Category Archives: new experiences

Rope, Nipples, and Leather Oh My! My Weekend at SINSations in Leather

Here it is, the long awaited epic recap of my weekend at SINSations in Leather 2011 held in Chicago. I’ve posted before how I was going to this, and my Twitter feed had been pretty much nothing but excited mentions of it for weeks ahead of time. I’ve never been to any kind of large scale kink event and while I had been told what to expect, something like this is just one of those things you have to experience it first hand to really know what it’s like.

For the longest time I’d been expecting to go by myself and meet up with friends there. Maybe meet new people, see what was there and play a little or a lot depending on my comfort level. I had mentioned I was going to one of my friends who was looking to get out of her bad relationship and looking to explore more of her burgeoning kinky side. Eva is someone I’ve known for almost three years now through school and I absolutely love and trust her. She was interested in going and after a few weeks of fence sitting and wavering, I managed to convince her to go and got her all registered. Her newfound enthusiasm was so cute. We’ve all been there in the complete newbie phase. “I have some collars if you want to wear them!” I giggled at her repeated cute texts and Google chat messages and reminded her that I’ve been in this lifestyle far longer than her and that combined with my extensive toy reviewing meant I had my fair share of gear to take with if I wanted to.

I planned my outfits for weeks ahead of time, quite literally. Finding and selecting the perfect pieces that would match everything and give me the look I was going for. I wanted cute and sexy, but not super slutty. The difficult thing is that when you’re outside of your hotel room or the actual roped off convention area, attendees have to be completely covered and all fetishwear must be not visible. You can push it depending on what’s in fashion (corsets for example), but rope harnesses, nudity, excessive bare skin, etc is strongly discouraged if not completely outlawed. This is an event held at a reputable hotel and to our great surprise when we arrived, there was a cheerleading/dance convention or competition also going on there the same weekend. Great plan, hotel people. Book a fetish convention at the same time as a dance convention with lots of judgmental mothers and little girls. Oh well, we made the best of it. The one upside is that at a certain point in the evening, all the underage kids and their parents went to bed and you could walk around with slightly less attention directed at you.

When Eva and I arrived on Friday, we checked into the hotel and threw our stuff in the room. We worked on our make up a little and I put on my ubiquitous super long curly wig. I had almost forgot my fake hair back at my apartment when packing my stuff and that would have been a fail of epic proportions if that had happened. I had a lot of my outfits planned and based around my very long hair. Little girl with big hair? Hot! After we got ourselves gussied up, we went down and registered ourselves at the conference. Ahhhh, I forgot what it’s like to be around people you can make a dirty joke to and they don’t look at you like you’re some sex offender. That’s one of the downsides of being in rather conservative town and social community.

My Friday night outfit

We chilled out and talked with some people after registering and Eva got her first taste of true BDSM people. “Do they all stand that close to you?” I explained there’s not so much a concept of personal space especially after you’ve been up in someone’s junk or seen them completely naked tied up and beaten. Friday night’s opening ceremonies were quickly approaching, so we scooted up to our room and changed from our street clothing to our more “adventurous” clothing. She wore a short skort and top that tied between her breasts and I wore a pink and black corset, leather shorts, fishnets and heels.
I later added a large feather headpiece I had made and the gloves for a full burlesque/saloon girl feel. Needless to say I got quite a bit of attention in that outfit and I really enjoyed showing it off.

Opening ceremonies were nice and while they were long somewhat, it was interesting to hear everybody speak and hear what they had to say. I like people getting named at the beginning so I can put a name to a face throughout an event. As soon as opening ceremonies were over, the play time began. That’s when I ran back up to the hotel room and grabbed my accessories I forgot. We made our way back down and hung out with some people for awhile. I showed off the toys that Crystal Delights Toys graciously supplied to me to show off for the weekend. Everybody was unbelievably impressed and in love with all that is Pyrex and Swarovski toys, as they should be! (Side note: if you don’t have a Crystal Delights toy yet, what are you waiting for?!) Eva and I managed to find ourself in a very interesting conversation about prudery versus sex negativity in our society.

Friday night playtime was rather subdued and neither Eva and I were really looking to play that night. I would have entertained an offer, but we more sat back and watched. We watched some interesting rope suspensions and other scenes around us and talked with some very interesting people. I could tell Eva was still testing her feet in the water of BDSM play and I wasn’t about to go off and abandon her to get myself all  beaten up or worked over when she was still uncertain about things. We watched some suspension attempts by my friends and then ventured off to test out a violet wand that Eva was really interested in. She enjoyed it, but has sensitive skin and didn’t do much of it. I liked the sensation on my arm, but couldn’t do much else without further consultation because of my stainless steel piercings. Friday night wound down around 1am and we scooted off to bed with the promise of more to come on Saturday.

Sailor’s Knot bracelet

Saturday morning came sooner than I think everybody would have liked but our 9am class about wearable shibari (rope decorations and rope play) by the lovely Ms. Cherries Jubalie was an excellent class. Rope is generally not my thing thanks to a very impatient personality, but I’m learning to like it after this weekend. I can definitely see the appeal and the day to day stuff is something I am drawn to. The idea that having something close to your body throughout your day to remind you of your partner or your lifestyle is very appealing. I’m someone who has to dress and look very conservative on a daily basis and if I didn’t have something like my piercings to remind me of my kinky nature, I’m not sure I could handle a lot of the daily stresses of my life. She suggested something even as simple as a sailor’s knot bracelet like I’m showing here at right could be a connection to your “other” life. I have one of these and hadn’t even thought about it. I’ll be wearing it more often now that I’ve connected those two things in my mind!

