Category Archives: porn

Review: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to the Female Orgasms

One of my absolute heros in the world of sex education, advocacy, pornography has long been Tristan Taormino. If I ever have even 5% of the success she’s achieved, I will be a happy kinky girl. She’s long since been a woman I look up to in regards to how she comports herself and how she defines success in her own right. She makes quality products and advocates for education first and foremost.

Tristan has a long series of “Expert Guides” including Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men, Expert Guide to Advanced Felatio, Expert Guide to the G-Spot, and so many more. Her newest video is one of my particular favorites. The Expert Guide to the Female Orgasms is jam packed with great information about female anatomy, female stimulation and precisely what it takes for body-shaking, mind-numbing orgasms.

Tristan spends the first 10-15 minutes of the video going through anatomy with charts, a vulva puppet (my favorite and new lusted-after item!), and  explanations from adult performers, using all that to advocate for the most important part of orgasming – communication. She stresses above all else that you need to communicate to orgasm as fully as you can. Communicate with yourself, your partner, and what you choose to use to bring yourself to orgasm. This is something I’ve always agreed with, but only recently put into practice. She and the performers all stress that you need to know how your own body works and what your body likes before you introduce another person to the mix. As someone who has toys long before I had sexual partners, I totally agree. How can someone else expect to pleasure you if you haven’t learned what you like first?

The cast for this film is pretty much the greatest cast ever, at least in my mind. Katie St. Ives, Sean Michaels, Evanni Solei, Evan Stone, Jiz Lee, Madison Young, Dylan Ryan, Mr. Marcus, Adrianna Nicole and James Dean all share screen time with the goddess herself, Tristan. Tristan goes about getting performers for her videos in great ways. Picking who she has worked with in the past or wold like to work with and then asking them who they want to be in a scene with. This leads to explosive chemistry and beyond sexy times on screen.

Katie St. Ives and Sean Michaels’s scene was almost cute in nature. She’s a sprite of a thing and reminds me of myself in a way. Her chemistry with Sean was great and you can feel the attraction. He brings her to some body shaking orgasms in a variety of ways, through oral, toy play and ultimately sex in a couple of positions. Her body visibly changes when she gets super aroused, something Tristan mentions in the beginning of the movie. Bright red skin and lack of coherency are among the changes you see. It makes for great watching.

Okay, I admit. I wasn’t a fan of Evanni Solei and Evan Stone together. This isn’t to say this was any less of a scene, but I just didn’t connect with it like I did other scenes. Evanni is a very soft spoken woman and doesn’t make a whole lot of noise during sex. I’m someone who does and someone who enjoys watching a very vocal performer. I mean, her body definitely responds, but I’d like to hear a little more than just the occassional “ooooooh” so I know she’s enjoying it. Also, I don’t know about me, but still having pants on during a filmed sex scene just seems weird. I know it happens every day in the “real world” but to me it seems kind of strange in a sex movie, even an educational sex movie.

But Jiz Lee and Madison Young? The sound you hear is my brain exploding. Two of my absolute favorite performers and crushes. They are sexy creatures and hell if I was ever in the same room as either of them I’m pretty sure I would die of happiness and arousal. They’re intro scene to the actual sex is great to watch. They talk about their love of the Hitachi Magic Wand, which honestly is not my favorite toy. Blasphemy in the world of sex toys, but alas true. I like strong vibrations, but I don’t like a 747 jet engine vibrating on my sexy areas. Getting back to the scene though, both of them are super into it and super excited to be there. You can tell they are great friends as well as great sexual partners. Black gloves are brought out and Madison fingers Jizz for awhile in a variety of positions, pretty much diving right in and going from zero to sixty in no time. I love all the toys they bring out and seeing them in use. Toys are something I love seeing in porn, especially high quality toys. You would never see a jelly toy anywhere near a Tristan Taormino set I have a feeling! The Hitachi comes out and gets used on Madison after awhile, in combination with my favorite toy, the Njoy Pure Wand. It’s probably my favorite scene of the entire film.

