I was watching porn before it was legal for me to do so) I really haven’t been aware of my own sexuality except for the last couple of years. I would say when I was around 21 I really started figuring out that boobs were a huge guy magnet. I’d never really masturbated until then and I sure as hell hadn’t lost my virginity. I was a slow developer in that area you could say. That is probably due in large part to growing up rather sexually repressed and sheltered. I don’t fault my parents at all for it. In fact, I quite like it. It let me grow up a true child and not have to worry about some of the things other girls have to worry about at a young age. I didn’t date until very well into college. I had boys who were friends but never boyfriends.
My true personal journey into sexuality and kink began last January (2005.) I’d dabbled before, but last January is when it kicked off. At the urging of a friend, I posted some ads on Craig’s List for online dirty chat buddies who were dominant. Ooooh, I got all kinds. Some lasted more than others; some interested me more than others. I found myself thinking and trying new things.
October of 2004 is when I got my first sex toy. I’d been looking at them forever but finally mustered the courage to go to the local adult store for the first time. The rest, as they say, is history. Now I have a collection that would rival most seasoned toy buyers and one that I find myself thoroughly enjoying on a regular basis.
I joined Fetlife.com
a few months ago and that was another watershed for me. Through that medium and my Twitter account
I have made many, many very good friends that I consider some of my best friends. They don’t judge me and I feel like I can talk to them about anything, something I don’t feel like with even some of my close personal, real life friends. I’ve met people I’ve fucked and I’ve met people I want to fuck. I’ve met people who have brought me up and unfortunately I’ve met people that have taken me down. Thankfully those kind of people are quickly removed from my life after I realize who they are.
Life is all about the journey because the destination kind of sucks. My journey is not even close to being done and I actually consider my true journey to have just started. Life begins when you start living it and right now I’m having fun living it the way I want to.
My question for you is this – is your life the way you want it to be?