Our next class was Bondage 201 (mainly with rope) by a personal friend of mine Leon MonkeyFetish and there’s little more I can say about it than Eva turned to me with this glint in her eye and said “I think I like rope.” We’ve created a monster! Between being tied and tying, it was very enjoyable and definitely educational. I had to run out a few times to answer my phone so I missed some things, but I encourage anybody interested in rope play even a little bit to check out his site because there are many many step by step tutorials on how to do some basic to advanced rope work that I doubt I’d ever be able to master thanks to an inability to tie anything more complicated than my shoelaces.

We had lunch with friends and where there’s kinky people in large groups, there will be exciting and stimulating conversations to be had. Eva and I decided to go to Jack Rinella‘s class about building long term relationships, which proved to be very interesting and educational. As someone who would like to eventually be in long term relationships with some bite to them, we wanted to learn what made them work and what would eventually tear them down. While it was obviously directed toward a BDSM-involved crowd, there was some very valid points that can be applied to most any relationship. From what I got out of it, it’s basically centered around the idea that people in relationships need to communicate, continually assess and reassess where they are and where they want to be in their relationship, and understand that people grow over time. Where a relationship starts is not where it may end up in the long run. It makes perfect sense when you think about it objectively, but when you’re in the situation yourself you may not be able to think so objectively.

Eva and I took a break after that session and hung out with Cherry and Leon for awhile. Sometimes the best connections are made when you’re just having down time and connecting that way. Friends are not made in the heat of the moment, but instead when it’s slow and dull. I can’t say that erotic falconry is all that dull, but we had a good time laughing about it and going through the pictures. It’s something Eva and I discovered a few years ago and is now a running joke with us. Dan and Dawn joined us for awhile and there were Ferrero Rocher chocolates to be had thanks to them. Mmmmmm tasty! After awhile the four of us (Leon, Cherry, Eva and myself) decided to leave the hotel to get dinner. Tasty Mexican food was had by all.

My Schoolgirl Outfit

All weekend we were building to Saturday night’s playtime and I had received a promise to get my bum beat on by Leon. I was super excited at the possibility of it because as we know I haven’t done any play since September. My no-play, no-cuddle, no-sex chastity vow has come to a natural end and I was ready and willing to put myself out there for good BDSM play. Eva was excited about the possibility of some rope play now that she’d warmed up to the scene and the people there. We all hung out in Eva and my hotel room for awhile before changing into our Friday night wear. I put on my schoolgirl outfit, which has been known to reduce most anybody to a drooling mess. Eva stuck with the black mini dress I had loaned her for the weekend. Down in the dungeon, the crowd was pretty thin, but it was better that way for Eva because she was not super excited about getting watched while she did her suspension. In fact, she borrowed my white top to use as a blindfold instead of having to see everybody that was mulling around or doing their own thing. Yes, that means I sat there and watched in just my skirt.

Leon worked on her suspension and Cherry and I watched. While I’m not the best person to explain the physics or the details of it, the best description of it is that Eva was suspended face up like she was laying in a hammock. She looked super comfortable and she said it was super comfortable. It even popped a disk in her back she has difficulty popping and was like a free trip to the chiropractor for her! After about five minutes total she was let down from her suspension and it was my turn. Whereas Eva didn’t want any impact play, that’s mainly what I wanted. We sat there for awhile trying to figure out what to do, ultimately decided I’d have my arms bound behind me and a rope harness tied so that I could be held upright and not run away while I was getting worked over. While I have had a rope breast harness before, I haven’t had my arms restrained by rope or been tied to a stable point before.

Now here comes the fuzzy part for me. I wish I could explain everything in minute detail, but once the fists start flying and my ass gets hit, my mind goes into a special place and I don’t pay attention to the details as much. There was biting and ultimately I ended up with something like seven bite marks all over my body, mostly on my thighs, ass, and back. I was hit with a pineapple knot, or what I would better call a “rope wrecking ball.” I got lowered to my knees with my forehead pressed to the floor and my ass received a lot more attention from his hands and ultimately his feet. Yes, I got kicked … a lot. Mmm it was delicious. Leon is OCD like me so once he bit one side of my back he had to do the other side as well. I have matching bite marks on the small of my back on either side. I quite like them but they make for interesting sensations.

I think what was most interesting for me is that while I didn’t use my safeword even through the worst of the pain, I started to cry. I’ve cried a few times while getting beat, but it’s not something I do every time. I’ve been dealing with a lot of crap in my head lately, and I’ve been questioning myself and my intentions in the BDSM lifestyle. I’ve often said that for me beatings are a catharsis and this turned out to be no different. It allowed me to get out of my head for a few minutes and focus on the sensations and what was happening to my body. Before long I was downright sobbing and I think I freaked out Leon when I started to cry so hard. I had to reassure him it was okay and that I was doing alright. That it was a good thing I was crying and that it was making me feel better. I was worried that Eva would get too freaked out by me crying, but by this point she wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening to me because she was processing her drop. I don’t blame her. I’ve been there.

The rope marks on my thighs after

The beating finally subsided and I got to wipe my tears away. I felt so cleansed and bare. It was really a great feeling. We hadn’t discussed doing it before, but then I asked if I could be suspended like Eva since she had loved it so much. It’s an experience I’ve been wanting to try and this was the perfect opportunity. We thought about the best way to do it given my body and given the fact that I tend to have low or poor circulation in my limbs. Ultimately I got rigged up with another chest rope harness and was suspended face down with rope around my chest, thighs and ankles. There was a lot of pressure on my ribs and sternum so some adjusting needed to be done, easily done when you have someone experienced like Leon. Once I finally got off the ground it was this amazing feeling of flying. He laid down on the floor and I spun around for awhile while he watched me. It was a lot of fun, but like all things, I had to finally come down and the ropes came off. Yes, there were some pretty amazing rope indentations on my skin.

