Category Archives: musings

Where have all the “true” doms gone?

It’s something I’ve been encountering for years now. While I have been in the kink community for a very short time compared to some more seasoned members, I’ve had my fair share of “doms” attempting to pursue me. I’ve sometimes even been the domme pursuing someone myself. The joys of being a switch!

In all the time I’ve been in the community though, I’ve only encountered a few of what I call legitimate dominant people. It is as easy as saying the word to call yourself “dominant” but actually living the principles of the moniker are much harder and rarely done right. There have been a handful in my life who are excellent at it. Compared to the whole of “dominant” people though, they are merely a teaspoon in an ocean of idiots.

I think the thing I see most frequently is people assuming “dominant” means being pushy. The thought process is something like this: “Well, maybe if I ask enough/talk enough/push enough she/he will give in and I’ll have my way.” Clearly I have paraphrased here. Only pure idiots and jerks would think that exact line. But the thought is the same. If someone politely declines an invitation or says they will not be able to make it to an event/munch/play party/date, take that and be okay with it. Asking once if circumstances have changed and thus said person would be allowed to attend said event is allowable in my book. Asking 15 times is not. While 15 may be an exaggerated number, I don’t feel it’s that unheard of for something of that sort to happen.

Most of the “dominants” I’ve encountered in my time have been nothing more then pushy jerks who are frequently misogynistic. When you have no compunction or regard for women, it is easy to treat them like some object to be acquired instead of valued members of society who contribute equally to a relationship that should be built on time, trust and communication. Someone who constantly pushes me to do something I have neither the time, interest or wish to do will lose that trust I have in them, however small it may be at the time.

Call me naive, but I see kinky relationships to be out of the Victorian era. It’s about courting a lover, not throwing your will and assuming their life. Small steps and small favors go miles in my world. Trust is something earned over a long period of time, but can be destroyed with a very minor misstep. We are a community of protocols and hierarchies. If you know a submissive has someone in their life, would you instantly go to the submissive and sidestep the perhaps interested partner? Common etiquette and decency would say no, but oh so frequently I see it happening. It happens on Fetlife so often that I see many submissives/slaves/owned peoples put warnings in their profiles to contact their dominant/master/owner/etc. first before any communication is even made.

Perhaps in a rush to sexual liberation and freedom we’ve forgotten what it means to be courteous. I post pictures of myself on Twitter and Fetlife all the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore or a slut. More so, it doesn’t mean I’m YOUR whore or slut to treat and do with as you please. Would you go up to a girl in a bar and flash your cock at her? Public decency laws would have you arrested for exposure. Sure, there is a form of anonymity on the world wide web that most people take as license to do how they please, but it seems to be there is a renaissance of people who would rather have a good conversation than a good fuck.

Being dominant does not have to mean being an asshole. Being submissive does not mean having to be a doormat. Stand up for your rights and take back your title. Respect and trust is earned. Say what you want about my views, but I prefer intellectual conversation that leads to great kink than crappy kink with no trust.

Long Time, No Blog

So it’s been awhile since I’ve been here, I know. I could give you some bullshit excuse why I haven’t been around more (*cough*bar exam*cough*) but besides that doozie of an excuse, August has pretty much been the month from hell for me so far.

Stress has been majorly kicking my ass lately. Admittedly 90% of the year I do not have a very stressful job. It’s quiet and there’s not much work involved in it. I sit at a desk and answer calls. I take rent money and try to collect rent when people are delinquent in paying. That 10% of the year that is stressful though is just an absolute 100% nightmare. When everybody is moving in and out of apartments, I get constant and continual bitching from everybody on all sides. The tenants bitch when things aren’t done; maintenance bitches that we push them too hard and they don’t have time to do everything. My boss and co-worker bitches that people are too whiny (because having all the toilets in the apartment not working is whining?) Meanwhile, I answer calls and get to deal with everybody on all sides.

But all that is beside the point. I also haven’t blogged a lot because I just don’t feel I have anything interesting to say. I haven’t done anything kinky, sexy or otherwise fetish-oriented in a very long time. I think that’s what’s been getting me the most lately. I have no outlet for these thoughts and desires. Sure, I get them like normal and get them with a vengeance sometimes. I express them to someone who listens and wants to work through them with me, but he is across the country and only can do so much for me.

That brings me to my biggest stumbling point lately. I am desperately lonely. When I went on my chastity vow last October, I thought I would go a couple months tops before it “felt right” again. Maybe at the worst I’d go six months. Actually I felt that if I went six months, I would be in really good shape and would have broken my tendency to engage in the destructive behaviors that led to me taking my vow in the first place. I couldn’t have guessed last October that I’d now be going into September of 2011 still without sex or even cuddling. Sure, I’ve played once (SINSations in Leather in April) but one play session does not make for a fulfilling kink life. Ideally, it should be something more regular.