Dylan Ryan is up next, partnered with Mr. Marcus. She talks about frequently throughout the film how she loves to have super strong almost pummeling on her cervix. Personally I dislike that, but I can see how some people would. I just don’t like feeling like I’ve been deep fucked with the large end of a baseball bat for days later. Marcus mentions in the beginning of the film how guys shouldn’t feel like they’re any less of a man or they’re not pleasing their partner if she wants to use a toy in bed. I completely agree. My first sexual partner absolutely hated when I used a vibrator in bed and it was a huge turn off. Sometimes people just need more stimulation than another human body can provide, as Tristan mentions in the beginning as well. I love the foreplay that Dylan and Marcus get into and it’s almost cute in a way. He is all about focusing on her and it shows. Her body shakes as he just fingers her deep and licks at her nipple. Then out comes the Njoy Eleven! I’ve seen Dylan use it in many films and she explains she loves it because of the weight and huge bulbous end. It plays right into her love of super deep cervix stimulation. They foray into sex and of course it is hot. Doggie and reverse cow girl while he’s sitting. She uses a Hitachi on her clit while she rides him and quite frankly I’ve never witnessed a more intense set of orgasms. It’s really amazing to watch. They’re both sweaty and happy and just keep going at it.

Adrianna Nicole and James Dean are the last scene in the movie. Oh James Dean, my sweet quirky porn star love. I look for stuff he’s in and he definitely delivers whenever I see him perform. He talks about how it’s more of a power play thing for him, that he loves to make a woman orgasm over and over again and it’s not necessarily about pleasing a woman. It’s a fun dynamic and one I subscribe too. They start off with some super intense oral, him licking her and getting her into it. He uses the Hitachi on her while she sucks him and for once, I actually enjoy watching a bit of a blow job scene, probably because it’s a combination oral and toy use. He lubes up a Njoy Pure Plug (medium or large from what I can tell) and slides it in her while he fingers her and she continues to suck him. Then starts the actual penetrative sex! One thing I love to watch about James is that he’s really big on eye connection while he’s having sex. I think that’s a huge component to really good sex. They just go at it for awhile and then take a break while she continues Hitachi use. Anal is up next and they switch to him behind her then ultimately he ends up on top of her. As someone who enjoys anal in those positions, this was particularly hot to watch. She is just really, insanely into the sex and damn, so is he. This was probably my second favorite of the scenes throughout the movie, thanks to intensity and the power play dynamic.

There are some great extras also included with the main film and they’re worth watching. There is a guide to safe sex. That is one of my favorite things about Tristan. She’s always advocated for the safest sex she can and makes that an important part of what she shows and talks about. Madison Young does a segment demonstrating how to do kegel exercises, which is one way of targeting your pelvic muscles and can lead to stronger orgasms and more control over them. There is a guide to vibrators that I enjoyed watching, even though I know a ton about sex toys already. I have to say I usually giggle a little when I watch a guy try to use a sex toy on a woman. They don’t always know how to do it just like women do it to themselves. There’s also a masturbation montage of just masturbation if that is what you’re interested in. Behind the scenes features of films are always a favorite of mine as well and this film is no different. It’s fun to see “porn stars” as real people for me, which obviously they are. They just happen to have sex on film as a job. There are also previews of other Tristan and Vivid projects. 

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is a film I highly recommend you purchase and own. Not only do you learn a lot about what makes a woman orgasm in terms of arousal, anatomy and needs, but it also has super, smoking hot sex and one of the greatest casts I’ve seen put together in a long time. There are great extras on the DVD and I feel this is a film you’ll go back and watch time and time again.

Review: Courtney Trouble’s Roulette Toronto

Courtney Trouble’s Roulette Toronto

I love porn. I love good queer indie porn. I like porn that not everybody may like. I like natural bodies, gender queer people, safe sex practices, lots of toy use and most importantly chemistry between the actors.