Eva was getting a pretty amazing looking foot rub and I was processing my own drop at this point. I wandered around for a bit and when I got back she was sleepy and I could tell her adrenaline levels were crashing, a cue that her sub drop was hitting full scale. She went on up to our hotel room and I watched Leon work with Cherry on a suspension too. Three suspensions in a night! I was really enjoying it but like Eva, my energy levels were plummeting now too. By then it was close to 1am and I was wanting sleep in the baddest way possible. I had to run down to the lobby after I took off all my make up and hair and one of the most touching moments of all weekend was riding the elevator back up with the event photographer. All weekend he’s seen me in full make up and fake hair. I wasn’t even sure he recognized me but indeed he did. On Sunday he saw me again in full makeup and hair and told me, “You look beautiful without the wig too.” It seriously put a huge smile on my face.

“Have you pet the kitty today?” shirt

Sunday morning rolled around and dragging my now bruised and sore body out of bed was a serious challenge. There was some groaning and protests but I had to get out eventually. The shower felt so good, but it was really hard to do much movement given how sore my ass was. there were some seriously great looking bruises beginning to form. One thing about me is that I really love being marked after a beating and I take pride in meticulously documenting my markings on an almost 6 hour incremental basis. My Sunday outfit was a little toned down from my previous outfits. I wore a tank top I got in Vegas that said “Have you pet the kitty yet today?” with my black satin waist cincher over it and the same pair of leather shorts. I had several people comment how cute and tiny I looked. I guess losing 15 pounds since November and wearing a tightly laced corset will do that to you. Sunday’s only class that we could go to was Leon’s Rope Finishing and Care class and while I had to run out a few times to answer my phone, Eva said it was a great class and I have a little segment of hemp rope to finger now. A reminder of the weekend so to speak.

My new high heels! LOVE! 

We did a little shopping in the vendor area and I convinced myself into getting a new pair of heels (self proclaimed shoe whore!) at an amazing deal. Given I find so few shoes in general and definitely heels that fit me, I try not to pass up a size 5 or smaller heel when I can find them. I don’t often have someone who puts the heels on my feet when I try stuff on and that was a different sensation, but I won’t say I didn’t enjoy it. At least I didn’t kick the guy in the face like the last person to give me a pedicure!

Unfortunately it was time for Eva and I to go and it was getting late in the day on Sunday. Being students means we had prior commitments to schoolwork we needed to complete on Sunday, despite wanting to stay. If I could have I would have stayed there for another few hours with people. We packed up our stuff and changed back into ‘normal’ clothes and were on our way back to our tiny little student apartments.

So did I have a good time at SINSations in Leather? Yes! I loved my time there and I got to meet a lot of really great people. Sometimes being in law school is very confining and isolating. It’s especially isolating when nobody I know is interested in BDSM enough to let me talk freely about this stuff. Thankfully now I have Eva to share these experiences with and talk to. I’m hoping to help her on her own journey into the lifestyle, no matter how far into it she gets. We were all newbies at one point, young and naive. I think what I most took from the weekend was a reinforcement of what I feel is my purpose in this life. I feel like I’m here in this particular life to make a positive influence in people’s lives. If I can put a smile on one person’s face every day and know that I’ve made their day or their life better, than my day has been a positive one.

Would I go back to another event? Most certainly yes! I would love to go to future events and drag Eva along with me given the timing and financials are in right place. I’m looking into stuff starting after my bar exam in late July and hoping that I can make this a regular thing.

For me SINSations in Leather was an eye opening and enriching experience. I have the marks to prove it. I got the catharsis I was seeking for a very long time and I feel lighter and cleaner because of it. I met a lot of really good people and have some opportunities now that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t gone. And the best part? A new pair of really great high heels!

So What’s Shaking, Bacon?

I admit, there’s not much going on in my life. I am, most of the time, a very boring woman. I go to class, I go to work, I come home, and I relax. There’s normally not much variation in my routine thanks to a lot of factors. At the beginning of 2011, I made a promise to myself though that I would do more. Be more social. Be more kinkster. Be more just out there. Hell, I’m not going to find playmates or romantic interests if I’m locked in my apartment by 5pm and in bed by 8pm every night. Okay, well I might, but the chances are extremely unlikely.

That being said, I’ve made a conscious effort to get back into the Chicago kink scene and be more social, both with my law school friends and my kink friends. In the last few weeks I’ve made really good progress and started reconnecting with important people along with meeting new people.

Last Monday I started by putting a personal ad up on I guess you could say that I am looking to get back into the dating scene too. But you’re saying, “Isabel, what about your chastity vow/dating ban?” I think the biggest revelation I’ve had in the last few weeks is that I feel like my vow has come to it’s natural end. I’ve learned a lot about myself; I’ve learned to be happy and love myself. I’ve learned that I deserve better than what I was giving and affording myself. Most importantly, I’ve learned not to compromise on things that I consider extremely important. Maybe it’s the loneliness talking, but I would like to find someone now. Hell, I’d like to find someones. My ad mainly focused on the search in Chicago for individuals or couples I could be friends with and ultimately be involved romantically or play-wise with. So far I’ve received a ton of responses, some good and some bad. Some hilariously bad in fact. Maybe some day I’ll post some of the most hilariously bad messages I receive on Fetlife. Through all the messages and all the laughter, there have been some gems that have emerged. We’re in the first stages of getting to know each other. Mainly still talking. I have a tentative dinner/coffee date scheduled for this upcoming Sunday with someone who seems promising. We shall see. I don’t necessarily need or want to find the love of my life right now, but I think I’d like to make friends that share my views on kink. Moreover I’d like to meet some people I feel comfortable indulging in play and/or sex with without the worry that things are going to fall apart afterward. I’m definitely missing that release.

