Category Archives: life

The Problem With Poly

I was sitting waiting for class last week when I got the text no person in a polyamorous relationship, even one as low level as a poly friendship with feelings, wants to get. The dreaded “my main relationship takes priority over you” message. I had been expecting it for a few days and while I wasn’t surprised, it still hurt.

This is not the first time I’ve been told this in one way or another. Hell, I doubt it will be the last time I receive it either. In fact, I’ve noticed that the last four poly relationships I’ve been in or around in one way or another fail. I could very easily take it personally and feel like I’ve somehow contributed to that, but I’ve decided to take a different approach to how I perceive what’s going on. I may be wrong and way off base, but I feel like even if there’s a nugget of truth in what I say, I’m obligated to point it out.

I’ve noticed several common denominators to all these failed, failing or unstable poly (and even monogamous) relationships around me. I will point them out and discuss them in turn.

1. Communication. I think when it comes right down to it, there is a lack of communication in relationships. Startling revelation, right? I know, it’s probably something that every relationship guru in the last 25 years has preached, but I really feel it’s true, especially in the context of poly relationships. When you are involved with someone else, whether that’s one person or twenty people, there needs to be very open, honest and thorough lines of communication. Everybody needs to be on the same page, whether they agree or not. When more than two people are involved in a relationship, it seems very easy for one person to swallow their feelings or what is going on in their head and eventually it just leads to a blowup or blow out. Define the goals of the relationship, define life goals, define personal goals. Say what you want out of the relationship and what can be done to accomplish all that. In the modern age of constantly being connected, it’s easy to look surface level at a situation and say that we are communicating, but take a harder look and really assess if that is the case.

A corollary to this statement is that communication should not only be done in the bad times. When things are going well, it’s easy to sit back and become complacent with progress or good times, leaving the difficult talks to when things get rough. The problem is that doing that can sometimes ignore little problems that can be easily addressed and headed off when they are small. Not discussing things when they come up, even minor ones when things are good, often times leads to those problems festering. We push them to the back of the pile and then out of the blue, what was a small problem seems to be a big problem that just came up. Constant communication between and among all partners can and does lead to better, long lasting, and more fulfilling relationships.

2. Multiple partners does not save a failing relationship. I think this is the hardest issue I’ve struggled with and only recently come to accept. These relationships I become involve with fail for a reason and by the time I come into the picture, often times the relationship is already doomed. I just get to be around for the implosion. I’ve seen this in swingers, poly people and in the monogamous context of cheating. “Oh, I’ll just bring someone in and they can fix all our problems.” Oh boy, that statement is full of loaded implications and problems. The only people that can ultimately fix a relationship are the people in it. No outside person, no matter how skilled or knowledgeable can do that. It’s a matter of committing to change and making those changes necessary. There are any number of reasons people look outside of a relationship for friendship, physical or emotional comfort or support. The one I’ve seen most often is that they are not getting from the relationship (primary or otherwise) what they need and want out of it. That can often be through no fault of any of the parties. We want people to fulfill our every desire and need, but it doesn’t always happen. We can try as hard as we want to look for those solutions, but from what I have seen if you’re not getting them from within the relationship, you’re going to go elsewhere.

3. Lack of personal accountability. I’ll be honest here. I’m guilty of this one. Quite a bit actually. It’s the whole “it’s not my fault, it’s your fault” argument that couples get into. I’ve had the opportunity to sit through a number of break up talks, whether it’s as a participant or as an observer. Often times I hear more “you”s in the conversation than I do “I”s. It’s the “you didn’t do (fill in the blank)” instead of “I lack in this regard.” Naturally when things go bad, humans do this as a defense mechanism. We overlook what we have done or haven’t done and instead look outside ourselves to find and place blame. While it is a completely natural reaction to a stressor of a relationship breaking up, it also serves to place us on opposite sides from the person with whom we have the relationship. It sets up a adversarial fight instead of a “let’s work together to solve this” situation. I wish I could say there is some easy fix to this and that simply taking more personal responsibility for the relationship will do this, it is the most difficult thing I’ve found. While this kind of reaction is common to every relationship, I find it more prevalent in poly relationships because there are simply more people to blame. Inevitably there is that one easy target that ends up having the weight of the breakup on their shoulders for being the horrible, evil person when in reality it’s probably more like a combined set of factors spread across multiple people that have contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

4. Lack of time spent on individual relationships within the poly relationship. I find this a lot and it’s something I want to address. You don’t have to spend every waking and sleeping moment as a group. It’s simple not feasible. On the opposite side of the spectrum, you should not spend all your time with a “primary” partner for lack of a better word. I’ve always had issues with certain forms of poly relationships, mainly that of the V style. Whoever is the common denominator between the two relationships feels torn and spread too thin. Ultimately it will lead to tearing of the relationship and the common person spending more time with one partner than the other. I’ve always felt the optimal relationship shape should be more like a triangle, square or circle depending on the number of partners. Everybody should be involved with everybody. Having any inequalities will just end poorly. The point I’m trying to make here is that you do need to take time away from the group relationship though to tend to your relationships with a singular person. This is where the communication needs to come in. It needs to be made clear that you’re doing this for the good of the whole relationship, not to show favoritism for one partner or that you love one partner more than the other(s). Keeping the individual components strong will keep the whole strong. Like many other things, relationships are only as strong as the weakest link. Keeping those links strong and taking time to maintain those links will keep the whole of the relationship strong and on a strong and healthy path.

This list is by no means a complete and exhaustive list of the things I often find wrong in polyamorous relationships. As I live more and experience more poly relationships myself, I’m sure that I’ll find more things that need to specifically addressed when in a poly relationship. But for right now, I really wanted to get this out there to help people who do find themselves in a failing poly relationship and hope that I’ve offered a little insight into what is wrong and what can be done to fix it. You only get out of a relationship what you put in it. There’s no easy answers when it comes to relationships and nothing easy about them in general. They are work, like anything else in life. It’s committing to that work and committing to making that relationship better that will ultimately lead to being in more fulfilling and more pleasing relationships.