Courtney Trouble makes her special kind of porn even better in Roulette Toronto, available from Good Vibrations. There have been several in this series before, including Roulette Berlin, Roulette Dirty South and No Fauxxx Roulette. This time they’re up in Canada and have made the best of the people and places available to them.

Courtney herself stars in a scene with Judy Minx and does something special to my girly parts in the process. It’s a long, drawn out, but well done scene shot by April Flores, who later stars with Dylan Ryan. There’s fingering, toying, fucking, licking, and all together hotness all around. I have to say, I love when there’s lingerie that stays on throughout a scene and this movie delivers that for me. Judy is pretty freaking hot in this scene.

The one thing I didn’t like about this scene was the questionable lighting. It seemed like either it was over lit or under lit. Porn on a budget almost. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love amateur stuff. Making it real and gritty. But there’s also something to be said about being able to see what’s going on. Maybe invest in a few more lights and not ones that are so harsh.

River Turner, Drew Deveaux and one of my perennial favorites Jiz Lee star in a scene where they’re all in a dance studio working out (rehearsing a dance I guess) and it quickly devolves into a pretty fantastic threesome right there on the floor of the dance studio. You don’t need a ton of toys when you have three amazingly sexual people and this is scene is an example of it. Fingers, tongues and hands make for great sex.

I think my favorite concept of the whole movie was April Flores calling for an escort and finding that Dylan Ryan was one who showed up. Women are sex work clients too and we often forget that when talking about the subject. The Njoy Eleven makes an appearance in this scene, the long lusted-after toy of my dreams. Of all the things I could fixate on, I found myself in love with Dylan’s earrings and high heels. Random, but they were fantastic. April Flores is a porn actor that absolutely knows how to do what she does and it shows. She enjoys it immensely and her chemistry with Dylan is beyond hot. Their friendship also shows in this scene. You can tell that even if the cameras weren’t there, they’d be cuddling and having fun together. Hell, they’d probably end up having the same great, hot sex too!

While I seriously had a hard time deciding which scene in this movie was my favorite (they were all great), I would probably have to say Lascivia Liberty and Scout’s scene on a hot pink bed in a hot pink bedroom was my favorite. There is just something so freaking hot for me about a gender bending sex session that gets me going. The mix of harnesses, work boots, lingerie and high heels? Yes please! There are so many fun positions and toys used in this scene. First and foremost is a strap-on harness. I’ve recently become enamored with everything to do with harnesses and can first hand tell you how sexually empowering it is to use one, even if not to have sex. The possibility of switching between and among genders so easily makes for absolutely great sex.

The bonus scene with Dia Zerva and Wordman is probably my second favorite scene. Dia is one of my favorites from Kink.com and I find myself looking for her feature length performances more after seeing her there. Watching her pole dance made me want to get up and shimmy my little bum all over some one’s face and crotch only to be rewarded with hot sex and more of that fantastic Njoy Eleven action. There’s inherent dom/sub tones to this scene, something I love when watching porn. Dia’s necklace is collar-like and reminds me that I would like something similar in the future. I know I’ve talked about how I don’t like to watch blowjobs in porn most of the time, but I found myself actually liking the blowjob Dia gives Wordman and really getting turned on by it. That was a shocker to me!

The music throughout this movie is fresh and moves the plot along. It doesn’t overpower the natural noises from the sex and sits comfortably along side it. I mentioned the lighting issue before and while this was a bit of a downer for me in Courtney and Judy’s scene and April and Dylan’s scene, overall the lighting in the other scenes was excellent.

Roulette Toronto by Courtney trouble and sold through Good Vibrations is a movie that will be going on my porn shelf and probably be brought out often. The combination of great chemistry among the actors, hot sex, great toy use and examples of safe sex make this a movie that I would recommend. Queer porn isn’t for everyone, that’s for sure. Queer porn is designed though to be accessible for everyone. There’s real people, real bodies and real sex. There’s something for everyone.