Last Tuesday I also signed up to attend SINSations in Leather, a Chicago-based kink convention and all-together good time. For the longest time I’ve been really interested in attending a convention or large gathering but for whatever reason, plans have never materialized. Usually I have conflicts with school, work or family. The biggest stumbling block has always been price as well. After being alerted to a Valentine’s weekend special I decided to finally take the plunge and sign up. I’m hoping to meet a lot of cool people, enjoy and learn at some interesting classes, and most importantly show off and partake in damn good play times. I’ve heard wild stories of these conventions and am definitely interested in coming away with some of my own. I’ll be there with bells on, so to speak. Hell, I may even bring my tweezer-style clamps with bells on the end! My suitcase will get packed with toys, gear, fetish wear and shoes. I’ll also be bringing a healthy supply of business cards to promote my blog in any way I can. If you’re interested in going, I suggest you sign up soon. Space is limited and you can be guaranteed of a good time. Plus you’ll get to see me there!

In addition to all of this, I’m also being more social with school friends. As one person said to me on Saturday night at an 80’s prom-themed party, “Holy crap! You’re socializing again! Twice! In the same week! Hell, twice in the same year!” Yeah, I know. I’m a flake when it comes to hanging out with friends who share a lot of common interests. Well, at least a lot of common school interests. I highly doubt some of these people are doing what I’m doing on the weekends. Of course you never know considering how undercover I am myself. There may be other kinksters among my classmates and I may not know it.

Overall, I’m just trying to savor the last few months I have of freedom before graduation and subsequent studying for the bar exam. There’s under 100 days until I graduate from what is my 19th year of school in a row. Do I feel under pressure to fit in everything before I leave? Yes, I do. I want to have the memories I haven’t made yet so I’m going out of my way to do all this.

So if I’m slow, absent or generally not posting a lot, you will know why. I have life to live! I have experiences to enjoy! I have kinky times to partake in. Most importantly, I want to be the best undercover kinskter I can be and I can’t be undercover if I’m always hiding in my apartment.

Medication Diaries

Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is not intended as medical advice. I’m not advocating taking or not taking any particular medication nor saying that medication itself is a toxin. I’m merely relaying my experiences with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Before starting or stopping any form of treatment, please consult a licensed physician for your particular symptoms.

In December of 2009 I went to the doctor hoping to get some of my stress issues worked out. I could tell you all the symptoms I had, but by now I’ve forgotten most of them. The biggest was I knew I was having mini panic attacks most every day. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t dealing with stress in a way I knew how to. Exercise and meditation didn’t work for me either. It was no longer an issue about calming myself down and relaxing; it was much larger than that.

I talked to my doctor and she suggested I had a low grade form of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This wasn’t too much of a shock considering my father had been diagnosed with a somewhat more intense version of the same disorder. My doctor and I went through all the various options I had for treatment and we ultimately decided on a low dose of a combination anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication, Paxil. The dose was so low it was almost placebo level, but we wanted to see how I’d respond to it.

It was about two weeks when my first real side effects started to emerge. It was an interesting side effect too – my entire body was itching inside and out. My skin constantly felt like it was crawling. At the time I was wearing fake nails and I found myself itching my skin literally to the point of raising welts and drawing blood. My head itched so badly I had to start using anti-dandruff shampoo to calm my scalp down despite not having dandruff. I was using oatmeal-based body wash to calm my inflamed skin. I was mixing antihistamine ointment with my sensitive skin oatmeal lotion to relieve more itching.  Something wasn’t right. I’d never had these problems before. Sure, I felt more mentally stable, but it seemed to me like Paxil was giving me side effects that I couldn’t handle long term.

I went into see my doctor again and she switched me to a similar medicine, Lexapro. They’re all in the same family of drugs apparently. The Lexapro did the proper things such as making me more even mood wise, decreased my anxiety and the stress I was dealing with before was almost non-existent. But as the weeks wore on the itching that I had dealt with on Paxil had returned to the same level as before. I managed to keep taking it through finals because I need to be relaxed and dealing with those well enough. Finals ended and so did my Lexapro taking. I didn’t want to itch any more.

My general doctor had never heard of itching as a side effect. He consulted his colleagues and they’d never heard of it. He looked it up in books and found nothing. I looked it up online and only found one or two references to something similar. It took going to my dermatologist for an unrelated issue and asking him as an offhand question to figure out that I was allergic to these medicines. He told me that the itching was a side effect from some ingredient or something inside these medicines. It all made perfect sense. While some people steer clear of things they’re allergic to, like peanuts and shellfish, I was happily swallowing something that I was allergic to every morning.

I was in court one day doing status work during this past summer and right in the middle of court I got a panic attack. The world closed around me and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think; I couldn’t handle being there. I had to get out. I went home that day and realized that I needed to be on something. I went back to the doctor and this time I was recommended to be on Effexor. It was a similar drug, but slightly different. This time I was taking an SSRI. The doctor warned me that at some point if I went off it, the withdrawal from it would be much worse than both Paxil and Lexapro (on which I’d never experienced any kind of withdrawal.)

So how did Effexor work for me? Wonderfully in theory. My mental clarity was really good. I wasn’t as down on the whole. I could handle stressors very well when they arose and found myself in a much healthier mindset most of the time.

