I am such a bad girl. Very naughty.
And I like it.
So I just … I don’t know. I’m feeling horribly blah lately. I’m having trouble finding motivation to do anything. Nothing excites me. I miss people I shouldn’t. Things don’t feel the same as they did six months ago. Realistically I know my life is bound to change throughout time, but I’m just kind of in one of those moods where I want things to be how they use to be. From what time I’m not exactly sure. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I’ve lost my spark for most everything in my life. It’s bumming me out.
I feel like people are ignoring me. Not in a conscious way perhaps, but nonetheless ignoring me. Everybody is so damn busy and they have legitimate things that they are doing that don’t include me. Maybe I’m just so egocentric that I want everybody to pay attention to me. It’s a horrible thing to admit to – being self-centered. But I think in a way I am very self-centered. I think it’s part of my exhibitionism. Well, that and probably growing up as pretty much an only child. I was so used to having all the attention on me that I don’t handle it well when I don’t get attention now. I just feel like I’m blending into the wall and I’m trying my best to stand out and get people to pay attention me for nothing to come out of it. All I feel is that I’m pestering people now when I ask them to do stuff, talk or hangout, etc. I hate feeling like I’m pestering people too. Maybe I need some new friends, people who are more apt to be available. I guess that’s just the point we are all at in our lives. We’re all leading very busy lives and it’s hard to stay in touch the way I might like to stay in touch.
I struggle with being lonely so much. It’s a daily battle for me not to be lonely. In a lot of ways it is very contradictory to being independent and wanting my space, but I’m a very clingly and needy person. Terrible personality traits in most people unfortunately.
Sigh. Maybe I need to pick up a new hobby. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I need to just get the fuck over it and stop being emo.
I’m not above begging. If that’s what you want, I can do that.