Rope, Nipples, and Leather Oh My! My Weekend at SINSations in Leather

Here it is, the long awaited epic recap of my weekend at SINSations in Leather 2011 held in Chicago. I’ve posted before how I was going to this, and my Twitter feed had been pretty much nothing but excited mentions of it for weeks ahead of time. I’ve never been to any kind of large scale kink event and while I had been told what to expect, something like this is just one of those things you have to experience it first hand to really know what it’s like.

For the longest time I’d been expecting to go by myself and meet up with friends there. Maybe meet new people, see what was there and play a little or a lot depending on my comfort level. I had mentioned I was going to one of my friends who was looking to get out of her bad relationship and looking to explore more of her burgeoning kinky side. Eva is someone I’ve known for almost three years now through school and I absolutely love and trust her. She was interested in going and after a few weeks of fence sitting and wavering, I managed to convince her to go and got her all registered. Her newfound enthusiasm was so cute. We’ve all been there in the complete newbie phase. “I have some collars if you want to wear them!” I giggled at her repeated cute texts and Google chat messages and reminded her that I’ve been in this lifestyle far longer than her and that combined with my extensive toy reviewing meant I had my fair share of gear to take with if I wanted to.

I planned my outfits for weeks ahead of time, quite literally. Finding and selecting the perfect pieces that would match everything and give me the look I was going for. I wanted cute and sexy, but not super slutty. The difficult thing is that when you’re outside of your hotel room or the actual roped off convention area, attendees have to be completely covered and all fetishwear must be not visible. You can push it depending on what’s in fashion (corsets for example), but rope harnesses, nudity, excessive bare skin, etc is strongly discouraged if not completely outlawed. This is an event held at a reputable hotel and to our great surprise when we arrived, there was a cheerleading/dance convention or competition also going on there the same weekend. Great plan, hotel people. Book a fetish convention at the same time as a dance convention with lots of judgmental mothers and little girls. Oh well, we made the best of it. The one upside is that at a certain point in the evening, all the underage kids and their parents went to bed and you could walk around with slightly less attention directed at you.

When Eva and I arrived on Friday, we checked into the hotel and threw our stuff in the room. We worked on our make up a little and I put on my ubiquitous super long curly wig. I had almost forgot my fake hair back at my apartment when packing my stuff and that would have been a fail of epic proportions if that had happened. I had a lot of my outfits planned and based around my very long hair. Little girl with big hair? Hot! After we got ourselves gussied up, we went down and registered ourselves at the conference. Ahhhh, I forgot what it’s like to be around people you can make a dirty joke to and they don’t look at you like you’re some sex offender. That’s one of the downsides of being in rather conservative town and social community.

My Friday night outfit

We chilled out and talked with some people after registering and Eva got her first taste of true BDSM people. “Do they all stand that close to you?” I explained there’s not so much a concept of personal space especially after you’ve been up in someone’s junk or seen them completely naked tied up and beaten. Friday night’s opening ceremonies were quickly approaching, so we scooted up to our room and changed from our street clothing to our more “adventurous” clothing. She wore a short skort and top that tied between her breasts and I wore a pink and black corset, leather shorts, fishnets and heels.
I later added a large feather headpiece I had made and the gloves for a full burlesque/saloon girl feel. Needless to say I got quite a bit of attention in that outfit and I really enjoyed showing it off.

Opening ceremonies were nice and while they were long somewhat, it was interesting to hear everybody speak and hear what they had to say. I like people getting named at the beginning so I can put a name to a face throughout an event. As soon as opening ceremonies were over, the play time began. That’s when I ran back up to the hotel room and grabbed my accessories I forgot. We made our way back down and hung out with some people for awhile. I showed off the toys that Crystal Delights Toys graciously supplied to me to show off for the weekend. Everybody was unbelievably impressed and in love with all that is Pyrex and Swarovski toys, as they should be! (Side note: if you don’t have a Crystal Delights toy yet, what are you waiting for?!) Eva and I managed to find ourself in a very interesting conversation about prudery versus sex negativity in our society.

Friday night playtime was rather subdued and neither Eva and I were really looking to play that night. I would have entertained an offer, but we more sat back and watched. We watched some interesting rope suspensions and other scenes around us and talked with some very interesting people. I could tell Eva was still testing her feet in the water of BDSM play and I wasn’t about to go off and abandon her to get myself all  beaten up or worked over when she was still uncertain about things. We watched some suspension attempts by my friends and then ventured off to test out a violet wand that Eva was really interested in. She enjoyed it, but has sensitive skin and didn’t do much of it. I liked the sensation on my arm, but couldn’t do much else without further consultation because of my stainless steel piercings. Friday night wound down around 1am and we scooted off to bed with the promise of more to come on Saturday.

Sailor’s Knot bracelet

Saturday morning came sooner than I think everybody would have liked but our 9am class about wearable shibari (rope decorations and rope play) by the lovely Ms. Cherries Jubalie was an excellent class. Rope is generally not my thing thanks to a very impatient personality, but I’m learning to like it after this weekend. I can definitely see the appeal and the day to day stuff is something I am drawn to. The idea that having something close to your body throughout your day to remind you of your partner or your lifestyle is very appealing. I’m someone who has to dress and look very conservative on a daily basis and if I didn’t have something like my piercings to remind me of my kinky nature, I’m not sure I could handle a lot of the daily stresses of my life. She suggested something even as simple as a sailor’s knot bracelet like I’m showing here at right could be a connection to your “other” life. I have one of these and hadn’t even thought about it. I’ll be wearing it more often now that I’ve connected those two things in my mind!

Our next class was Bondage 201 (mainly with rope) by a personal friend of mine Leon MonkeyFetish and there’s little more I can say about it than Eva turned to me with this glint in her eye and said “I think I like rope.” We’ve created a monster! Between being tied and tying, it was very enjoyable and definitely educational. I had to run out a few times to answer my phone so I missed some things, but I encourage anybody interested in rope play even a little bit to check out his site because there are many many step by step tutorials on how to do some basic to advanced rope work that I doubt I’d ever be able to master thanks to an inability to tie anything more complicated than my shoelaces.