I find myself wondering more and more lately if I’m just going to be alone. It seems like there are so many people out there supporting me, telling me they would love one change to “be with” me, or anything similar. Despite all this, I come home every night from an exhausting job to an apartment filled with stuffed animals for companions. I can’t say I’ve cooked myself a full meal in weeks, if not months. Why go through the effort of cooking a full meal if it’s just going to be me eating it?

In general though, I’m feeling very uninspired. I have all these things I want to do theoretically, but I end up looking into them and not really caring. I want to feel motivated again. I’ve talked before how I would like to get into modeling of some sort and I am still very much so interested in that. Six months ago I had several photographers more than willing to shoot me and the only things standing in the way of that was scheduling and distance. Those people seem to have disappeared into the woodwork now and I’m left with a desire but no photographer.

It seems like my drive to review products is starting to wane too. Everything is alike. How can I make reviews stand out and seem interesting? There are so few products in the sphere of sex and bondage toys that I would be willing to review. I won’t compromise on quality materials and absolutely refuse to use body unsafe materials. Plus it seems like no fetish wear or bondage gear manufacturer or retailer is willing to do any kind of review system. It’s pretty frustrating to find things to review.

So what should I do? I really don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. There’s so many things I want to do. So many mountains I want to climb and adventurers to have. It’s just a matter of seeing what comes up and what I’m willing to do. I’m spreading my wings now that school is over, but so much is up in the air right now that I’m still feeling pretty lost right now. Until I have results from the bar exam, I have no idea what to do next in my life.

Sex Postive? It’s Just a Buzz Word

For the longest time I’ve seen references to and people claiming to be “sex positive.” I find many people throw this term of art around, not knowing exactly what they’re talking about by using it.

If you actually search for the definition of “sex positive” you’ll come across many meanings. It seems like nobody can agree on a cohesive definition, but that most definitions you’ll find include central idea to put sexuality in a positive light and be open to all expressions of sexuality. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it “glorifies” the sexual creature, but it usually means that a person who is highly sexual by nature is not looked down on. Sexualized people will be treated just like a non-sexualized person. That is to say, all people are equal. But from that simple statement arises many problems.

The biggest problem I have found is that some people espousing “sex positive” views are typically not positive about sexual (or non-sexual) interests that are not their own in the first place. You can’t look at a population of people and say that just because they like (fill in the blank fetish) or (fill in the blank fantasy) that they aren’t apart of the sex positive community. I watched a short interview with Nina Hartley awhile back who put it very well. She was asked if she ever had encountered a fetish and had reacted something like “OMG that’s so gross! You’re wrong and going to burn in hell!” Of course she hasn’t. Reacting that way is the irrational person’s way of reacting.

The correct and more “sex positive” view is to look if there is consent between and among the parties and then look if it’s harming those who are not participating. If there’s consent and it’s not harming others, then it’s a perfectly acceptable activity to engage in. Those are the two most important questions to ask when viewing other’s actions or interests, not if society views it as morally “wrong” or “right.” What may interest one person may not interest another.

I’ve found myself guilty of this a time or two, whether it be some type of edge fetish play or a relationship style. When I was very strongly pro-polyamory, I found myself looking down on monogamous couples in a way. “How could someone ever want just one partner?!” I was saying to myself, not realizing that I was doing exactly what was being done to me. People looked at me like I was crazy for saying I could and would love more than one person at a time. I’ve seen edge fetish play on Fetlife where my gut instinct is to be grossed out and view it as “wrong.” But then I take a step back and reassess my thinking. The people who participated consented and they were not harming others in doing whatever it was they were doing. The play just wasn’t for me. And that’s okay.

For awhile now I’ve hesitated in labeling myself as sex-positive because it comes with loads of baggage. It sets a bar that if you fall below it, you’re instantly relabeled as some type of repressive heretic. If you make one small comment that could be viewed as “sex negative” you’re shunned and seen as anti-feminism (which is a school of thought I find very sex-negative itself.) Even the most sex-positive person still has reactions and thoughts that they cannot control and that they should be able to express without fear of losing that sex-positive atmosphere.

I’m not sex-positive. I refuse to be called or labeled as such. What am I then? I’m “consent positive.” I’m “free speech-positive.” I’m “share your thoughts and don’t fear the crowds with pitchforks-positive.” If you have something to say about something you see, hear or watch in terms of sexuality, it’s my view that you should be able to express it. There are simply some fetishes I do not find attractive. At the same time though, I can understand how some people would find them attractive. That’s okay. I don’t need to be into your fetish to appreciate you as a human being. I don’t need to be into your fetish to give you the respect you deserve. And I certainly don’t need to be into your fetish to be pro-really really good sex.