But there were side effects too. I had mood swings that could click on and off. I’d be happy for days on end and then *snap* something would happen. My depression would be extremely deep and it would take a lot for me to pull myself out of it. I had a period of depression that felt like it went on for weeks. Friends and family commented on it. I finally told my parents – “Hey, I’m really down and trying to do my best to get out of it, but just take time and have patience with me.” They were understandably worried as I was. I was starting to get mad at myself at how depressed I was. That period of time is something I’ve mentioned on here before. It damn near killed me. Then one day I woke up and decided “I don’t want to be depressed any more” and I was out of it. My happiness had returned.

I found my obsessive aspects of my personality kicking in as well. My collecting and hoarding tendencies grew and collections of things packed up in my apartment. It was weird almost. I didn’t see it as a problem at the time, but now looking back I see it wasn’t necessarily a side effect of the Effexor though it was something to think about and consider.

But as time went on, the itching that I had problems with on Paxil and Lexapro resumed, though to a lesser extent. My biggest side effect I noticed? I gained weight. Lots and lots of weight. Ten pounds in a matter of four months. That doesn’t sound like a ton of weight to the average person, but for someone who is 4’9″ that a lot of weight. I simply don’t have any place to put it. Granted my boobs got bigger and so did my ass, and I can’t debate that hasn’t produced some lovely attention but other parts of my body swelled. My calves, thighs, stomach. Even my fingers gained weight. My face got rounder. It wasn’t a pleasant thing at all. It was really starting to effect my ego as well as my anxiety there. I couldn’t fit into clothing that I’d ling since fit and looked good in. Not a big deal normally given clothes shrink over time. But when something I’d bought two weeks prior fitting nicely didn’t fit when I came back to it later in that two week time period, I knew things were starting to get out of hand.

That’s when I said enough was enough. I couldn’t do this any more. Between the itching, the mood swings, the weight gain and other minor side effects I couldn’t really identify specifically, I couldn’t take these medicines. The toxins I as willingly putting in my body had to go. Instead of addressing the underlying issues and again attempting to treat these things naturally, I was putting a Band-aid over a gaping wound so to speak. This wasn’t working at all.

So what did I do? I wouldn’t say it was the smartest thing in the world. I just stopped taking Effexor. Cold turkey. I took my last pill on Tuesday, October 19th and haven’t taken one since. The first day without medicine I felt fine. No side effects so I thought maybe the reports of withdrawal were overrated and over reported.

The next day though, my withdrawal officially started. Queasiness. Dizziness. Irritability. Pounding headache. I couldn’t eat anything. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t stand too long without wanting to fall over. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. It was essentially like the flu from hell. In my moments of lucidity and less queasiness thanks to drinking Pepto like water, I found what I was going through. It’s called SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome. I looked up the symptoms and had just about all of them. I just hoped it wouldn’t last long considering I hadn’t been taking the Effexor for long in the first place.

It’s been just under a week now and I’m much better. The lingering side effect is a little bit of light headedness that does get a little worse as the day goes on, but nothing like two or three days after discontinuing my medicine. I would say I’m about 99% through what I’ve been calling detox and feeling better than ever.

So what lays ahead for me? Not mind-altering chemicals that’s for sure. I can’t take anti-depressants any more if they give me these side effects. It’s not worth it. When I feel like crap and feel bad about my appearance, I can’t do it. When I’m depressed for weeks on end when I’m already on anti-depressants, I can’t do it. When my moods swing to and fro like a child’s swing, I can’t do it. No, I don’t think anti-depressants are for me at all. I’m investigating herbal remedies and will work on overcoming this stress and anxiety through sheer willpower alone. I am mentally stronger than all this. I can do it.

Judge me or don’t judge me for what I’m doing. Call me stupid for doing this if you want, but this is my body. I can control what goes in and I’m saying I can no longer put these toxins inside me happily with these side effects. This is my life. I’m going to make the best I can of it, chemical free.

Lessons Learned From My First Play Party

What did I learn at my first group play party? That I think I’m not cut out for play parties.

Everything leading up to the party was fun. I got there early and my host, M, and I “made friends” rather early. Must have been 15 minutes absolutely tops before we were going at it on the couch. Did I mention this was also our first time meeting? He bent me over the couch and did me from behind while he spanked me and called me his whore for the night. I enjoyed that immensely, but like every other sexual experience in my life, it wasn’t very satisfying without the orgasm at the end. Sigh. Maybe some day. But that’s another post.

When we were done, we got cleaned up and went to Target to get some party supplies. Being that I was the “house girl” for the evening, my main responsibilities were to greet the guests, offer them a beverage of their choosing and be available for their use and abuse throughout the night. Thankfully most were respectful and understood I was new to this and still somewhat uncomfortable. I must say, it was really surreal to be walking around Target getting chips, drinks, snacks and extra large boxes of condoms. I think we freaked out the cashier with the unique item selection we had. On the way out we stopped for some food at the Target cafe. The original plan was to have a sit down dinner, but traffic was horrible on my way there so I arrived late.

We arrived back at the hotel and started setting out all the snacks. M instructed me what my duties for the evening were and tied up my breasts with his rope to decorate them. I’d coincidentally forgotten to bring the dress I intended to wear. Seriously, it was an accident. So my outfit for the evening consisted of a rope harness around my breasts, a black lace thong and black patent platform high heels. It was quite the look. I laid out all my toys I’d brought as things people could use if they wanted to. I’d made sure to bring mostly things that could be fully sterilized after use. Tantus products, glass dildos and plugs, and then a random supply of other things.

