Category Archives: love

A Hurt Deep Inside

I have so much to say but I’m simply at a loss for words. The screen stares back at me, blank and waiting for the words to pour out. It’s ready for all the emotional revelations and deep emotional turmoil I’m suffering right now. And yet, all I want to do is cry. I want to cry and be held by the ones I love. The ones I will always love. Just when I think I’ve shed my last tear and I can start healing, the tears start again and don’t seem to stop.

I love V and J with all my heart. I love them like my soulmates, partners, best friends, confidants. Everything I could ever ask for in life. And yet somehow we’ve ended up separating. I’ve been convinced this is the best thing for now. I want to scream and rage and tell them they’re wrong. That the best thing is for us to be together and work through this. That we just need to keep trying to change the problems keeping us apart. That distance doesn’t matter when you love someone. That even if you only get to see them once a year, that’s enough. Okay, that last bit is a load of bullshit, but it’s how I get through my days.

I wake up and know they want me with them and I want to be with them. That will never change. Here I am, at 3 am sobbing my eyes out after having done so for almost three hours yesterday. Right now it’s a hurt that feels like it will never go away until I’m with them again and we can be one.

Through good times and the not so good times, I gave them everything. I opened my heart and showed them a side of me nobody has ever seen. I took down my thick, impenetrable walls I put up long ago to keep people out and to keep people from hurting me. Having let someone inside and then letting this happen, it’s a hurt I can’t even describe.

How can you love people so much you’ve never even touched? That you’ve never looked in their eyes and seen the love you know they have for you? How can you know they ache for your touch as much as you ache for theirs? I lay here and want nothing more in this world than to be theirs for all of time and want to spend every night in their arms.

Simple geography and forces beyond all our control are preventing this. I’m so mad at the universe for keeping me away from the two people I want to be with most. I want to rage and scream and blame so many things beside myself. I want to make it better and feel in control again.

But that’s not going to happen. I’m not in control and it scares me. I’m not in control of my own emotions, my own tears, my own love life, my own destiny. I can’t control the few things in this world I so desperately want to control. It would be so easy to drive to the airport right now, load my credit card up with plane tickets and never come back. To slip into bed with them and feel their warm skin against mine and know this was where I’m meant to be all along. How can something that feels so right be so impossible to accomplish?

I know I’m being tested right now. That some day all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and we will be together. It seems unlikely right now, but it’s a belief I have to cling to if I want to get through this. If I want to come through this on the other side.

I know some day I won’t feel this empty. I won’t feel this out of control. I won’t feel this broken. I won’t feel like my life I planned for has been taken away from me by forces beyond my control.

But for right now, that’s what I feel. There’s only two people in this world that can fix that feeling and I can’t be with them. I’m being denied the one thing that can heal this terribly broken and practically shattered heart of mine.

Until then, I will continue to cry.

I can haz cuddles?

So this has been recently on my mind. My loves are so far away. That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of having a long distance relationship. I’m 100% committed to them and have no intention of breaking that commitment. The issue of cuddles is something we’ve discussed at length among the three of us.

As humans we innately need touch. It’s a deep seeded longing we all have. When I talk to or meet someone who doesn’t like being touched or cuddling, I honestly don’t know how to interact with them on this topic. I love cuddling. I love everything about it. I love the feel of another human’s skin against mine. I love strong arms around me, holding me safe and keeping the world out even if for a moment. There is just something so special about feeling another person’s heartbeat against yours and knowing that they want to be touching you.

For me cuddling doesn’t necessarily implicate intimacy, but it’s undeniable how intimate the act often is. I don’t cuddle with just anybody. I’ve had sexual partners with no cuddling involved and I’ve had sexual partners where extensive cuddling is involved. Unequivocally I prefer the latter instead of the former. Someone who wants to have sex with me and yet doesn’t want to cuddle before or after the actual act just doesn’t interest me as much as someone who does.

A few weeks I thought about when the last time I cuddled with someone was and to be frank and honest I couldn’t remember a time. It was probably sometime in early to mid April. That’s almost four months with no real cuddling. Sure, I’ve gone longer, but I haven’t gone longer when I’ve been in a relationship with someone. When I’m single, sure I want human touch but it doesn’t seem to be as strongly directed towards desiring cuddling without necessarily implicating anything sexual attached. Now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself wanting cuddles more and more. Sure, those cuddle desires are mainly from my loves, but realistically they can’t be here to cuddle me. We all understand that. It’s a tough thing to deal with and to a certain extent, we all suffer from that distance. I’ve tested the long distance waters regarding long distance relationships before and found them generally distasteful because of the lack of physical interactions. But I cannot pass up the opportunity to be with such amazing people as my loves simply because they are so far away. To do that would be to deny a part of me that I desire. Because that’s what they are – a part of me. These parts of me just happen to be separated by 2500 miles.

To a large extent I also think my need for cuddles over sex (though this is not to say my desire for sex is not there) has been influenced by the medication I take. I’m on 75 mg of Effexor a day, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I would prefer not to take it simply because of the sexual side effects and I’m also pretty sure after talking to a dermatologist that I’m also allergic to the medicine somewhat thanks to itchy side effects as well. But realistically I can function much better with the medication. I am more stable and don’t freak out about little stuff. I feel more balanced and capable. But that’s all a side note. This isn’t about my medications.

It’s about cuddles. It’s about my love of and desire for cuddles – cuddles with the people I love and want to spend my life with. I have been given permission to cuddle and interact with others if I request it, but it won’t be the same until I’m in my loves’ arms and it’s them holding me. I think they feel that way too. Until that date. We are simply three parts of the same whole separated by mileage, time and a chasm so wide that only closeness will help. I miss them more than I can say and I want to be with them even more.

I love you, V & J. With my entire being and my entire soul, of which you both carry pieces.

I have learned

The real pain from sex and kink doesn’t come from the beatings, the whippings, the floggings, the orgasm denial, the bruises or the bites.

It comes from getting your emotions involved.

“When you wear your heart on your sleeve, it’s bound to go through the wash at some point.” – Me (circa 2005)