Sex positivity isn’t about exclusivity; it’s about inclusion of everyone. We are human beings. We are sexual beings. That should be enough to bring us together, not some buzz word.

The Problem With Poly

I was sitting waiting for class last week when I got the text no person in a polyamorous relationship, even one as low level as a poly friendship with feelings, wants to get. The dreaded “my main relationship takes priority over you” message. I had been expecting it for a few days and while I wasn’t surprised, it still hurt.

This is not the first time I’ve been told this in one way or another. Hell, I doubt it will be the last time I receive it either. In fact, I’ve noticed that the last four poly relationships I’ve been in or around in one way or another fail. I could very easily take it personally and feel like I’ve somehow contributed to that, but I’ve decided to take a different approach to how I perceive what’s going on. I may be wrong and way off base, but I feel like even if there’s a nugget of truth in what I say, I’m obligated to point it out.

I’ve noticed several common denominators to all these failed, failing or unstable poly (and even monogamous) relationships around me. I will point them out and discuss them in turn.

1. Communication. I think when it comes right down to it, there is a lack of communication in relationships. Startling revelation, right? I know, it’s probably something that every relationship guru in the last 25 years has preached, but I really feel it’s true, especially in the context of poly relationships. When you are involved with someone else, whether that’s one person or twenty people, there needs to be very open, honest and thorough lines of communication. Everybody needs to be on the same page, whether they agree or not. When more than two people are involved in a relationship, it seems very easy for one person to swallow their feelings or what is going on in their head and eventually it just leads to a blowup or blow out. Define the goals of the relationship, define life goals, define personal goals. Say what you want out of the relationship and what can be done to accomplish all that. In the modern age of constantly being connected, it’s easy to look surface level at a situation and say that we are communicating, but take a harder look and really assess if that is the case.

A corollary to this statement is that communication should not only be done in the bad times. When things are going well, it’s easy to sit back and become complacent with progress or good times, leaving the difficult talks to when things get rough. The problem is that doing that can sometimes ignore little problems that can be easily addressed and headed off when they are small. Not discussing things when they come up, even minor ones when things are good, often times leads to those problems festering. We push them to the back of the pile and then out of the blue, what was a small problem seems to be a big problem that just came up. Constant communication between and among all partners can and does lead to better, long lasting, and more fulfilling relationships.

2. Multiple partners does not save a failing relationship. I think this is the hardest issue I’ve struggled with and only recently come to accept. These relationships I become involve with fail for a reason and by the time I come into the picture, often times the relationship is already doomed. I just get to be around for the implosion. I’ve seen this in swingers, poly people and in the monogamous context of cheating. “Oh, I’ll just bring someone in and they can fix all our problems.” Oh boy, that statement is full of loaded implications and problems. The only people that can ultimately fix a relationship are the people in it. No outside person, no matter how skilled or knowledgeable can do that. It’s a matter of committing to change and making those changes necessary. There are any number of reasons people look outside of a relationship for friendship, physical or emotional comfort or support. The one I’ve seen most often is that they are not getting from the relationship (primary or otherwise) what they need and want out of it. That can often be through no fault of any of the parties. We want people to fulfill our every desire and need, but it doesn’t always happen. We can try as hard as we want to look for those solutions, but from what I have seen if you’re not getting them from within the relationship, you’re going to go elsewhere.

3. Lack of personal accountability. I’ll be honest here. I’m guilty of this one. Quite a bit actually. It’s the whole “it’s not my fault, it’s your fault” argument that couples get into. I’ve had the opportunity to sit through a number of break up talks, whether it’s as a participant or as an observer. Often times I hear more “you”s in the conversation than I do “I”s. It’s the “you didn’t do (fill in the blank)” instead of “I lack in this regard.” Naturally when things go bad, humans do this as a defense mechanism. We overlook what we have done or haven’t done and instead look outside ourselves to find and place blame. While it is a completely natural reaction to a stressor of a relationship breaking up, it also serves to place us on opposite sides from the person with whom we have the relationship. It sets up a adversarial fight instead of a “let’s work together to solve this” situation. I wish I could say there is some easy fix to this and that simply taking more personal responsibility for the relationship will do this, it is the most difficult thing I’ve found. While this kind of reaction is common to every relationship, I find it more prevalent in poly relationships because there are simply more people to blame. Inevitably there is that one easy target that ends up having the weight of the breakup on their shoulders for being the horrible, evil person when in reality it’s probably more like a combined set of factors spread across multiple people that have contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