At some point people started arriving, much later than we’d anticipated. Turns out we likely would have had time to have that sit down dinner we’d been planning. I assumed my role for the evening, greeted guests and made small talk. While I didn’t really find myself in any overtly sexual situation or involving myself in them, I did find that I spent most of my time being a sex toy educator. I guess I can’t turn the switch off, huh? I talked about how I review toys and write this blog. People were really interested and curious to hear about the things I review. That was a lot of fun.

As more people arrived, things got sexier and more skin could be seen. I assumed my roll even more and serviced a few of the guests the best way I could. My mouth is practically miniature so there’s no way 99% of penises fit in it. I ended up licking and sucking at the head more than anything. I sat on laps and talked about fun stuff. Watched some sexy times as well. But one thing that I found interesting here is that I suddenly found myself too shy to even watch sex going on. This was rather curious for me because I’ve always considered myself a voyeur. When I thought back on it after getting home, I realized I should modify that moniker with a word in front of it. I’m a “egotistical voyeur.” I love watching myself get fucked, but not necessarily others. Strange concept and it will probably need more refining and testing as I go along.

People were very interested in my toys and I had put the Crystal Delights Crystal Clear Glass Anal Plug in earlier in the evening. Most wanted to see that and play with it themselves. So I did my fair share of leaning over and showing off my jewelry. And then of course turning around and showing off my vertical clit hood piercing as well. Sparkly in the back and sparkly in the front.

One guy in particular was fascinated with it and bent me over a bed to take a closer inspection. We talked and eventually that led to him grinding on my ass in that position. This was actually fairly early in the evening as he was one of the first guests to arrive. We talked about how this was both our first parties and how surreal it was. Turns out that would be the theme of the evening – surreal.

Time went on and I watched, talked and interacted with all the guests. Everybody was super cool and understood that I was spotting leading up to my dreaded period, so thus not really interested in receiving vaginal sex. Mostly people just played with my boobs, probably because they were highlighted so well. My two friends who were RSVPed guests finally arrived after waiting in vain to pick someone up. They’re very cool people and I love hanging out with them. Hell, if I hadn’t had duties all evening I would have spent most of my time with them. Almost instantly upon her getting there, she became the main entertainment for the party while I sat on his lap and he stroked my exposed skin. Damn, she’s good at sexy things. It’s like watching a great show.

I will tell you that as more people arrived, I got more and more sidetracked and distracted with everything going on around me. I inadvertently turned down an offer to get a little action with the male of the couple I’m friends with. I’m kicking myself still because honestly, I have no recollection of turning down this offer. I figured they’d be there for awhile and I’d just get my turn eventually I guess. Apparently it hurt his feelings a little, but we’ve since resolved it. I still feel terrible. If I had been thinking clearly and not distracted I would have jumped at the opportunity and been all over him. My best defense is my senses and cognitive abilities were so overwhelmed I had no idea what was going on. Sigh.

The one dude who was fascinated with my plug pulled me away from my male friend with the intention of having some anal with me. The slightly funny, slightly sad and all together too awkward problem with this was he squirted way too much Wet Synergy lube in my ass and on  his cock so there was not enough friction. A little bit of silicone lube goes a long way, kiddies. Don’t forget that. Plus, he couldn’t seem to get hard enough to push inside my ass. We agreed it was performance anxiety for him having never “performed” in front of a crowd before. Regardless it was still awkward, and frankly I was a little annoyed I was pulled away from my friend for unsuccessful anal. Oh well, live and learn.

We all watched more sex going on throughout the hotel suite and I attempted to use my Latigo Leather harness but I guess all the girls weren’t interested. I did get a girl to suck my “cock” off and I was super into face fucking her with it. I can definitely see where the attraction for men is. She “jacked” me off too and I enjoyed that. The girls at the party were all gross and covered in various forms of body fluids so we decided to hop in the shower together. At that moment a rather well known MtF transexual female porn start decided to show up and bring friends. Normally trans people are totally not my thing (nothing against them, it’s just not an interest of mine) but they were really cool and people were looking forward to meeting them. Throughout the evening I enjoyed talking to them. Even taught a few some new things about sex toys! Booyah!

Several girls and the porn start hopped in the shower and those who didn’t fit took turns rotating in. Oddly enough it was my first time being in a shower with another person. Funny right? Loved watching girls makeout under the water and even got in on a few makeouts myself.

My friends had to go as they were getting up early the next morning (or later that morning given it was around 2 am at this point.) They departed with spanks, kisses and promises to get together again soon with those who would be available. I got back in the shower with a couple and we joked about fucking in the shower, her with her Feeldoe and him with his cock. Passing me back and forth like a football given their larger stature than mine.

When the showers were done we all just kind of chilled in the main room and talked. The night seemed to be winding down and I was till wide awake so at a certain point I decided to risk the 90 minute drive home instead of staying. I sure as heck wouldn’t be sleeping if I was going to stay. All the party guests decided to leave at the same time and I kissed my host on the way out. He told me he was pleased with me and I had done a good job. That made this Kitten very happy.

Unfortunately on the drive home I started thinking about a lot of things and my emotions caught up with me. I realized some important things about myself and my own preferences. The biggest one is I think if I go to a group party from now on if I can’t go with my lovies (more information on them to come soon) I probably won’t go to participate. Just go to hang out and meet new people. We’d discussed that I was going ahead of time and there wasn’t any issue me going alone, but it made me feel like I was cheating on them almost. Like I was doing something outside of our relationship and it hurt me.

We’ve talked about it since then and agreed it’s probably best as it really put a strain on my emotions to do this without them. I want to be committed to them and nobody else. I have a very, very small number of freebie people and the understanding is they’re okay to play with, but otherwise I’m going to be committed to my lovies. Especially if I end up feeling the way I did after this party again.