The trailer for Roulette: Toronto:

You need to install or upgrade Flash Player to view this content, install or upgrade by clicking here.


Review: Seven Minutes in Heaven Vol. 2

Porn, much like human bodies, comes in all shapes and sizes. Having spent the last almost decade watching porn of all types, I’ve developed quite a discerning taste for what I like. Unnatural looking bodies, condom-free sex, male jewelry, hair scrunchies and faked female orgasms are just a few of the things on my list that make me press the “stop” button. A dude spewing his jizz all over a girl’s face is another. Ugh.

Having done extensive “research” on the subject, my recent trend in my porn watching habits is quite simple – real people, with real bodies, having real sex. Seven Minutes in Heaven 2: Tender Hearted sold at Babeland, quite possibly the most queer and gender-friendly sex store out there. The fact that it was nominated for a 2010 Feminist Porn Award tells you what caliber of work it is. It also tells you something I would like to impress upon my readers. Pornography and feminism are not incompatible concepts. To be truly liberated as a woman, it is important to enjoy your body and be in touch with it, whether that’s through sexual activity of some kind or not.

If you’re looking for plastic-fantastic, blond Barbies in your porn, look elsewhere. This is not the movie for you. Hell, this isn’t the movie for everybody in fact. For some, it might be too much. But like Goldilocks and Baby Bear’s porridge, it was just right for me. There are real people in this movie. Only one person that appeared on screen was someone I even recognized and she didn’t take her clothes off!

The basic concept of Seven Minutes in Heaven 2 is this – throw a bunch of hot, gender-bending people into an apartment with great sex toys, all the safe sex protection you could ever dream of, and let them go to town. Paired off by a basic “spin the bottle” of sorts, couples and eventually threesomes do what hot people do best. They have great, hot, real sex. I couldn’t tell who was what gender and honestly that was part of the appeal. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. Sure, if your Tab A doesn’t fit into another’s Slot B it’s a bit of a setback, but just strap on a fake cock and go to town. Some of my favorite toys ever make appearances in this movie. Some of my most recommended toys make appearances in this movie.

One thing that really got my attention and sealed my stamp of approval for this porn was the fact that I don’t think I can recall a porn with more safe sex examples. From black nitrile gloves to condoms over vibrators and even a demonstration of how to make a dental dam in a rush, my inner germaphobe and safe sex advocate rejoiced. In a day and age where AIDS and HIV has not been eradicated and only continued to proliferate, it’s important to show positive examples of safe sex. Using a condom or dental damn doesn’t decrease sensation. In my mind, using them shows your sexual partner that you care enough about them to make sure both them and you stay safe, regardless of health status. And to me, that’s just plain sexy. Caring is sexy.

Genders blend as couples get down and dirty in this movie. Fingers and tongues explore. Interesting locations make for interesting sex. I mean, I never would have thought of a clawfoot tub as a particular sexy location for sex in the positions shown in this movie, but now I don’t think I’ll look at one the same now. There’s no black or white when it comes to race here either. Everybody is sexy. Everybody gets action. While I do have some of the actors I preferred (the sexy Latina girl in the opening scene was freaking HOT!) they were all interesting and enjoyable to watch.

Want a preview? This is just an example and a quick scene of the actors playing “spin the bottle” to get things started.









See what I mean? Hotness. Want more of a taste? Here’s the trailer as found on director Courtney Trouble’s website. Follow the link to her website for more pictures taken on set during filming.


You need to install or upgrade Flash Player to view this content, install or upgrade by clicking here.