4. Lack of time spent on individual relationships within the poly relationship. I find this a lot and it’s something I want to address. You don’t have to spend every waking and sleeping moment as a group. It’s simple not feasible. On the opposite side of the spectrum, you should not spend all your time with a “primary” partner for lack of a better word. I’ve always had issues with certain forms of poly relationships, mainly that of the V style. Whoever is the common denominator between the two relationships feels torn and spread too thin. Ultimately it will lead to tearing of the relationship and the common person spending more time with one partner than the other. I’ve always felt the optimal relationship shape should be more like a triangle, square or circle depending on the number of partners. Everybody should be involved with everybody. Having any inequalities will just end poorly. The point I’m trying to make here is that you do need to take time away from the group relationship though to tend to your relationships with a singular person. This is where the communication needs to come in. It needs to be made clear that you’re doing this for the good of the whole relationship, not to show favoritism for one partner or that you love one partner more than the other(s). Keeping the individual components strong will keep the whole strong. Like many other things, relationships are only as strong as the weakest link. Keeping those links strong and taking time to maintain those links will keep the whole of the relationship strong and on a strong and healthy path.

This list is by no means a complete and exhaustive list of the things I often find wrong in polyamorous relationships. As I live more and experience more poly relationships myself, I’m sure that I’ll find more things that need to specifically addressed when in a poly relationship. But for right now, I really wanted to get this out there to help people who do find themselves in a failing poly relationship and hope that I’ve offered a little insight into what is wrong and what can be done to fix it. You only get out of a relationship what you put in it. There’s no easy answers when it comes to relationships and nothing easy about them in general. They are work, like anything else in life. It’s committing to that work and committing to making that relationship better that will ultimately lead to being in more fulfilling and more pleasing relationships.

I’m a Daddy’s Girl

It’s not for everyone. Some people have told me I’m really weird for liking it. Some people have told me it’s not their thing. Some people have flat out called me a freak. What would get so many people riled up in regards to something I’m interested in?

Daddy/little girl play. Yes, I am one of those women who likes to call a guy “Daddy.” We’re not just talking biological, adopted or step-parents here. I’m talking a guy who has absolutely no familial ties to me in any way. I’ve recently begun participating in #DaddySunday that @TheSinDoll started on Twitter and it’s given me the time to flesh out a bit more why I am really into this kink that certainly isn’t for everyone.

First off, I’m just going to lay it out there. I am absolutely not attracted to my biological father in any way. Not even a little bit. I don’t have any “Daddy issues” that many attribute to wanting to participate in this kink. My father and I have a great relationship. In a lot of ways, he’s my best friend I know I can always turn to when I need advice or need holding. He’ll tell me exactly what needs to be said, whether I may want to hear it or not. I’m not trying to replace him by finding Daddy/girl play interesting, but I am trying to find that same feeling I feel with him.

What’s the feeling I’m looking for? It’s a feeling of being protected, being loved unconditionally, and being cared for. It’s about wanting to please someone and make them happy. It’s about fulfilling their every wish, but at the same time looking out for myself too. “Daddy” is a person who will always support me, even if they don’t like what I’ve done or said. It’s about always having that support when I need it. It’s about someone wanting to help me grow and expand my boundaries, especially if that means pushing them. At the same time though, it’s about setting rules and if need be, punishing me for breaking those rules.

There is no single person in the world who does for me what a Daddy can do. At the same time though, I find that with each person I encounter who wants to be my “Daddy,” each brings something different to the table. For me, this means that one person may not be my only Daddy. It’s a hard thing for some people to accept, especially dominant males who typically fulfill the role of “Daddy.” Like stubborn little boys, they are often not very good at sharing. Finding a Daddy who understands that I need and want to get my Daddy fix in multiple places is extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Daddy is someone who I can crawl to if I’m crying and need to be held. He is someone who celebrates when I do well and punishes when I disobey or act out. He provides structure where my frenetic brain may not always make it. He is someone who knows what I’m okay with, what I’m comfortable with, what I’m on the fence about, what I’d rather not do and what I absolutely will not do. More importantly, he understands the differences among all those things. Things that are hard limits can be softened with time and Daddy’s love and attention though. Often times if it’s something Daddy professes to like, I may find it growing on me as time progresses.

You’ll notice that I’m using the pronoun “he” a lot when I’m talking about Daddy. While I’m perfectly okay with the gender-neutral idea of pansexuality, Daddies typically are male-oriented figures for me. Thanks to societal archetypes and my own rather structured upbringing in a male & female parent household, I’ve yet to get into the Mommy/little girl play. That’s not to say I don’t see myself at some point liking it, but for me, this kind of play is more limited to having a father figure than a mother figure. My relationship with my mother fluctuates from day to day and definitely influences my interest in Daddy play more than Mommy play. I think it would just take the right person to bring out those interested feelings in me.