We had lunch with friends and where there’s kinky people in large groups, there will be exciting and stimulating conversations to be had. Eva and I decided to go to Jack Rinella‘s class about building long term relationships, which proved to be very interesting and educational. As someone who would like to eventually be in long term relationships with some bite to them, we wanted to learn what made them work and what would eventually tear them down. While it was obviously directed toward a BDSM-involved crowd, there was some very valid points that can be applied to most any relationship. From what I got out of it, it’s basically centered around the idea that people in relationships need to communicate, continually assess and reassess where they are and where they want to be in their relationship, and understand that people grow over time. Where a relationship starts is not where it may end up in the long run. It makes perfect sense when you think about it objectively, but when you’re in the situation yourself you may not be able to think so objectively.

Eva and I took a break after that session and hung out with Cherry and Leon for awhile. Sometimes the best connections are made when you’re just having down time and connecting that way. Friends are not made in the heat of the moment, but instead when it’s slow and dull. I can’t say that erotic falconry is all that dull, but we had a good time laughing about it and going through the pictures. It’s something Eva and I discovered a few years ago and is now a running joke with us. Dan and Dawn joined us for awhile and there were Ferrero Rocher chocolates to be had thanks to them. Mmmmmm tasty! After awhile the four of us (Leon, Cherry, Eva and myself) decided to leave the hotel to get dinner. Tasty Mexican food was had by all.

My Schoolgirl Outfit

All weekend we were building to Saturday night’s playtime and I had received a promise to get my bum beat on by Leon. I was super excited at the possibility of it because as we know I haven’t done any play since September. My no-play, no-cuddle, no-sex chastity vow has come to a natural end and I was ready and willing to put myself out there for good BDSM play. Eva was excited about the possibility of some rope play now that she’d warmed up to the scene and the people there. We all hung out in Eva and my hotel room for awhile before changing into our Friday night wear. I put on my schoolgirl outfit, which has been known to reduce most anybody to a drooling mess. Eva stuck with the black mini dress I had loaned her for the weekend. Down in the dungeon, the crowd was pretty thin, but it was better that way for Eva because she was not super excited about getting watched while she did her suspension. In fact, she borrowed my white top to use as a blindfold instead of having to see everybody that was mulling around or doing their own thing. Yes, that means I sat there and watched in just my skirt.

Leon worked on her suspension and Cherry and I watched. While I’m not the best person to explain the physics or the details of it, the best description of it is that Eva was suspended face up like she was laying in a hammock. She looked super comfortable and she said it was super comfortable. It even popped a disk in her back she has difficulty popping and was like a free trip to the chiropractor for her! After about five minutes total she was let down from her suspension and it was my turn. Whereas Eva didn’t want any impact play, that’s mainly what I wanted. We sat there for awhile trying to figure out what to do, ultimately decided I’d have my arms bound behind me and a rope harness tied so that I could be held upright and not run away while I was getting worked over. While I have had a rope breast harness before, I haven’t had my arms restrained by rope or been tied to a stable point before.

Now here comes the fuzzy part for me. I wish I could explain everything in minute detail, but once the fists start flying and my ass gets hit, my mind goes into a special place and I don’t pay attention to the details as much. There was biting and ultimately I ended up with something like seven bite marks all over my body, mostly on my thighs, ass, and back. I was hit with a pineapple knot, or what I would better call a “rope wrecking ball.” I got lowered to my knees with my forehead pressed to the floor and my ass received a lot more attention from his hands and ultimately his feet. Yes, I got kicked … a lot. Mmm it was delicious. Leon is OCD like me so once he bit one side of my back he had to do the other side as well. I have matching bite marks on the small of my back on either side. I quite like them but they make for interesting sensations.

I think what was most interesting for me is that while I didn’t use my safeword even through the worst of the pain, I started to cry. I’ve cried a few times while getting beat, but it’s not something I do every time. I’ve been dealing with a lot of crap in my head lately, and I’ve been questioning myself and my intentions in the BDSM lifestyle. I’ve often said that for me beatings are a catharsis and this turned out to be no different. It allowed me to get out of my head for a few minutes and focus on the sensations and what was happening to my body. Before long I was downright sobbing and I think I freaked out Leon when I started to cry so hard. I had to reassure him it was okay and that I was doing alright. That it was a good thing I was crying and that it was making me feel better. I was worried that Eva would get too freaked out by me crying, but by this point she wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening to me because she was processing her drop. I don’t blame her. I’ve been there.

The rope marks on my thighs after

The beating finally subsided and I got to wipe my tears away. I felt so cleansed and bare. It was really a great feeling. We hadn’t discussed doing it before, but then I asked if I could be suspended like Eva since she had loved it so much. It’s an experience I’ve been wanting to try and this was the perfect opportunity. We thought about the best way to do it given my body and given the fact that I tend to have low or poor circulation in my limbs. Ultimately I got rigged up with another chest rope harness and was suspended face down with rope around my chest, thighs and ankles. There was a lot of pressure on my ribs and sternum so some adjusting needed to be done, easily done when you have someone experienced like Leon. Once I finally got off the ground it was this amazing feeling of flying. He laid down on the floor and I spun around for awhile while he watched me. It was a lot of fun, but like all things, I had to finally come down and the ropes came off. Yes, there were some pretty amazing rope indentations on my skin.

Eva was getting a pretty amazing looking foot rub and I was processing my own drop at this point. I wandered around for a bit and when I got back she was sleepy and I could tell her adrenaline levels were crashing, a cue that her sub drop was hitting full scale. She went on up to our hotel room and I watched Leon work with Cherry on a suspension too. Three suspensions in a night! I was really enjoying it but like Eva, my energy levels were plummeting now too. By then it was close to 1am and I was wanting sleep in the baddest way possible. I had to run down to the lobby after I took off all my make up and hair and one of the most touching moments of all weekend was riding the elevator back up with the event photographer. All weekend he’s seen me in full make up and fake hair. I wasn’t even sure he recognized me but indeed he did. On Sunday he saw me again in full makeup and hair and told me, “You look beautiful without the wig too.” It seriously put a huge smile on my face.