So overall did I enjoy Seven Minutes in Heaven 2: Tender Hearted sold at Babeland.com? Definitely. Is it a porn for everybody? No. The person who enjoys this movie will have an open mind, a love of safe sex and a soft spot for human bodies, no matter the color, shape, gender or orientation. Sex comes in all shapes, colors, sizes and appearances. My only gripe? Sorry, everybody. I just can’t do that much genital hair. A sad reality, but a true one. That little fact alone stuck in my heel like a bad glass sliver you can’t tweeze out and unfortunately prevented me from really getting into this porn.

As to Courtney Trouble and her brand of “gonzo” porn (which seems to me to be more like real porn)? I’m glad there’s someone out there making movies with real people having real sex in a real way. We’re not all porn stars and we’re all interested in things beyond our normal experiences.  Porn should reflect that as best it can. This movie certainly does.

Review: Madison Young’s Lucky – A Woman’s POV

My porn tastes have never run very mainstream. I’ve never liked the same old cliches I see in 95% of porn. From a very young (and probably illegal in my jurisdiction) age I’ve found myself attracted to sexual images most of “average” society would find shocking, unattractive or downright wrong. Maybe it’s the taboo of the whole thing. I like the taboo of enjoying what others don’t.

What first attracted me to Lucky: A Woman’s POV sold at GoodVibes.com was that one of my very favorite stars was in it. Madison Young is probably in my top five list of favorite adult performers. While the list is constantly fluctuating, I can say Belladonna, Claire Adams and Madison Young are more than likely on that select list.

The second thing that attracted me to it was that it’s a porn shot from a woman’s perspective. That’s not something you see often. Porn in general is something mainly directed at a male audience and only recently has been opening up to women, gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the gender queer. Many of the titles in my porn library fill this newer segment of the market. If I want straight up boring “insert zeeee peeeeeeeenis in the vaginaaaaa” porn I’ll go to the internet and find some poorly produced and poorly shot quick clip. Sorry, Adult Film Industry. Those things don’t interest me.

Lucky: A Woman’s POV is a series of vignettes (or scenes I guess), usually of Madison and other performers, getting down and dirty in a hotel room or other somewhat discrete location. Everything has been shot with handheld cameras and you often see the Flip camera that Madison herself wields during many of the escapades. Madison has taken some of her best friends on a trip to Vegas and you go with them as they walk through the casinos and explore the hotel rooms.

If you’re looking for any kind of penis in your porn, look for other movies. This is purely a girl on girl porn. But it’s not the mainstream girl on girl porn I quickly grew tired of years ago. These are not heterosexual girls paid to be lezzies and lick some other girl’s pussy. These are actual gender queer performers who don’t care what the parts are. They are attracted to the person. That kind of appreciation for sexuality as a fluid concept comes through in their performances.

There are several lesser known performers in this move and some I’ve never even heard of. Madison mentions that two of the girls she films having sex are girls she picked up off the street and asked if they’d share their attractions with her camera. This is real girl sex. Not that fake stuff with long nails (have you ever met a lesbian with long manicured nails?!), silicone breasts and spray on tans. These are girls with some curves, glasses and people you’d find at the corner cafe sipping a cup of coffee. But at the same time the passion they display for their sexuality is very real and very erotic.

Admittedly the film making quality of this movie is slightly less as it was shot on mostly handheld cameras, but once you really get into it you forget those things or notice them less. You know the camera isn’t angled for the “money shot” because the person holding the camera is enjoying herself and not focusing on the camera. The film is crisp than some larger budget pornography but I like it. I like the look of amateur porn.

There is a slight background soundtrack to this movie, but nothing that’s distracting. I didn’t even know it was there until I turned the sound all the way up on happenstance thinking my speakers were off. The music is good quality and plays well into the scenes.

My favorite part about this movie? Madison has brought out the really good toys. I love when I see good toys in a porn and here she’s bought out what seems to be everybody’s favorites – the Hitachi, the Njoy Pure Wand (my personal favorite), and what looked like a Fun Factory dildo I couldn’t identify. Quality toys always make me very happy when I see them used in porn. They make me want to invest in it if I don’t already have it or use it more if I do. I can tell you I was damn inspired to pull out my Pure Wand while I was watching Dylan Ryan use it on Madison. Oh heck yes.