Have I found “Daddy” yet? Yes and no. There are transitory Daddies for me. Some drift in and out of my life like an autumn leaf caught in the breeze. Some remain more active and some fade away rather quickly. It all depends on if they spark that interest deep down in my little girl center.

Because that’s what I am at my heart – a little girl just looking for someone to love them. Daddy just seems to know how to do that very well.


So I have something that’s been on my mind for awhile. I’ve long defined myself as polyamorous, meaning I can love more than one person at a time and be involved with more than one person at a time. It’s just something very natural for me. Why not love more than one person? The more love, the better in my mind. Ideally those people also love each other, making it a more equal relationship, but it’s not always necessary.

That being said, I’ve noticed this very strong sentiment that a submissive can have no more than one dominant at a time. There’s that old saying from the Bible:

No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” – Luke 16:13

Much like I question most every other part of the Bible, I question this as well. I guess what really started me thinking about this was MinxGrrl’s post about having more than one Daddy because each plays a different role for her. I found myself relating to that post because everything I had been conditioned up until that point told me that when you have a Daddy, you have one Daddy.

Why do we have such strict rules about that? People, regardless of their role in my life, fulfill different purposes. Each brings and contributes something different to my life. So far I have found no single person to provide everything I need for me. That may be because I’m young and I’m still searching for my “soulmate,” if you believe in that term. I believe though that it’s because there is no one person who can provide me everything I need emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually. Hell, I am a complex person and finding someone do to each as well as I need them to is beyond difficult.

I’ve talked with a lot of dominants in my time, male or female. I’ve experienced different ways of being dominant and I’ve dabbled in being dominant myself. I can definitely see both sides here. There is an inherent territoriality that comes along with natural dominance. You want what is yours. I don’t share well myself in fact. I also understand though that we all need different things, some of which I can’t or am not able to provide for someone. I have strengths, weaknesses, dislikes and likes, just like everybody else. Finding someone to match them perfectly is difficult, if not impossible.

In my time searching for a dominant, I will admit to juggling a few at a time. It seems like there are more people who call themselves “dominant” than there are actual dominants out there. Fakers and players abound. Of the population of dominants leftover after you take away all the ones who can’t actually provide what they say they can, there aren’t that many good ones leftover. The ones that are left are either taken or don’t quite fit with me, but usually I find one or two aspects of their style or what they offer to be appealing.

Each person in my life is there for a specific reason. Dominants are no different. Why is the long held rule that a submissive can have only one dominant there? My only guess is people do not want to share. I completely understand it, but at the same time I feel we may be doing a disservice to submissives by having that general rule. If someone can provide to you what your primary dominant doesn’t, why shouldn’t you consider experiencing the opportunity with that person? Limiting yourself will only limit your experiences in life. I am a person who wants to experience as much as I can in this life. If that involves having more than one dominant at a given time, then so be it.

To me, it seems there are ways to work around scheduling, tasks, goals, physical things, etc. Sure, having two dominants controlling a submissive in a given scene will probably not work. I’ve never experienced co-topping in person, but to me it seems like two natural dominants will only end up butting heads more than working together smoothly. One of the dominant personalities will ultimately have to take second fiddle and while that can flip flop during the scene, it seems to me that would make the dominants more switches than pure dominants. There’s nothing wrong with that by any means. I consider myself a switch and can see myself co-topping as long as there is that natural ebb and flow of power between the tops.

My challenge is this now – finding people who understand and agree with this. From the conversations I’ve had with dominants, this seems to be one of their least favorite things to talk about. They want to talk about them, about me, about the news, about the weather, but they don’t want to talk about the possibility that I may not get everything I need and want out of them. That I may need to search for what is lacking in other people.

It’s a hard road I’m on, being polyamorous, polyfuckerous (a term a friend of mine coined) and polydomerous. It’s one that is fraught with heartache and accusations. But it’s one I can’t see myself not being on. I am what I am and while it may grow and evolve, I don’t see this certain aspect of my personality fading for now or a long time afterward.

Reflections of 2010 and Resolutions for 2011

As 2010 comes to a close with a whimper not a roar, I’m going to take a few moments to reflect on all that has happened this year. It’s been quite a bumpy ride for me and there’s been a lot of changes.

The beginning of the year saw me rediscovering my submissive nature and yearning to be apart of that once more. I slowly found ways to incorporate it into my every day habits and found myself craving it more and more.

