Category Archives: monogamy

Reevaluating My Own Words

On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.

In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.

I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.

I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.

This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.

And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.

Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.

The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.

That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.

On Monogamy and Myself

Lately I’ve been realizing something rather surprising about myself. For years I thought I was the most monogamous person I knew. I craved being in a relationship. I craved the security and the companionship. The love and knowledge that there was one person focusing on me as much as I was focusing on them.

It’s taken events both started by me and started by situations beyond my control for me to realize perhaps I had that wrong. I am beginning to doubt that I am a ubiquitously monogamous person. While I’m not saying I am poly yet, I do think there is a place for that kind of exploration and enjoyment in my life.

Perhaps it’s the attention whore side of me but I like when there are multiple people vying for my attention. I like being involved (whether platonically or romantically) with multiple people. I think for the moment I am what a good friend has termed “polyfuckerous.” I like to fuck multiple people. I like having options and I like having different cocks inside me. Strange thing to say, but everybody is different. Every guy has a different method of romancing a woman.

I’m still exploring this side of me and certainly still learning about how to make it work in a practical setting where all involved don’t get hurt. Where I don’t get hurt. As a good friend told me, “protect your heart.” I’m going to have to learn to build those walls again that took me so long to get rid of. Placing people into categories and in boxes knowing how much or how little they can be to me.

Much like everything else in life, this is a learning experience. One that I think will take many years until I find the right balance of right, wrong and the fun gray in between.