Category Archives: lonely

One Is The Loneliest Number

My mind is not a good place to be lately. There’s been a lot of turmoil in my head lately about things in my life lately. I’ve been in probably the deepest depression I’ve experienced in my life. The past few weeks have been better and I thought I was out of it, but the last twelve hours has brought it back full force. I woke up at 2 a.m. and just laid in bed, curled in the fetal position.

I think what’s upsetting me most lately is that I am overwhelmingly lonely. I have legions of followers, friends and admirers and yet I lay in bed every night alone. Every night I long for the feel of safe, comforting, warm, welcoming arms around me and yet I have none. There’s people around the world who lust after me and yet I’m alone. Not trying to sound like an egomaniac; there literally is people around the world that I know of.

Ever since my relationship with V and J broke up I’ve had this empty feeling in my heart. They’ve moved on and hell, I thought I had too. But the more I think about it the more I realize I miss them. I miss the feelings I got from them, the support, the love, the unconditional love. I miss the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being attached to someone. I always thought I was the kind of woman who didn’t have to have a man (or woman) in my life. That I wouldn’t be defined by who I was dating or who I wasn’t dating. But since really getting involved with people, really planning my life with someone, I’ve found living without that kind of attachment is really hard for me. Maybe I’m a serial dater. That I swing from one relationship to the next so quickly without any down time. I honestly don’t know.

I find myself seeking out attention and needing to have someone’s approval. This is the submissive part of me. I need someone there to tell me I’m being a good girl and I’m making them happy. When I don’t have that, I feel lost. Like I have no goal and no one to tell me what I’m doing right or wrong. I know I should internally know these things. That I should have this internal sense of accomplishment. Since getting in touch with my submissive side, I’ve found that this internal voice has gotten much quieter. I seek and crave an external voice telling me these things.

I have so many things I want to say and so many things I want to excise from my head. This, writing these things down, is a form of therapy for me. it cleanses me. Ever since I was a little child, my preferred way of dealing with problems or things too emotional or difficult to deal with was repression. It simply wasn’t happening. So far it’s worked out for me in life, but lately it’s not working so well. These things I’ve long since repressed are coming to the surface and causing problems for me.

This deep sense of loneliness weaves through everything I do and crawls into my very soul. I wake up alone in bed and want someone there. Even if they’re not there, I want someone only a call away. I need it, not just want it. By now I need it to be sane. I wish I could explain to you how many times I’ve laid in bed at night and cried into my pillow with how lonely I am. How many times I’ve had to convince myself that I’m okay and I can do this thing called life when I clearly am having problems.

I’m not this unbreakable, immovable force of nature. I’m not made of steel. I’m a little girl in a grown up body. I’m in need of cuddles more than sex. In need of being held and having my hair stroked. Whispered words of love and desire. How beautiful I am, how they want me and need me in their life. It’s not easy to pretend to be a grown up when inside I don’t feel like one.

Long ago I decided I would walk this life alone. That nobody was out there for me and I had to go it alone. Every day that passes where I don’t find someone who completes me just reinforces that in my head. It’s a sad but true belief I go through life with. This tiny piece of me holds out hope that there’s someone out there who will want me just as much as I want them. It’s the part I cling to to keep me sane. Sanity – the thing I feel slipping away more and more everyday.

These demons in my head. They won’t go away. They won’t quiet. They whisper in my ear and tell me I’m unloveable, unwantable, undesirable. They refuse to go away and take the loneliness with them. I’m not unbreakable. The cracks are starting to show.

Romantic Love vs. Kinky Play

I have a hard time dealing with this dichotomy. What blend of romantic love and kinkiness do I want in my life?

I’ve known from an early age that my relationships can’t survive on vanilla alone. I have these urges and desires deep inside of me. They gnaw away at my thoughts and consume me from time to time. My pleasures swing like a pendulum to and fro between wanting to be held down and fucked senseless to cuddled and made love to. The distinction between leather and lace for me.

I walk the line between two worlds, neither of which I feel entirely comfortable in. The vanilla world lacks excitement for me. Guys who bristle at the idea of using a toy in the bedroom much less holding a woman down while he’s doing it. At the same time the men who are so dominant as to not want to cuddle with me don’t appeal to me either. I like being held close, made to feel like I’m wanted, safe and protected. Guys who say they don’t cuddle lose some kind of luster when they say that.

Whenever I start talking to a potential interest lately, I can’t help but feel like they don’t see me for me. They don’t see beyond the body or the fantasies. I am more than a set of holes for your use. Sure, they are there for you to use as you please, but there is also something more to me than just that. My heart is what is really important. My heart and my brain.

For a man to truly own me and control me, he has to have my heart. He needs to make me want to submit. That I love him so much that my submission is my ultimate gift for him, a gift that he should treasure and hold sacred.

Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I want it all. Perhaps I am too naive in the ways of the world at my age. Perhaps I have not experienced enough to know you can’t always get what you want.

Honestly I don’t know ultimately if I will find what I am looking for. I hold out hope that there is someone out there for me, searching, wishing and waiting just like I am for a woman just like me. That we share the same lonely nights and need for more than what we currently have. Because without the hope that someone is perfect for me and me for him, I don’t have much of anything left.

Kink is great fun and gets me wet. But at the end of the day, it is ultimately the love of a deep and meaningful relationship I crave.

The bruises are just a bonus.

So I just … I don’t know. I’m feeling horribly blah lately. I’m having trouble finding motivation to do anything. Nothing excites me. I miss people I shouldn’t. Things don’t feel the same as they did six months ago. Realistically I know my life is bound to change throughout time, but I’m just kind of in one of those moods where I want things to be how they use to be. From what time I’m not exactly sure. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I’ve lost my spark for most everything in my life. It’s bumming me out.

I feel like people are ignoring me. Not in a conscious way perhaps, but nonetheless ignoring me. Everybody is so damn busy and they have legitimate things that they are doing that don’t include me. Maybe I’m just so egocentric that I want everybody to pay attention to me. It’s a horrible thing to admit to – being self-centered. But I think in a way I am very self-centered. I think it’s part of my exhibitionism. Well, that and probably growing up as pretty much an only child. I was so used to having all the attention on me that I don’t handle it well when I don’t get attention now. I just feel like I’m blending into the wall and I’m trying my best to stand out and get people to pay attention me for nothing to come out of it. All I feel is that I’m pestering people now when I ask them to do stuff, talk or hangout, etc. I hate feeling like I’m pestering people too. Maybe I need some new friends, people who are more apt to be available. I guess that’s just the point we are all at in our lives. We’re all leading very busy lives and it’s hard to stay in touch the way I might like to stay in touch.
I struggle with being lonely so much. It’s a daily battle for me not to be lonely. In a lot of ways it is very contradictory to being independent and wanting my space, but I’m a very clingly and needy person. Terrible personality traits in most people unfortunately.
Sigh. Maybe I need to pick up a new hobby. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I need to just get the fuck over it and stop being emo.