In January/February I joined Fetlife and started my now omni-present Twitter account that never leaves my side. Over 25,000 tweets later I’m more popular than ever and growing more every day. I’ve met lots of great people through that medium. Found opportunities I’ve never thought I would have. (Soon I’ll be posting about my newest endeavor!) I’ve had relationships, crushes, best friends and best enemies on Twitter. It really is like a microcosm of society. Fetlife has provided me the chance to be exposed to fetishes I’ve never heard of and never considered before. I love learning about what gets people going and especially love perving on people’s pictures.

In March I had my first threesome, an experience I repeated later in the year and one I hope to repeat many times again in the future. Those people have come and gone out of my life already, but I will always remember and look back fondly on that experience I was able to have.

April saw me finally giving in to an age old craving I’d had and I walked off the proverbial cliff. I finally got my vertical clit hood piercing I’ve been looking to get for many years. It was such a surreal moment walking in there and looking all fresh-faced and innocent, but asking for steel through my sensitive bits. It’s now healed finally and I love it. While it hasn’t increased sensation all that much, it is quite a visual thing and one I really enjoy having.

April was also the month my relationship with V & J took off and while our poly relationship has ended, our friendship is still there. Distance really does hurt a relationship and I learned a lot about myself and what I need and want out of a relationship from them. They are great people and I hope to have them in my life and be in theirs for many years to come. Looking back on it now, we were doomed before we even started and I should have recognized that. Being across the country from each other and both ends not being able to move was just too difficult. The craving to be there and not being able to just wasn’t working. I still hurt sometimes when I think about it, but I’ve come out of it a stronger, more capable person I hope.

June was my breakout month. I attended a sex party and was the house girl at the beginning of the month. There’s nothing like spending a night tied in rope with a butt plug in while serving drinks and offering yourself to the party guests. I met some really cool people there and had some interesting conversations. When I tell people about this party now, they’re shocked. Me? The sweet girl with wide eyes and a love of Looney Toons? Yes, me. In 2011 I’m looking to attend more wide scale events and hopefully can repeat the experience with new people in a new setting.

As school wound back up for me in August, things seemed to calm down. School was busier than I would have thought and put a huge crimp on my social life. The few times I was able to get out were great, but didn’t help. Stress pretty much killed my libido at times from August to December, almost to the point of non-existence. For days on end I wouldn’t even think of masturbating, which for me is a huge change.

In September I made my first trip to a true fetish and/or bondage club and really enjoyed myself. Let me tell you, it was truly an experience. I found myself naked in just 4 inch heels and holding onto a St. Andrews cross while I was flogged in front of a crowd of roughly 20 people. Holy heck that was mindblowing. That experience sparked something in me that is still burning bright months later. I found my urge to perform publicly growing. I fight with it every day, knowing it’s just impractical for me to do right now. Making public appearances and doing public “performances” really helped grow my desire to be more public. It inspired me to make business cards and promote myself. That is also something I look forward to doing more of in 2011.

September also saw the last time I’d have sex in 2010. September 17th to be exact. A five minute quickie from behind. Lame, I know.

October brought about the biggest revelation of 2010 and I’m beyond grateful to have had it. When a huge fissure opened between what I considered to be good friends of mine and myself, I had a choice to make. Continue on the path of bad decisions I was making and find myself fucking everything with a pulse or take a step back and reevaluate what I wanted from sex. So began my era of chastity. I didn’t make the decision lightly and with it came a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache. I’m still in the process of learning the lessons I need to before I can venture back into the world of sex with other people, but I’ve made a lot of progress since taking my vow and brought myself out of the deep, dark emotional void of a hole I was in. 

So here I am. The end of December and reflecting on times past. This year I found myself, lost myself and found myself again. I changed a lot and not always in a good way. As the year comes to a close though, I’m happy where I am now, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. New opportunities are coming my way every day it seems and the possibilities for great success in 2011 seem endless. I find myself connecting with people who inspire me, personally and professionally. My goals have changed but one has stayed the same – be the best damn undercover kinkster I can.

I don’t like making resolutions because more than likely I won’t keep them. I’m not exactly good with sticking to what I’ve said before. I think this year is different though. 2011 is poised to be a year of huge changes for me. So what is my resolution for 2011? It’s very simple – stay true to myself. That’s it. Stay true to the goals I’ve set and the things I want to accomplish. Stay true to who I am inside and the emotional well being I need. Constantly seek out new challenges, new experiences, new people, new learning opportunities. That’s what I want to do in 2011.

2010 may have been a year of ups and downs, but it’s ending positively for me. 2009 me would barely recognize who I am today. That, my friends, is a good thing.

Wanted: One Sex Drive. Reward For Its Return

I have a dirty little secret. One I’m not ashamed to admit, but one I’m very frustrated with.

I have zero sex drive. None. Flat lined. Someone bring in the paddles cause we have a code blue here. Zippo. Nada.

