Category Archives: reflections

Reflections of 2010 and Resolutions for 2011

As 2010 comes to a close with a whimper not a roar, I’m going to take a few moments to reflect on all that has happened this year. It’s been quite a bumpy ride for me and there’s been a lot of changes.

The beginning of the year saw me rediscovering my submissive nature and yearning to be apart of that once more. I slowly found ways to incorporate it into my every day habits and found myself craving it more and more.

In January/February I joined Fetlife and started my now omni-present Twitter account that never leaves my side. Over 25,000 tweets later I’m more popular than ever and growing more every day. I’ve met lots of great people through that medium. Found opportunities I’ve never thought I would have. (Soon I’ll be posting about my newest endeavor!) I’ve had relationships, crushes, best friends and best enemies on Twitter. It really is like a microcosm of society. Fetlife has provided me the chance to be exposed to fetishes I’ve never heard of and never considered before. I love learning about what gets people going and especially love perving on people’s pictures.

In March I had my first threesome, an experience I repeated later in the year and one I hope to repeat many times again in the future. Those people have come and gone out of my life already, but I will always remember and look back fondly on that experience I was able to have.

April saw me finally giving in to an age old craving I’d had and I walked off the proverbial cliff. I finally got my vertical clit hood piercing I’ve been looking to get for many years. It was such a surreal moment walking in there and looking all fresh-faced and innocent, but asking for steel through my sensitive bits. It’s now healed finally and I love it. While it hasn’t increased sensation all that much, it is quite a visual thing and one I really enjoy having.

April was also the month my relationship with V & J took off and while our poly relationship has ended, our friendship is still there. Distance really does hurt a relationship and I learned a lot about myself and what I need and want out of a relationship from them. They are great people and I hope to have them in my life and be in theirs for many years to come. Looking back on it now, we were doomed before we even started and I should have recognized that. Being across the country from each other and both ends not being able to move was just too difficult. The craving to be there and not being able to just wasn’t working. I still hurt sometimes when I think about it, but I’ve come out of it a stronger, more capable person I hope.

June was my breakout month. I attended a sex party and was the house girl at the beginning of the month. There’s nothing like spending a night tied in rope with a butt plug in while serving drinks and offering yourself to the party guests. I met some really cool people there and had some interesting conversations. When I tell people about this party now, they’re shocked. Me? The sweet girl with wide eyes and a love of Looney Toons? Yes, me. In 2011 I’m looking to attend more wide scale events and hopefully can repeat the experience with new people in a new setting.

As school wound back up for me in August, things seemed to calm down. School was busier than I would have thought and put a huge crimp on my social life. The few times I was able to get out were great, but didn’t help. Stress pretty much killed my libido at times from August to December, almost to the point of non-existence. For days on end I wouldn’t even think of masturbating, which for me is a huge change.

In September I made my first trip to a true fetish and/or bondage club and really enjoyed myself. Let me tell you, it was truly an experience. I found myself naked in just 4 inch heels and holding onto a St. Andrews cross while I was flogged in front of a crowd of roughly 20 people. Holy heck that was mindblowing. That experience sparked something in me that is still burning bright months later. I found my urge to perform publicly growing. I fight with it every day, knowing it’s just impractical for me to do right now. Making public appearances and doing public “performances” really helped grow my desire to be more public. It inspired me to make business cards and promote myself. That is also something I look forward to doing more of in 2011.

September also saw the last time I’d have sex in 2010. September 17th to be exact. A five minute quickie from behind. Lame, I know.

October brought about the biggest revelation of 2010 and I’m beyond grateful to have had it. When a huge fissure opened between what I considered to be good friends of mine and myself, I had a choice to make. Continue on the path of bad decisions I was making and find myself fucking everything with a pulse or take a step back and reevaluate what I wanted from sex. So began my era of chastity. I didn’t make the decision lightly and with it came a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache. I’m still in the process of learning the lessons I need to before I can venture back into the world of sex with other people, but I’ve made a lot of progress since taking my vow and brought myself out of the deep, dark emotional void of a hole I was in. 

So here I am. The end of December and reflecting on times past. This year I found myself, lost myself and found myself again. I changed a lot and not always in a good way. As the year comes to a close though, I’m happy where I am now, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. New opportunities are coming my way every day it seems and the possibilities for great success in 2011 seem endless. I find myself connecting with people who inspire me, personally and professionally. My goals have changed but one has stayed the same – be the best damn undercover kinkster I can.

I don’t like making resolutions because more than likely I won’t keep them. I’m not exactly good with sticking to what I’ve said before. I think this year is different though. 2011 is poised to be a year of huge changes for me. So what is my resolution for 2011? It’s very simple – stay true to myself. That’s it. Stay true to the goals I’ve set and the things I want to accomplish. Stay true to who I am inside and the emotional well being I need. Constantly seek out new challenges, new experiences, new people, new learning opportunities. That’s what I want to do in 2011.

2010 may have been a year of ups and downs, but it’s ending positively for me. 2009 me would barely recognize who I am today. That, my friends, is a good thing.

Reevaluating My Own Words

On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.

In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.

I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.

I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.

This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.

And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.

Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.

The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.

That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.

Reflections on Times Past

I mourn for the relationships that went bad.

I mourn for the times we shared and the times we didn’t get to share.

I mourn for those I considered friends and now consider nothing.

I mourn for feelings I thought I had, feelings I did have and feelings I wish I hadn’t had.

I mourn for the loss of those who were once special.

I mourn for their arms around me, making me feel safe and needed.

I mourn for experiences we talked about but never got to.

I mourn for long conversations we had in the dark of night that I wish we could return to, if just to talk through the things we didn’t.

I mourn for the moments that we were silent when we should have been talking.

I mourn for wanting you back and yet never wanting to talk to you.

I mourn for the memories I still have and the memories I was denied.

I mourn for your affection, your love, your attention I will never have.

I mourn for no longer being special to you even though you will always be special to me.

I mourn for the hateful words we directed at each other in the heat of battle.

I mourn for the pain I inflicted and received.

I mourn for the part of my heart you took with you when you left, whether because of you or because of me.

I mourn for dreams of the future I had and will never see realized.

I mourn for the happy moments I wished for and won’t get.

I mourn for your absence from my life, however long you were in it.

I mourn for what might have been and instead never will be.

I mourn for those special to me that I have lost.

I mourn for you.