If you’re looking for a gender queer porn with great realistic girl/girl action, innovative use of hand held cameras to get POV shots that would otherwise be missed, great girls and awesome use of good quality sex toys, you will enjoy Lucky: A Woman’s POV sold at GoodVibes.com.

Review: The New Romantix

The New Romantix

I have pretty high standards when it comes to porn. I’ll admit that right at the start of this. I’ve been watching porn for about a decade now and things I would have let slip by me five years ago now really irritate me.

One thing I love seeing in porn? Women with natural boobs, tattoos and no fake nails. Women who take control of their own sexuality and aren’t afraid to grab life by the balls and take what they want. Female empowerment, if you will.

That’s one of the reasons I was so excited to check out The New Romantix, a Max Royale production sold through Babeland. I  mean come on! It’s cover has James Deen and Joanna Angel on it! They’re two of my favorite porn stars! There’s very little that James Deen can do wrong in my eyes.

Throughout the movie, Royale profiles “6 beautiful, intelligent, funny and amazing women on their passionate quest for sexual liberation and empowerment.” Sounds like it would be right up my alley then, right? Sigh. I wish it had been. This movie held so much promise and fell so short on what it promised to deliver.

Before we get into the things I liked and didn’t like, here’s the trailer for The New Romantix.


Now onto my good things and bad things. Let’s start off with the good things.

1. The girls didn’t look like your average porn stars. Yes, some of the “average” porn stars are hot. But for me a majority of them are not. I don’t like the look of 95% of augmented breasts. Plus I have a thing that porn gives girls and guys an unrealistic body image of what women should look like. We’re not all 5’10, 100 pounds and have 40DD boobs. That’s just not natural. The women in this movie have small breasts, tattoos and piercings. They’re pretty in a downtown chic kind of way. You’d expect to find them at a punk/techno/funk club moreso than on a porn set or dancing at the local strip club.

2. James Deen. Like I said, he can do no wrong in my eyes. He’s just plain fucking hot. I have a thing for skinny dudes who fuck like bunnies and he certainly fits the bill. He can be dominant in the most awesome way or back off and just be a sexual partner. He’s in two scenes in this porn and they are by far the best scenes.

3. The women are clearly enjoying themselves and not faking. Ugh, I hate when women in porn are obviously acting. “Oooh oooh, fuck me! Fuck me!” *insert eye roll here* Not everything needs to be verbalized for it to be sexy. Sometimes the best thing a woman can do in porn is to get her full body into it and really focus. Really make it seem like she’s enjoying having sex and isn’t just there for the paycheck. I won’t even start on women who do lesbian scenes but you can tell are only there for the money and not the other girl. Royale has selected women here to genuinely love sex and love showing off having sex. They are exhibitionists in every sense of the word and I really like that as an exhibitionist myself.

Okay, I really tried to come up with more, but I just couldn’t. So I guess I have to get straight to the bad things about The New Romantix.

1. It just feels low budget and low quality. I know porn doesn’t have the kind of budgets that mainstream motion pictures do, but yeesh at least make the film quality good. The movie cover says it’s shot in high definition but I couldn’t see evidence of it. Maybe somewhere hidden on the two disks I received are secret versions of the movie shot with crystal clarity, but the version I watched definitely wasn’t. It appeared washed out on my screen. Like someone turned down the contrast during editing. To top it off it was grainy too. I swear that a few places it skipped too. Not exactly what you call the best quality in porn.