Overall, I am glad I went, but the whole thing was a very surreal experience for me. It’s important to do new things in your life, if only to learn what you like and what you don’t like. I definitely learned things in both of those categories as a result of this experience. Would I go to one again knowing what I know? Probably. But I would go just to hang out and probably not to participate. The best might be going as the sex toy educator. I found that to be the most fun aspect of all night. Me thinks it’s a calling?

The bottom line for me is sex parties are fun, but I’m not entirely sure they’re my thing. Maybe with less people and going with my lovies, but alone and at a huge party where I’m still not 100% comfortable might not have been the best experience for me emotionally given I was already a bit thrown off by several other things in my life.

Do I think you should try them? Only if you feel comfortable enough and are looking to meet new people who are kinky and open. Make friends with people who go to them and you might find yourself on the invite list soon enough. As long as you’re safe about being there and use protection and your wits, it may be a much more pleasurable and fun experience for you. Hopefully with less emotional backlash.

A Big First for This Kinkster

So this upcoming Friday I have plans to attend my first somewhat large scale play party. I’ve been invited by someone I’ve been talking to since I first joined and I am quite excited about it. Sure, I’ve had threesome experiences, but no experiences with more than three people in the same room.

I’m really excited about going to this party. I know several of the people in attendance and I’m salivating over the opportunity to have sex with them, either again or for the first time. There are people I’ve been hoping to meet that might come and that also is something I look forward to. There’s quite a difference between seeing pictures of someone and seeing them in the flesh. And feeling that flesh too.

I think this will really will be the most “difficult” thing I’ve ever done sexually. I tend to get really sore and raw from long sessions, mostly from not cumming so far from either oral or penetrative sex. Yes, that means the only way I’ve ever cum is from solo stimulation AKA masturbation. I love fucking for hours and hours but at a certain point my poor vagina gets sore and unusable. Adding external lubricants helps with that, but being a tiny girl with well endowed partners I’m going to get sore no matter what help I get.

I think I’m most excited about having a good outlet for my voyeurism and exhibitionism. I love watching and I love performing. So any experience where I can do both is a good experience for me. And of course watching and then being invited to participate also is pretty exciting as well. I have no doubt at some point during the evening that will occur as well.

Am I a little big nervous or worried? I would be inhuman if I say I wasn’t. After all this is the first time I’ve done this kind of thing. I don’t expect everything to go perfectly, but I’m sure hoping everything goes well.

I’ll make sure to report back how it goes. I’m sure I’ll have some very titillating stories to share here.

Introductions from Lexi and the Story of Meeting Isabel

Hello Undercover Kinkster world! My name is Lexi, and I am a friend of Isabel’s. Until recently, I was completely unaware of this whole side of her … I have a feeling that she was hesitant to share it with me. I completely understand why. With the way that we met and the way that she knows I am, I do not blame her at all. We met after being randomly paired for a group we were both involved with and from that very first day, she was like my sister. She sent me cards wishing me good luck and for all holidays. She baked for me and celebrated birthdays with me. She even bought me alcohol back when I was underage! I mean, of course Isabel would never consider doing such a thing! [Note from Isabel – I have no idea what she’s talking about ….. ] Isabel was always very shy and would only make dirty jokes around the closest of her friends. I got to see some of that, but not a lot. In fact, when it comes to that sort of stuff, I was the wild one! Sadly, Isabel graduated two semesters after I met her, and went off to law school. I have been lucky enough to remain in relatively good contact with her, even while halfway around the world! I mean, she even picked me up at the airport as a surprise when I spent a summer abroad!

As often happens, we did begin to drift apart a bit. Work and classes had both of us so busy, and the distance became difficult. However, I have always counted her as one of my closest friends. Apparently though, I did not know a huge part of her. When she first sent me the link to her blog, I was only semi-surprised at some of the content. She has been writing what I consider racy stories for a while and would even send me the links when I was traveling. However, I did not realize that she had actually immersed herself into this world. I do not have much experience with anything like this, so it caught me by surprise. I am very touched that she has shared this side with me, and I am so proud of her for finding that side of her and that she has found a way to be happy. That is truly all that matters. For some, a kinky lifestyle is not just something they enjoy – it’s who they truly are inside. It is all about what is comfortable for the individual. There are also varying degrees of kinkiness that people can handle. Which is where I come in!

I do not have much sexual experience at all. Both of the men that I have had sex with have been very missionary position, in the dark type of guys. Nothing wild and crazy. I always thought I wanted something a little bit more exciting, but my experiences gave me nothing to go off of. I am a practicing Catholic and do a lot with my Church and with all of that, oddly enough, kinky pre-marital sex is not usually part of our discussions. Who would have thought? But if there is one thing I have learned from Isabel, it is that I need to make my own decisions based on what feels right for me.

Recently, I met a guy. When it all comes down to it, he is kind of a jerk and who knows what will happen with it, but I am learning from him. He was an ex’s best friend, and right after that guy and I broke it off, Kinkster and I started … well, fooling around is probably the best way to put it. I am not the type to do that normally, but I’ve been doing lots of new things. Since being involved with Kinkster, I have been in two sex toy shops, fooled around in an office in the basement of my school, on the top of a parking garage, and on the road … while he was driving and I was completely naked in the passenger seat. For me, this is wild stuff. He has introduced me to a whole new world, and I’ve just barely stepped inside it.

This is where Isabel comes in again: she has made me a wonderful offer. I will be contributing some stories to her blog and she will introduce me even further into a world I know little about. I do not know where to start, and I have no idea what she has in store for me. That is part of the fun. A lot of it will be a surprise. This is all new for me, so all of you will get to read about my adventures (and misadventures, knowing my luck) with toys and the like. Based on some of the stuff Isabel has described to me, I know nothing. So, for those of you who are thinking about all of this stuff, but are a little intimidated by it – welcome to my world! We can go through this adventure together and hopefully find the right mix that works for us. And for those who are more experienced, enjoy the entertainment.