“Have you pet the kitty today?” shirt

Sunday morning rolled around and dragging my now bruised and sore body out of bed was a serious challenge. There was some groaning and protests but I had to get out eventually. The shower felt so good, but it was really hard to do much movement given how sore my ass was. there were some seriously great looking bruises beginning to form. One thing about me is that I really love being marked after a beating and I take pride in meticulously documenting my markings on an almost 6 hour incremental basis. My Sunday outfit was a little toned down from my previous outfits. I wore a tank top I got in Vegas that said “Have you pet the kitty yet today?” with my black satin waist cincher over it and the same pair of leather shorts. I had several people comment how cute and tiny I looked. I guess losing 15 pounds since November and wearing a tightly laced corset will do that to you. Sunday’s only class that we could go to was Leon’s Rope Finishing and Care class and while I had to run out a few times to answer my phone, Eva said it was a great class and I have a little segment of hemp rope to finger now. A reminder of the weekend so to speak.

My new high heels! LOVE! 

We did a little shopping in the vendor area and I convinced myself into getting a new pair of heels (self proclaimed shoe whore!) at an amazing deal. Given I find so few shoes in general and definitely heels that fit me, I try not to pass up a size 5 or smaller heel when I can find them. I don’t often have someone who puts the heels on my feet when I try stuff on and that was a different sensation, but I won’t say I didn’t enjoy it. At least I didn’t kick the guy in the face like the last person to give me a pedicure!

Unfortunately it was time for Eva and I to go and it was getting late in the day on Sunday. Being students means we had prior commitments to schoolwork we needed to complete on Sunday, despite wanting to stay. If I could have I would have stayed there for another few hours with people. We packed up our stuff and changed back into ‘normal’ clothes and were on our way back to our tiny little student apartments.

So did I have a good time at SINSations in Leather? Yes! I loved my time there and I got to meet a lot of really great people. Sometimes being in law school is very confining and isolating. It’s especially isolating when nobody I know is interested in BDSM enough to let me talk freely about this stuff. Thankfully now I have Eva to share these experiences with and talk to. I’m hoping to help her on her own journey into the lifestyle, no matter how far into it she gets. We were all newbies at one point, young and naive. I think what I most took from the weekend was a reinforcement of what I feel is my purpose in this life. I feel like I’m here in this particular life to make a positive influence in people’s lives. If I can put a smile on one person’s face every day and know that I’ve made their day or their life better, than my day has been a positive one.

Would I go back to another event? Most certainly yes! I would love to go to future events and drag Eva along with me given the timing and financials are in right place. I’m looking into stuff starting after my bar exam in late July and hoping that I can make this a regular thing.

For me SINSations in Leather was an eye opening and enriching experience. I have the marks to prove it. I got the catharsis I was seeking for a very long time and I feel lighter and cleaner because of it. I met a lot of really good people and have some opportunities now that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t gone. And the best part? A new pair of really great high heels!

I’m a Daddy’s Girl

It’s not for everyone. Some people have told me I’m really weird for liking it. Some people have told me it’s not their thing. Some people have flat out called me a freak. What would get so many people riled up in regards to something I’m interested in?

Daddy/little girl play. Yes, I am one of those women who likes to call a guy “Daddy.” We’re not just talking biological, adopted or step-parents here. I’m talking a guy who has absolutely no familial ties to me in any way. I’ve recently begun participating in #DaddySunday that @TheSinDoll started on Twitter and it’s given me the time to flesh out a bit more why I am really into this kink that certainly isn’t for everyone.

First off, I’m just going to lay it out there. I am absolutely not attracted to my biological father in any way. Not even a little bit. I don’t have any “Daddy issues” that many attribute to wanting to participate in this kink. My father and I have a great relationship. In a lot of ways, he’s my best friend I know I can always turn to when I need advice or need holding. He’ll tell me exactly what needs to be said, whether I may want to hear it or not. I’m not trying to replace him by finding Daddy/girl play interesting, but I am trying to find that same feeling I feel with him.

What’s the feeling I’m looking for? It’s a feeling of being protected, being loved unconditionally, and being cared for. It’s about wanting to please someone and make them happy. It’s about fulfilling their every wish, but at the same time looking out for myself too. “Daddy” is a person who will always support me, even if they don’t like what I’ve done or said. It’s about always having that support when I need it. It’s about someone wanting to help me grow and expand my boundaries, especially if that means pushing them. At the same time though, it’s about setting rules and if need be, punishing me for breaking those rules.

There is no single person in the world who does for me what a Daddy can do. At the same time though, I find that with each person I encounter who wants to be my “Daddy,” each brings something different to the table. For me, this means that one person may not be my only Daddy. It’s a hard thing for some people to accept, especially dominant males who typically fulfill the role of “Daddy.” Like stubborn little boys, they are often not very good at sharing. Finding a Daddy who understands that I need and want to get my Daddy fix in multiple places is extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Daddy is someone who I can crawl to if I’m crying and need to be held. He is someone who celebrates when I do well and punishes when I disobey or act out. He provides structure where my frenetic brain may not always make it. He is someone who knows what I’m okay with, what I’m comfortable with, what I’m on the fence about, what I’d rather not do and what I absolutely will not do. More importantly, he understands the differences among all those things. Things that are hard limits can be softened with time and Daddy’s love and attention though. Often times if it’s something Daddy professes to like, I may find it growing on me as time progresses.