2. The sound quality was atrocious. Without touching on the completely shitty music, I’ll just touch on the sound quality here. The sound, just like the video quality, was washed out. Whoever mixed the sound should be smacked upside the head. One of the things I like in porn is the sounds of real arousal and real fucking, not dimmed noises drowned out by a soundtrack that didn’t fit with a given scene. Each actual sex scene is preceded by an interview of the female the scene focuses on and those were just fine, sound quality wise, so why couldn’t the actual sex scenes be the same way?

3. Music – egad! Some of the music is great. I love it. The songs are edgy and definitely not your soft-core typical porn soundtrack. Okay that’s great. BUT … the songs should match the mood of the scene and not overpower it. Some of the music clearly doesn’t fit the theme and mood of the scene and it just throws you out of the moment. I get that they were excited to get some of these songs on the soundtrack, but at least make the fit the scene instead of work against it.

4. For a movie that proclaims female sexual liberation, there’s no lesbian scenes. I understand this isn’t marketed as a heterosexual or homosexual porn, but when a film proclaims itself to be “sex positive” on the front of the box, I would think it would at least include some alternatives besides heterosexual sex. Yes there are MFF scenes, but beyond kissing and maybe some nipple sucking, I didn’t see much interaction between the women. As someone who likes all genders, it’s nice to see options presented in porn.

5. A constant presence of the “Max Royale” logo on screen throughout. What am I watching? Content from the internet? Geeze, if you pay for a freaking DVD you should at least get logo free porn.

So what’s my final verdict on The New Romantix, available at Babeland? Ehhhh, I’m not sure I’d watch it if it wasn’t for James Deen and Joanna Angel. If you like those two, it’s maybe worth taking a look at, but overall I don’t think it’s worth it. Production just seemed so haphazard and thrown together that I really couldn’t get into it. The interviews before each scene seemed to bear little relation to the actual scenes. The girls are cute, but you could find similarly cute girls in many other better quality porns. The music totally ruins the mood of most scenes by blocking out the good sex noises I would have preferred to listen. The video is washed out and the sound isn’t good either. I had such high hopes for this porn and nearly every one of them with the exception of James Deen was thrown out the window. 

Latest Life Ambition – Pornstar!

British artist Jo Broughton’s art installation titled “Empty Porn Sets”

It’s an urge I’ve had for a long time. It’s part of my very nature. I’m an exhibitionist person by nature. I’ve tried to be private and not overshare, but sadly one of the inherent pieces of my personality is that I’m exhibitionist. I’m an attention whore. I crave someone paying attention to me at almost every moment. Even when I say I want to be left alone, I really mean I want someone to pay attention that I want to be left alone. I want someone caring about me, watching me, paying attention to me.

A large part of that exhibitionist nature is that I have this craving to do porn. It comes in a variety of mediums. Live action, still and erotic modeling. At some point I have wanted  to do it all. It’s an urge that continues and runs through most moments. For someone who didn’t like the look of my body until maybe the last two years, it’s an odd paradox. I’ve wanted to be a “performer” for years but yet I didn’t like the look of my body until quite recently. Well, that’s also in part due to the fact I wasn’t really aware of my own sexuality until quite recently compared to some of my kinky compatriots. Sure, I knew I was fairly “perverted” and kinky from a young age, but I didn’t really know how to act those thoughts and desires out. Mostly I watched porn and that’s about it.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand. Porn. Performing. Modeling. Oh yes, I’d do it. The huge and looming issue with all of that is the obvious privacy issues. Due to the nature of my career I need privacy and discretion and that pretty much directly conflicts with porn. Porn is about over exposure and showing yourself off. How does that comport with privacy and discretion? Well, at the moment it doesn’t. Maybe at some point in the future when I no longer choose to pursue my profession I could see it happening. But at that point I’m not sure I would be of the same mindset that I am now. I’m not sure that down the road I’ll want to expose myself like I do now.

This urge … this need to show my body off … it’s so strong. It’s going to take some creativity to find a way to intertwine these two very separate and distinct parts of my life. The professional side with the pervy side.