Category Archives: ramblings

Frustration (AKA the post in which I rant about personal responsibility)

I posted previously at my blog about how amused I was at the endless tirade of self affecting posts I’ve seen on Fetlife but I think I’ve passed the amusement phase and now have moved into my frustrated phase. While I haven’t read every comment and every piece people have had to say (mostly because I, you know, have a life, a job and a desire not to gouge my eyes out), I have stumbled through the highlights and lowlights.

Let me be the first to say congratulations. My fellow Chicago kinksters have started a serious and necessary open dialogue about an important topic. You’ve caused us all to stop and question ourselves, our actions and our interactions.

That’s about where my congratulations end. Here’s where my rant begins. When I first “joined” the kink community, I felt like I was wearing a scarlet “N” for newbie. Perhaps it was just the company I kept, but I felt preyed upon now looking back at it. I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I didn’t know any better and I was horribly naive. I trusted people I shouldn’t have, opened up to people who later turned on me, and found myself hurt beyond words when spilling my heart and soul out backfired.

I did a lot of things I wished I hadn’t. There’s still things I wish I could go back and redo mostly because I’m not proud of the decisions I made and the things I agreed to. I let the excitement of “HOLY SHIT! You can do that?!” overwhelm my sense of self and sense of what was right for me. That’s one of the things I forgot – I had nobody to look out for me except me. I figured older, wiser (ha!), and more experienced people had my back and wouldn’t do anything for, with and to me that I wasn’t ready for. I will never point fingers, name names or call those people titles that they don’t deserve. Why? Because I take personal responsibility for my own actions. Don’t get me wrong – I do believe said persons deserve “blame” for their part in my undoing but I played my part as well.

Not many of you know that in October of 2010 I went a little crazy. I had a bit of a breakdown. Why? Because I put my heart out there and had it flung back at me. I was under attack for expressing myself. I was idealistic and thought that if I expressed what I held in my heart, nothing bad would happen. Oh how little I knew of the world. Turns out it was the ammunition some people needed to fling mud in my face and make me the social pariah at the time. In the span of a few hours I went from having friends to feeling like I was under attack from all sides. I withdrew almost completely from all forms of kink. I didn’t play. I didn’t talk. I didn’t fuck. I didn’t even damn well touch anybody for almost 16 months.

It was in those 16 months that I truly learned that there is absolutely one person in the world I could trust – me. There is ONE person who will and must look out for me at all times – me. If I couldn’t trust myself to do that, there would be no hope of ever trusting anybody else.

There is an inherent power dynamic in what we do as kinksters. That can’t be denied. There will always be someone who holds more power and someone who holds less. Should that more powerful person bear more burden of protecting the less powerful person? Of course. To say any different would be to undermine the entire power exchange relationship. But to say that more powerful person bears the entire burden is to throw the idea of personal responsibility completely out the window. Perhaps I am advocating for an antiquated notion; perhaps I am “past my prime.” I don’t really care.

This is my form of therapy. This is my solace. I did things I’m not proud of. I did things I wouldn’t advocate anybody do. I said yes to things I probably should have said no to. Maybe I’m the one seeking forgiveness for my sins. All I know is I’ve come to peace with my past and I’ve become a better person for it. I’ve become a more responsible person for it.

Bravery comes in many forms. I’ve seen lots of it in my life. I could list examples of it until I’m blue and still wouldn’t even touch the surface of it. I will say this though – bravery is admitting when you’re wrong and trying to make amends for it. Bravery is using those past wrongs to be a better, stronger, more responsible person and moving on with new purpose and conviction. That’s what I aim to do every day.

Say what you want about me. I’ve turned my corner and I refuse to look back.

A Big First for This Kinkster

So this upcoming Friday I have plans to attend my first somewhat large scale play party. I’ve been invited by someone I’ve been talking to since I first joined Fetlife.com and I am quite excited about it. Sure, I’ve had threesome experiences, but no experiences with more than three people in the same room.

I’m really excited about going to this party. I know several of the people in attendance and I’m salivating over the opportunity to have sex with them, either again or for the first time. There are people I’ve been hoping to meet that might come and that also is something I look forward to. There’s quite a difference between seeing pictures of someone and seeing them in the flesh. And feeling that flesh too.

I think this will really will be the most “difficult” thing I’ve ever done sexually. I tend to get really sore and raw from long sessions, mostly from not cumming so far from either oral or penetrative sex. Yes, that means the only way I’ve ever cum is from solo stimulation AKA masturbation. I love fucking for hours and hours but at a certain point my poor vagina gets sore and unusable. Adding external lubricants helps with that, but being a tiny girl with well endowed partners I’m going to get sore no matter what help I get.

I think I’m most excited about having a good outlet for my voyeurism and exhibitionism. I love watching and I love performing. So any experience where I can do both is a good experience for me. And of course watching and then being invited to participate also is pretty exciting as well. I have no doubt at some point during the evening that will occur as well.

Am I a little big nervous or worried? I would be inhuman if I say I wasn’t. After all this is the first time I’ve done this kind of thing. I don’t expect everything to go perfectly, but I’m sure hoping everything goes well.

I’ll make sure to report back how it goes. I’m sure I’ll have some very titillating stories to share here.