You’ll notice that I’m using the pronoun “he” a lot when I’m talking about Daddy. While I’m perfectly okay with the gender-neutral idea of pansexuality, Daddies typically are male-oriented figures for me. Thanks to societal archetypes and my own rather structured upbringing in a male & female parent household, I’ve yet to get into the Mommy/little girl play. That’s not to say I don’t see myself at some point liking it, but for me, this kind of play is more limited to having a father figure than a mother figure. My relationship with my mother fluctuates from day to day and definitely influences my interest in Daddy play more than Mommy play. I think it would just take the right person to bring out those interested feelings in me.

Have I found “Daddy” yet? Yes and no. There are transitory Daddies for me. Some drift in and out of my life like an autumn leaf caught in the breeze. Some remain more active and some fade away rather quickly. It all depends on if they spark that interest deep down in my little girl center.

Because that’s what I am at my heart – a little girl just looking for someone to love them. Daddy just seems to know how to do that very well.

So What’s Shaking, Bacon?

I admit, there’s not much going on in my life. I am, most of the time, a very boring woman. I go to class, I go to work, I come home, and I relax. There’s normally not much variation in my routine thanks to a lot of factors. At the beginning of 2011, I made a promise to myself though that I would do more. Be more social. Be more kinkster. Be more just out there. Hell, I’m not going to find playmates or romantic interests if I’m locked in my apartment by 5pm and in bed by 8pm every night. Okay, well I might, but the chances are extremely unlikely.

That being said, I’ve made a conscious effort to get back into the Chicago kink scene and be more social, both with my law school friends and my kink friends. In the last few weeks I’ve made really good progress and started reconnecting with important people along with meeting new people.

Last Monday I started by putting a personal ad up on I guess you could say that I am looking to get back into the dating scene too. But you’re saying, “Isabel, what about your chastity vow/dating ban?” I think the biggest revelation I’ve had in the last few weeks is that I feel like my vow has come to it’s natural end. I’ve learned a lot about myself; I’ve learned to be happy and love myself. I’ve learned that I deserve better than what I was giving and affording myself. Most importantly, I’ve learned not to compromise on things that I consider extremely important. Maybe it’s the loneliness talking, but I would like to find someone now. Hell, I’d like to find someones. My ad mainly focused on the search in Chicago for individuals or couples I could be friends with and ultimately be involved romantically or play-wise with. So far I’ve received a ton of responses, some good and some bad. Some hilariously bad in fact. Maybe some day I’ll post some of the most hilariously bad messages I receive on Fetlife. Through all the messages and all the laughter, there have been some gems that have emerged. We’re in the first stages of getting to know each other. Mainly still talking. I have a tentative dinner/coffee date scheduled for this upcoming Sunday with someone who seems promising. We shall see. I don’t necessarily need or want to find the love of my life right now, but I think I’d like to make friends that share my views on kink. Moreover I’d like to meet some people I feel comfortable indulging in play and/or sex with without the worry that things are going to fall apart afterward. I’m definitely missing that release.

Last Tuesday I also signed up to attend SINSations in Leather, a Chicago-based kink convention and all-together good time. For the longest time I’ve been really interested in attending a convention or large gathering but for whatever reason, plans have never materialized. Usually I have conflicts with school, work or family. The biggest stumbling block has always been price as well. After being alerted to a Valentine’s weekend special I decided to finally take the plunge and sign up. I’m hoping to meet a lot of cool people, enjoy and learn at some interesting classes, and most importantly show off and partake in damn good play times. I’ve heard wild stories of these conventions and am definitely interested in coming away with some of my own. I’ll be there with bells on, so to speak. Hell, I may even bring my tweezer-style clamps with bells on the end! My suitcase will get packed with toys, gear, fetish wear and shoes. I’ll also be bringing a healthy supply of business cards to promote my blog in any way I can. If you’re interested in going, I suggest you sign up soon. Space is limited and you can be guaranteed of a good time. Plus you’ll get to see me there!

In addition to all of this, I’m also being more social with school friends. As one person said to me on Saturday night at an 80’s prom-themed party, “Holy crap! You’re socializing again! Twice! In the same week! Hell, twice in the same year!” Yeah, I know. I’m a flake when it comes to hanging out with friends who share a lot of common interests. Well, at least a lot of common school interests. I highly doubt some of these people are doing what I’m doing on the weekends. Of course you never know considering how undercover I am myself. There may be other kinksters among my classmates and I may not know it.

Overall, I’m just trying to savor the last few months I have of freedom before graduation and subsequent studying for the bar exam. There’s under 100 days until I graduate from what is my 19th year of school in a row. Do I feel under pressure to fit in everything before I leave? Yes, I do. I want to have the memories I haven’t made yet so I’m going out of my way to do all this.

So if I’m slow, absent or generally not posting a lot, you will know why. I have life to live! I have experiences to enjoy! I have kinky times to partake in. Most importantly, I want to be the best undercover kinskter I can be and I can’t be undercover if I’m always hiding in my apartment.

Hair Loss Diaries

Those who follow me on Twitter will remember my almost daily mentions of my hair and my hair loss. It’s something I’ve struggled with for about four years now, but only lately has really started affecting me emotionally as well as physically.

Let’s start from the beginning. I have always had very fine, extremely sparse hair. From a very young age, I figured out that my hair was very different than most people’s hair. We’re talking newborn baby style hair. I was always told that it would thicken up eventually, mostly by my mother who has nice, thick hair. “It’ll happen. Just give it time and stop dying it every two months.” Okay fine. So I stopped dying it for the longest time. Stopped doing pretty much everything to it except getting regular hair cuts. That’s a whole other issue. Do you know how few hair stylists truly know how to cut baby fine hair on adults? Let’s just say I’ve only met a handful and I’ve talked to a lot of them. Razor cutting the ends of baby find hair is definitely not what you want to do. It will only make it fray and look frizzy or dried out.

Pretty much every hair cut I’ve ever had in my life has been the same one with a few variations. My hair would only grow so long, perhaps shoulder length tops before it just started looking sad and fly away. Putting it up in pony tails would only get me chastised by hair stylists because doing that would break my hair. We’re talking a pony tail no thicker than the average pinky finger. I kid you not. My hair was that thin. I couldn’t use clips or barrettes in it because they simply wouldn’t stay. Not even bobby pins. To make my hair look as thick as possible I kept short, maybe an inch or two longer than my ears.