Needles and piercings, oh my!

So on Friday I was browsing the my campus’ newspaper when I came upon a little ad for a local piercing studio that was having a Friday-only special for $10 off genital piercings. Immediately I got interested and thoughts started racing through my head.

When I was around 15 or so, I came upon this British magazine in Borders or some comparable bookstore. At the time I was obsessed with all things British so I purchased the random fashion magazine and immersed myself in the lingo and various articles.

And then I came upon one that changed my life, planted a seed in my head and created a life long obsession with all things pierced.

It was an article about clitoral hood piercings. One woman chronicled her choice to get one and the entire process of getting prepped, pierced and the subsequent aftercare. Though I have since lost both the article and the magazine, I can’t tell you how many times I must have read the article and longed to get one myself.

I did all the research over the last decade or so and investigated my choices. The vertical clitoral hood piercing looked the sexiest to me and attracted me the most. I made it a goal of mine to get one at some point in my life.

So needless to say when the ad popped up on my radar, I jumped on the opportunity. I decided earlier in March that I wanted to get my nipples pierced for my birthday at the end of March (which has since been postponed), and I decided I wanted to do my clit hood at some point this year too. All of this last week I was in the mood to do it. Nipples require a lot more healing time than clitoral hood, with the hood taking around four weeks total versus months for nipples.

I got off work early and decided to check out the place. Being a germaphobe I decided that if the place was grungy or I didn’t trust it, I wasn’t going to do it. I had enough cash so I had no problem with paying. But either way I was just going to check it out. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

I pulled up to the studio only a few blocks from my apartment and mustered some last minute courage. I’d either come out of there wimping out or pierced downstairs.

The studio inside was pretty nice for a campus tattoo/piercing parlor and fairly stylish almost. The dude who answered my questions was so tattooed and pierced I think he might have been more ink and steel than bone and skin. I told him what I wanted and he asked all the appropriate questions. The price was right and I felt confident he knew what he was doing. I filled out the paperwork showing I was of legal age and paid my money. He scurried around in the back getting things ready and I sat down, Twittering and texting with friends the entire time. Some were shocked I would do this, but all were supportive and many even excited for me. Of course, all of these friends are kinky. I think my vanilla friends would faint if I had told them.

Of course I was nervous but oddly not nervous about the piercing. I was more nervous about showing my pussy to a guy when I hadn’t shaved in about a week. It wasn’t a forest, but it wasn’t nice and bare like I prefer to show it off. I made small talk with the piercer while we waited for a chair to be available and made small talk with the tattoo guy who also worked there while my piercer had a smoke outside. Tattoo guy asked if he could watch me getting pierced cause he’d never actually seen a vertical hood done in person. Being the exhibitionist I am, I said yes. Hell, I’ve shown my bits off to more people in cyberspace so what the hell to one more in person.

When the time was right, I was shuffled back to a chair and my piercer got everything ready. He pulled out the privacy divider in case I didn’t want the other people in there catching sight of my pussy. I pulled up my skirt up and undies to the side. Tattoo dude stood and watched, occasionally taking pictures with my cell phone because I asked him to take pictures for posterity. Yes, I still have them. They’re pretty freaking cool.

My piercer lined everything up, prepped and I took a deep breath when I thought he was going for it. The pain was quick and stabbing but very brief. My wimpy self yelled out “Oh fuck me!” and before I knew it, I had a stainless steel curved barbell through my clitoral hood.

Looking down, I fingered the pretty little jewelry and instantly loved it! How could I not? It was the culmination of a decade’s worth of obsessing and promising myself. I had been fixated on it for so long that I loved the look and feel of it without hesitation.

My piercer explained the after care instructions thoroughly. I helped, chiming in when I knew things, after all I had been thinking about this for super long. He laughed and loved the fact I was so outwardly straight laced and yet I wanted to get all these things pierced (we also talked about me coming back for my nipples.) There I was with pearl studs in my ears and steel through my pussy. About as undercover as you can get!

I walked out of the piercing studio on a huge adrenaline high. Being an adrenaline junkie, it was such a high.

Two days later I still love it. It feels amazing and it looks even better. I can’t stop fingering the little balls (with clean hands of course.) I can only imagine how it will feel to be played with. And how amazing it will be when fully healed.

Sure, I’m in a bit of discomfort. Saturday I felt kind of like someone punched me in the pubic bone … hard … and today I’m sore mostly in the tissue between the balls, but nothing I can’t handle. Sex makes me more uncomfortable than this. What’s a few days of pain for a lifetime of having beautiful jewelry in my pussy?

And yes, I’ve already learned the perfect hip roll move in bed to have the lower ball rub right on my clit.

I can’t wait to sit in class and know that under my pants I have a genital piercing.

If you’re at all considering getting a female genital piercing, I urge you to do so. They’re beautiful and they definitely enhance how I feel about my own sexuality. It makes me feel so much more sexy. I don’t doubt it will do that for you too if you’re wanting a genital piercing.

But remember, do your research. There are many medical conditions that prevent people from getting pierced. Anatomy shape and size also plays a large part of it. Be sure that your piercing studio is using sanitized and clean materials. Each needle should be single use and insist that your needle is opened in front of you so you know you’re getting a fresh one. Follow the aftercare instructions and treat it nicely while it heals. If you follow some simple precautions, you’ll be pierced and jeweled in no time.

Happy piercings to everybody!