The last few weeks if I’ve masturbated once or twice a week that’s a lot. Hell, there was awhile there where I couldn’t even remember the last time I masturbated.

What the heck happened? Personally, I blame it on stress. As the end of the year approaches, there’s about a billion things going on for me. First and foremost I have finals. I’m not talking average, run of the mill college finals. I’m talking law school finals. Soul-crushing, mind-numbing, pain-inducing finals. Yeah, not exactly looking forward to that. I compared them to “up the butt with no lube” to a friend and I’m pretty sure the image was … uh … imaginative for her. I forgot she isn’t the same kind of kinky player I am. She giggled to me one time when her boyfriend held her down during sex. I rolled my eyes privately but encouraged her to do what felt good, regardless of what seemed “right” or “wrong.”

Another factor that I suspect is playing a large part is S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It makes you … well, sad. Having gone off my depression meds, I’m much more apt to find myself down lately, but that being said the side effects of the meds aren’t worth the down feelings I may get every now and then. That’s a whole ‘nother story in and of itself. I love the change in the weather from cool fall nights to cold winter nights, but it’s that change that does something to my moods. Makes me cranky, moody, irritable. I’m doing my best to work through it in a natural way, hoping that once we finally pick a season my moods will stabilize and maybe my sex drive will return.

And the worst part? Masturbating and orgasms makes me feel less stressed out. The lack of drive to do it is only perpetuating the cycle. No urge to masturbate because of stress means crankier means more stressed means even less urge to masturbate.

So if you’re out and about this season of sharing and caring and happen to find a lonely sex drive of a kinky girl hanging around, send it my way. I need it back please. A reward will be paid to the finder.

Fear the Pain, Fear the Pleasure

Fear. It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, but especially pondering tonight. I could tell you why I’m thinking about it especially tonight, but I’d probably end up doing something I’m especially not proud of – hurting another. It’s that thing that I am least proud of doing that I fear the most. I fear hurting another. Fear it until it consumes me.

The last few days I’ve realized though that I tend to do that a lot – hurt people. I don’t intentionally set out to do it. I don’t wake up every morning and think about who’s heart or soul I’m going to crush. It just kind of happens like that. Somehow I manage to do something, say something or even not do or say something that would otherwise prevent someone from being hurt. 

It’s almost an unconscious thing at this point that I draw people to me and ultimately hurt them somehow. I wish I could figure out what triggers it inside me or why I do it. I don’t like seeing people hurt. That I know. I end up hurt as well when I know I’ve hurt them. It pains me to see something like that I’ve caused. And yet somehow it ends up happening over and over again. I swear I don’t do it intentionally.

Another fear of mine? It’s not something I like to admit to. Actually in the grand scheme of my chastity “experiment” it makes sense. I fear that if I don’t stay on it, I’m going to fall right back into the old bad habits I had. I fear jumping back into the “dating” pool and things ending badly. I fear that when I ultimately decide to end my vow I’ll either pick the wrong person to do it with or pick someone who feels for me in a way I don’t feel for them. I don’t want to go back to being the person I used to be. I was a bad person. In a lot of respects I’m still a bad person. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result each time. That’s what I was doing before I took a step back. I was doing the same action expecting something different to happen when my intelligent brain should have known differently.

The worst thing I was doing, and to a large extent continue to do? Attaching myself to the nearest person who showed me any interest simply because I wanted to be with someone. I desperately worry I get involved with people not because of them specifically, but that I want to be with someone in general. I want the concept of being together and not the person I’m with. I’ve brought it up to people who pursue me, and they assure me I’m fine. That they can tell I want to be with them and not the general “them.” But I still worry. I’m a good actor, perhaps even too good. It’s a worry I’ve had for a long time. It’s this long standing fear of mine. That I’ll settle and end up with someone I don’t want to be with deep inside just so I’m not lonely. And here we are right back at the beginning of my little piece here. If I do that, if I settle for someone I’m not really interested in being with just so I’m not lonely, I’ll hurt this person. Hurt them so badly and hurt them when they don’t deserve it.

Fear is something that motivates you. It pushes you forward and pushes you from the dark moments of your life. It pushes you into the light from the shadows. But for me, fear just pushes me into the dark. It pushes me away from those who love me because I fear hurting them. I fear what I could do given the opportunity.

I fear things I should have more control over – my fears.