I thought it would always be that thin, but I was really wrong. It was going to get a lot worse.

Perhaps around the end of undergraduate college and graduate school is when I started noticing problems. Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the life change and maybe it was none of those things all together. My already high forehead was getting higher. My temples were receding and the crown of my head was getting much more sparse. My grandmother commented to my mother after not having seen me for awhile, “What is going on with her hair? It’s really looking thin and something is going on.” My grandmother used to be a hairdresser about 20-30 years ago, so she notices these things. Nobody had any answers for me. At that point it really wasn’t affecting me that much mentally. Or at least I wasn’t letting it affect me. I wasn’t yet “bloomed” in terms of my sexuality so I didn’t think much of my hair as playing into it.

As law school progressed, it became more and more noticeable. Almost shocking. I started trying all the standard things I could think of. Treatments. Rogaine for Women. Topix stuff you sprinkle on your hair to “fill in” the sparse spots. Absolutely nothing was working and I was just getting more and more disheartened. Finally I began wearing wigs in an attempt to both cover up the sparse spots and give myself full, nice, long hair. After all, that’s been my dream since I was a very little girl. I’ve always wanted very long hair, maybe to the middle of my back.

It was only recently that I went to my dermatologist and asked him what was going on. He looked at my scalp and did some basic tests. He looked me in the eye and said, “You have progressive female pattern hair loss. It cannot be cured and is only going to get worse. Don’t bother with treatments to regrow your hair because they won’t work. Maybe if you’d started them when you were 10 you could have slowed the loss, but it’s going to happen with or without those treatments.” To say I was devastated is an understatement. There I was, a 24 year old woman losing my hair in a similar fashion to an old man.

Since then I’ve looked into the alternatives. I’ve considered hair transplant surgery, but the problem with that is I don’t have hair in other areas to transplant to my balding areas. It’s just sparse all over. So I’ve been wearing wigs every day for awhile and that’s all well and good, but that only goes so far. At some point those come off and you’re left with the same head of hair. Plus as good as wigs are, they’re still wigs. They’re bulky and most of the time it feels like I’m wearing a thick, scratchy hat. Good quality ones are simply out of my budget right now. I have one nice human hair wig, but it’s a short bob. My dream is to have long hair. I literally covet people’s nice long hair now. I would even go as far as saying it’s one of the reasons I’m  in to women as well as men. I lust after their hair.

At this point, I need some kind of miracle. Or a benefactor. I’ve seen hair extensions that can be bonded to bare skin, but they’re absurdly expensive. I simply can’t afford $5000 for chin length hair that needs touching up every 6-8 weeks. I’m jealous of people who can afford it (or even people who put that on credit without a care in the world.)

If anybody has any ideas of what I can do or where I can go to work on my hair, please let me know. I spend so much time stressing over my hair that I think it’s making it worse. If someone would like to donate to me, please please contact me. I’m not above begging for long hair. As women, a lot of our sense of self is tied to our hair, whether we recognize it or not. I’m a sensual person who loves kink and advocates self esteem and loving yourself. But right now? My self esteem is taking a major hit thanks to this very unsettling problem.


So I have something that’s been on my mind for awhile. I’ve long defined myself as polyamorous, meaning I can love more than one person at a time and be involved with more than one person at a time. It’s just something very natural for me. Why not love more than one person? The more love, the better in my mind. Ideally those people also love each other, making it a more equal relationship, but it’s not always necessary.

That being said, I’ve noticed this very strong sentiment that a submissive can have no more than one dominant at a time. There’s that old saying from the Bible:

No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” – Luke 16:13

Much like I question most every other part of the Bible, I question this as well. I guess what really started me thinking about this was MinxGrrl’s post about having more than one Daddy because each plays a different role for her. I found myself relating to that post because everything I had been conditioned up until that point told me that when you have a Daddy, you have one Daddy.

Why do we have such strict rules about that? People, regardless of their role in my life, fulfill different purposes. Each brings and contributes something different to my life. So far I have found no single person to provide everything I need for me. That may be because I’m young and I’m still searching for my “soulmate,” if you believe in that term. I believe though that it’s because there is no one person who can provide me everything I need emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually. Hell, I am a complex person and finding someone do to each as well as I need them to is beyond difficult.

I’ve talked with a lot of dominants in my time, male or female. I’ve experienced different ways of being dominant and I’ve dabbled in being dominant myself. I can definitely see both sides here. There is an inherent territoriality that comes along with natural dominance. You want what is yours. I don’t share well myself in fact. I also understand though that we all need different things, some of which I can’t or am not able to provide for someone. I have strengths, weaknesses, dislikes and likes, just like everybody else. Finding someone to match them perfectly is difficult, if not impossible.

In my time searching for a dominant, I will admit to juggling a few at a time. It seems like there are more people who call themselves “dominant” than there are actual dominants out there. Fakers and players abound. Of the population of dominants leftover after you take away all the ones who can’t actually provide what they say they can, there aren’t that many good ones leftover. The ones that are left are either taken or don’t quite fit with me, but usually I find one or two aspects of their style or what they offer to be appealing.

Each person in my life is there for a specific reason. Dominants are no different. Why is the long held rule that a submissive can have only one dominant there? My only guess is people do not want to share. I completely understand it, but at the same time I feel we may be doing a disservice to submissives by having that general rule. If someone can provide to you what your primary dominant doesn’t, why shouldn’t you consider experiencing the opportunity with that person? Limiting yourself will only limit your experiences in life. I am a person who wants to experience as much as I can in this life. If that involves having more than one dominant at a given time, then so be it.

To me, it seems there are ways to work around scheduling, tasks, goals, physical things, etc. Sure, having two dominants controlling a submissive in a given scene will probably not work. I’ve never experienced co-topping in person, but to me it seems like two natural dominants will only end up butting heads more than working together smoothly. One of the dominant personalities will ultimately have to take second fiddle and while that can flip flop during the scene, it seems to me that would make the dominants more switches than pure dominants. There’s nothing wrong with that by any means. I consider myself a switch and can see myself co-topping as long as there is that natural ebb and flow of power between the tops.

My challenge is this now – finding people who understand and agree with this. From the conversations I’ve had with dominants, this seems to be one of their least favorite things to talk about. They want to talk about them, about me, about the news, about the weather, but they don’t want to talk about the possibility that I may not get everything I need and want out of them. That I may need to search for what is lacking in other people.

It’s a hard road I’m on, being polyamorous, polyfuckerous (a term a friend of mine coined) and polydomerous. It’s one that is fraught with heartache and accusations. But it’s one I can’t see myself not being on. I am what I am and while it may grow and evolve, I don’t see this certain aspect of my personality fading for now or a long time afterward.

Plain Jane, Boring Betty

So why haven’t I posted anything in almost three weeks? No reviews. No musings. No erotica. No anything. Because I’m bored. And I feel boring.

I either haven’t had time to do anything or haven’t had the willpower to do anything. There’s a point where you just get so bored that doing ‘work,’ even if it’s fun work that involves testing and writing reviews of sex toys just doesn’t interest you. I seem to have hit that point lately.

The month of January has been one of those months where it’s the perfect storm. Vacation time from school combined with the lack of great products for me to review and a weather pattern that makes even the hardiest people want to crawl under the covers have all conspired against me to pretty much kill my will to do anything. I’m working on some really great projects, yes, but they’re not going to be implemented for awhile. I have some things to review, but they’re so-so stuff.

And then there’s the issue of stress. I’ve talked about how stress affects me before on this blog and lately my stress levels are peaking again. I’m in my last semester of law school which means the time and pressure crunch is on. To pass classes. To apply for the bar exam. To find a job. To figure out what I’m going to do after I finish what is the last schooling of my life. I have five months left before the shit hits the fan, so to speak.

I promise to get back into this. I have stories to tell. I have products to review. I have opinions to express. I have experiences to live. But right now, I’m working through the wall of boredom and hoping that it keeps going better and better with every day.

I’ll be around if you all want to talk to me. There’s any number of ways you can find me, but the best ways are listed in the right hand column.

Wanted: One Sex Drive. Reward For Its Return

I have a dirty little secret. One I’m not ashamed to admit, but one I’m very frustrated with.

I have zero sex drive. None. Flat lined. Someone bring in the paddles cause we have a code blue here. Zippo. Nada.

The last few weeks if I’ve masturbated once or twice a week that’s a lot. Hell, there was awhile there where I couldn’t even remember the last time I masturbated.

What the heck happened? Personally, I blame it on stress. As the end of the year approaches, there’s about a billion things going on for me. First and foremost I have finals. I’m not talking average, run of the mill college finals. I’m talking law school finals. Soul-crushing, mind-numbing, pain-inducing finals. Yeah, not exactly looking forward to that. I compared them to “up the butt with no lube” to a friend and I’m pretty sure the image was … uh … imaginative for her. I forgot she isn’t the same kind of kinky player I am. She giggled to me one time when her boyfriend held her down during sex. I rolled my eyes privately but encouraged her to do what felt good, regardless of what seemed “right” or “wrong.”

Another factor that I suspect is playing a large part is S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It makes you … well, sad. Having gone off my depression meds, I’m much more apt to find myself down lately, but that being said the side effects of the meds aren’t worth the down feelings I may get every now and then. That’s a whole ‘nother story in and of itself. I love the change in the weather from cool fall nights to cold winter nights, but it’s that change that does something to my moods. Makes me cranky, moody, irritable. I’m doing my best to work through it in a natural way, hoping that once we finally pick a season my moods will stabilize and maybe my sex drive will return.

And the worst part? Masturbating and orgasms makes me feel less stressed out. The lack of drive to do it is only perpetuating the cycle. No urge to masturbate because of stress means crankier means more stressed means even less urge to masturbate.

So if you’re out and about this season of sharing and caring and happen to find a lonely sex drive of a kinky girl hanging around, send it my way. I need it back please. A reward will be paid to the finder.

Fear the Pain, Fear the Pleasure

Fear. It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, but especially pondering tonight. I could tell you why I’m thinking about it especially tonight, but I’d probably end up doing something I’m especially not proud of – hurting another. It’s that thing that I am least proud of doing that I fear the most. I fear hurting another. Fear it until it consumes me.

The last few days I’ve realized though that I tend to do that a lot – hurt people. I don’t intentionally set out to do it. I don’t wake up every morning and think about who’s heart or soul I’m going to crush. It just kind of happens like that. Somehow I manage to do something, say something or even not do or say something that would otherwise prevent someone from being hurt. 

It’s almost an unconscious thing at this point that I draw people to me and ultimately hurt them somehow. I wish I could figure out what triggers it inside me or why I do it. I don’t like seeing people hurt. That I know. I end up hurt as well when I know I’ve hurt them. It pains me to see something like that I’ve caused. And yet somehow it ends up happening over and over again. I swear I don’t do it intentionally.

Another fear of mine? It’s not something I like to admit to. Actually in the grand scheme of my chastity “experiment” it makes sense. I fear that if I don’t stay on it, I’m going to fall right back into the old bad habits I had. I fear jumping back into the “dating” pool and things ending badly. I fear that when I ultimately decide to end my vow I’ll either pick the wrong person to do it with or pick someone who feels for me in a way I don’t feel for them. I don’t want to go back to being the person I used to be. I was a bad person. In a lot of respects I’m still a bad person. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result each time. That’s what I was doing before I took a step back. I was doing the same action expecting something different to happen when my intelligent brain should have known differently.