Chastity So Far? It’s a Drag … Sort Of

So here I am, over a month after taking my official vow of chastity. There’s been a lot of growth that’s happened in the last month for me. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, my methods, my mentalities and my way of living. I’ve lost some friends and gained some. I’ve changed the way I do a lot of things in life, most of them related to my sex life. 
What have I learned so far? I’m a better person that I give myself credit for. Sure I’ve done a lot of shitty things so far in life, but for the longest time I’ve brought myself down and discouraged myself from pursuing things I’ve always wanted to. In that regard, I’m the only person holding myself back from accomplishing my goals in life. I’m the one who’s put these rules and restrictions on me. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I spend too much time in my own head and question myself. It makes me tentative, hesitant and full of self doubt. I need to be more confident in myself. Move forward in life with less doubt and don’t look back as much. 
The second thing I’ve learned is that for the longest time I’ve replaced emotional intimacy with sex or other sexual interactions. This is a weird concept for me though because admittedly I’ve only been “de-virginized” since for little over two years now. Yes, I now. It’s hard to wrap your head around. Someone who is so out there with so many different sexual interests and fetishes is only recently sexually active. How did I hold it in so long? Suppression. That’s pretty much how I deal with a lot of issues in my life actually. I suppressed this sexual side of me for so long that once it finally got a taste of fresh air, well … I kind of went crazy with it. I wanted as much as I could as fast as I could. I wasn’t discerning enough with my sexual partners. I was picking people who were in it for the sex and not in it for the connection. For me, the physical activity and the emotional and intellectual connections need to be entwined when it comes to sexual activity. I can’t have one without the other. It just doesn’t work. By going after the physical activity alone, I was neglecting the other side of it. Only by stepping back and examining my methods have I learned this. I can’t separate those two things without long term damage to my mental health. 
The third thing? I can go without sex. Really! I can. As someone who doesn’t orgasm from partnered sexual activity, whether oral or any kind of penetrative sex, sex isn’t about chasing the orgasm for me. It’s about that emotional connection I was seeking. I rush through the sex so I can get to that cuddling afterglow afterwards. Someone who walks out on that is almost hurting me worse than they could imagine. Cutting myself off from most any kind of intimate contact has shown me that I can be the hardest, most chaste, solitary person and still desire human touch. It’s necessary for my mental heath. And honestly, that’s what’s wearing on me the most at this point. I’m missing that human touch in my life. I was talking to J (of V & J fame) last night and she was questioning me on my rules for this whole chastity thing. She was amazed that I set it up so strictly that I can’t even cuddle with someone “unless it feels right.” That’s my emergency out. It has to feel right. The people who I want to cuddle with are far away from me, practically in another land. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and pretend my pillows are them, and it brings tears to my eyes. The people I know that would provide me with that emotional intimacy without asking anything more from me are so far away. They would respect my vow and me wanting to be emotionally and mentally healthy before I engage in any sexual activity of any kind. 
Speaking of which, I’ve parted ways with some people who I would have considered close friends a month ago. It hurt like a bitch at the time. Like cutting off a limb. These were the people I bared my heart and body to, but now I see I was doing it in that unhealthy way. I was going after something they didn’t want. Our lives and mentalities were very different and continue to be. I don’t consider anybody’s way of life that is different than mine to be worse or better, just different. If it works for someone and doesn’t harm others, go for it. I’m not going to speak ill of any one way of life or promote any one way of life. I’ve never said my way is the best. Hell, I wouldn’t wish chastity on my worst enemy if they didn’t want it. Chastity is something that someone has to go into willingly. People think just going without any sexual activity for a long period of time is considered chastity. For me, it’s not. That’s just … a drought. Chastity involves purposefully abstaining from sexual activity for some reason. Mine is for mental health. 
But most of all? The biggest lesson I’ve learned being chaste in the last month – I can only be strong and independent so long. I’m not a dominant woman by nature. I am a submissive woman. I crave to be under someone and not the sexual sense. I don’t like having to be in charge and making all the decisions. I don’t like the full weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s really wearing on me. The release I get from a submissive act is so amazing. It’s like each time a little weight gets taken off my shoulders and someone else assumes it. Being chaste and “going it alone” so to speak has made me realize that ultimately I am not a dominant woman at the end of the day. I never really thought I was, but I thought I could have my moments at best. Doing this thing has made me realize that that’s all I really have – moments. Dominant moments where I take control and be in charge. Ultimately though, my place is that of a submissive. Every day my shoulders feel a little heavier and I feel a little sicker. Submission is like therapy for me and without that release, the feelings just build up. The toxins in my system. It’s starting to poison me in just this month of doing this. I really hope I can hold out and continue this without that submissive release. 
Ultimately though, I’m glad I’ve done this. Chastity has been good for me. It’s made me a more mentally, emotionally and intellectually healthy and stable person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve become more focused on what I need in life and what I don’t need. It’s brought me closer to people I value and who value me while taking me farther away from people who were only leading me farther off the right path in life. We all lead very different lives. The one thing that brings us together is the human experience. My experience is very special and very unique. I will never forget that and most of all, I will never forget my value.