The worst thing I was doing, and to a large extent continue to do? Attaching myself to the nearest person who showed me any interest simply because I wanted to be with someone. I desperately worry I get involved with people not because of them specifically, but that I want to be with someone in general. I want the concept of being together and not the person I’m with. I’ve brought it up to people who pursue me, and they assure me I’m fine. That they can tell I want to be with them and not the general “them.” But I still worry. I’m a good actor, perhaps even too good. It’s a worry I’ve had for a long time. It’s this long standing fear of mine. That I’ll settle and end up with someone I don’t want to be with deep inside just so I’m not lonely. And here we are right back at the beginning of my little piece here. If I do that, if I settle for someone I’m not really interested in being with just so I’m not lonely, I’ll hurt this person. Hurt them so badly and hurt them when they don’t deserve it.

Fear is something that motivates you. It pushes you forward and pushes you from the dark moments of your life. It pushes you into the light from the shadows. But for me, fear just pushes me into the dark. It pushes me away from those who love me because I fear hurting them. I fear what I could do given the opportunity.

I fear things I should have more control over – my fears.

Chastity So Far? It’s a Drag … Sort Of

So here I am, over a month after taking my official vow of chastity. There’s been a lot of growth that’s happened in the last month for me. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, my methods, my mentalities and my way of living. I’ve lost some friends and gained some. I’ve changed the way I do a lot of things in life, most of them related to my sex life. 
What have I learned so far? I’m a better person that I give myself credit for. Sure I’ve done a lot of shitty things so far in life, but for the longest time I’ve brought myself down and discouraged myself from pursuing things I’ve always wanted to. In that regard, I’m the only person holding myself back from accomplishing my goals in life. I’m the one who’s put these rules and restrictions on me. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I spend too much time in my own head and question myself. It makes me tentative, hesitant and full of self doubt. I need to be more confident in myself. Move forward in life with less doubt and don’t look back as much. 
The second thing I’ve learned is that for the longest time I’ve replaced emotional intimacy with sex or other sexual interactions. This is a weird concept for me though because admittedly I’ve only been “de-virginized” since for little over two years now. Yes, I now. It’s hard to wrap your head around. Someone who is so out there with so many different sexual interests and fetishes is only recently sexually active. How did I hold it in so long? Suppression. That’s pretty much how I deal with a lot of issues in my life actually. I suppressed this sexual side of me for so long that once it finally got a taste of fresh air, well … I kind of went crazy with it. I wanted as much as I could as fast as I could. I wasn’t discerning enough with my sexual partners. I was picking people who were in it for the sex and not in it for the connection. For me, the physical activity and the emotional and intellectual connections need to be entwined when it comes to sexual activity. I can’t have one without the other. It just doesn’t work. By going after the physical activity alone, I was neglecting the other side of it. Only by stepping back and examining my methods have I learned this. I can’t separate those two things without long term damage to my mental health. 
The third thing? I can go without sex. Really! I can. As someone who doesn’t orgasm from partnered sexual activity, whether oral or any kind of penetrative sex, sex isn’t about chasing the orgasm for me. It’s about that emotional connection I was seeking. I rush through the sex so I can get to that cuddling afterglow afterwards. Someone who walks out on that is almost hurting me worse than they could imagine. Cutting myself off from most any kind of intimate contact has shown me that I can be the hardest, most chaste, solitary person and still desire human touch. It’s necessary for my mental heath. And honestly, that’s what’s wearing on me the most at this point. I’m missing that human touch in my life. I was talking to J (of V & J fame) last night and she was questioning me on my rules for this whole chastity thing. She was amazed that I set it up so strictly that I can’t even cuddle with someone “unless it feels right.” That’s my emergency out. It has to feel right. The people who I want to cuddle with are far away from me, practically in another land. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and pretend my pillows are them, and it brings tears to my eyes. The people I know that would provide me with that emotional intimacy without asking anything more from me are so far away. They would respect my vow and me wanting to be emotionally and mentally healthy before I engage in any sexual activity of any kind. 
Speaking of which, I’ve parted ways with some people who I would have considered close friends a month ago. It hurt like a bitch at the time. Like cutting off a limb. These were the people I bared my heart and body to, but now I see I was doing it in that unhealthy way. I was going after something they didn’t want. Our lives and mentalities were very different and continue to be. I don’t consider anybody’s way of life that is different than mine to be worse or better, just different. If it works for someone and doesn’t harm others, go for it. I’m not going to speak ill of any one way of life or promote any one way of life. I’ve never said my way is the best. Hell, I wouldn’t wish chastity on my worst enemy if they didn’t want it. Chastity is something that someone has to go into willingly. People think just going without any sexual activity for a long period of time is considered chastity. For me, it’s not. That’s just … a drought. Chastity involves purposefully abstaining from sexual activity for some reason. Mine is for mental health. 
But most of all? The biggest lesson I’ve learned being chaste in the last month – I can only be strong and independent so long. I’m not a dominant woman by nature. I am a submissive woman. I crave to be under someone and not the sexual sense. I don’t like having to be in charge and making all the decisions. I don’t like the full weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s really wearing on me. The release I get from a submissive act is so amazing. It’s like each time a little weight gets taken off my shoulders and someone else assumes it. Being chaste and “going it alone” so to speak has made me realize that ultimately I am not a dominant woman at the end of the day. I never really thought I was, but I thought I could have my moments at best. Doing this thing has made me realize that that’s all I really have – moments. Dominant moments where I take control and be in charge. Ultimately though, my place is that of a submissive. Every day my shoulders feel a little heavier and I feel a little sicker. Submission is like therapy for me and without that release, the feelings just build up. The toxins in my system. It’s starting to poison me in just this month of doing this. I really hope I can hold out and continue this without that submissive release. 
Ultimately though, I’m glad I’ve done this. Chastity has been good for me. It’s made me a more mentally, emotionally and intellectually healthy and stable person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve become more focused on what I need in life and what I don’t need. It’s brought me closer to people I value and who value me while taking me farther away from people who were only leading me farther off the right path in life. We all lead very different lives. The one thing that brings us together is the human experience. My experience is very special and very unique. I will never forget that and most of all, I will never forget my value.