Category Archives: lessons

Reevaluating My Own Words

On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.

In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.

I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.

I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.

This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.

And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.

Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.

The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.

That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.

Lessons Learned From My First Play Party

What did I learn at my first group play party? That I think I’m not cut out for play parties.

Everything leading up to the party was fun. I got there early and my host, M, and I “made friends” rather early. Must have been 15 minutes absolutely tops before we were going at it on the couch. Did I mention this was also our first time meeting? He bent me over the couch and did me from behind while he spanked me and called me his whore for the night. I enjoyed that immensely, but like every other sexual experience in my life, it wasn’t very satisfying without the orgasm at the end. Sigh. Maybe some day. But that’s another post.

When we were done, we got cleaned up and went to Target to get some party supplies. Being that I was the “house girl” for the evening, my main responsibilities were to greet the guests, offer them a beverage of their choosing and be available for their use and abuse throughout the night. Thankfully most were respectful and understood I was new to this and still somewhat uncomfortable. I must say, it was really surreal to be walking around Target getting chips, drinks, snacks and extra large boxes of condoms. I think we freaked out the cashier with the unique item selection we had. On the way out we stopped for some food at the Target cafe. The original plan was to have a sit down dinner, but traffic was horrible on my way there so I arrived late.

We arrived back at the hotel and started setting out all the snacks. M instructed me what my duties for the evening were and tied up my breasts with his rope to decorate them. I’d coincidentally forgotten to bring the dress I intended to wear. Seriously, it was an accident. So my outfit for the evening consisted of a rope harness around my breasts, a black lace thong and black patent platform high heels. It was quite the look. I laid out all my toys I’d brought as things people could use if they wanted to. I’d made sure to bring mostly things that could be fully sterilized after use. Tantus products, glass dildos and plugs, and then a random supply of other things.

At some point people started arriving, much later than we’d anticipated. Turns out we likely would have had time to have that sit down dinner we’d been planning. I assumed my role for the evening, greeted guests and made small talk. While I didn’t really find myself in any overtly sexual situation or involving myself in them, I did find that I spent most of my time being a sex toy educator. I guess I can’t turn the switch off, huh? I talked about how I review toys and write this blog. People were really interested and curious to hear about the things I review. That was a lot of fun.

As more people arrived, things got sexier and more skin could be seen. I assumed my roll even more and serviced a few of the guests the best way I could. My mouth is practically miniature so there’s no way 99% of penises fit in it. I ended up licking and sucking at the head more than anything. I sat on laps and talked about fun stuff. Watched some sexy times as well. But one thing that I found interesting here is that I suddenly found myself too shy to even watch sex going on. This was rather curious for me because I’ve always considered myself a voyeur. When I thought back on it after getting home, I realized I should modify that moniker with a word in front of it. I’m a “egotistical voyeur.” I love watching myself get fucked, but not necessarily others. Strange concept and it will probably need more refining and testing as I go along.

People were very interested in my toys and I had put the Crystal Delights Crystal Clear Glass Anal Plug in earlier in the evening. Most wanted to see that and play with it themselves. So I did my fair share of leaning over and showing off my jewelry. And then of course turning around and showing off my vertical clit hood piercing as well. Sparkly in the back and sparkly in the front.

One guy in particular was fascinated with it and bent me over a bed to take a closer inspection. We talked and eventually that led to him grinding on my ass in that position. This was actually fairly early in the evening as he was one of the first guests to arrive. We talked about how this was both our first parties and how surreal it was. Turns out that would be the theme of the evening – surreal.

Time went on and I watched, talked and interacted with all the guests. Everybody was super cool and understood that I was spotting leading up to my dreaded period, so thus not really interested in receiving vaginal sex. Mostly people just played with my boobs, probably because they were highlighted so well. My two friends who were RSVPed guests finally arrived after waiting in vain to pick someone up. They’re very cool people and I love hanging out with them. Hell, if I hadn’t had duties all evening I would have spent most of my time with them. Almost instantly upon her getting there, she became the main entertainment for the party while I sat on his lap and he stroked my exposed skin. Damn, she’s good at sexy things. It’s like watching a great show.

I will tell you that as more people arrived, I got more and more sidetracked and distracted with everything going on around me. I inadvertently turned down an offer to get a little action with the male of the couple I’m friends with. I’m kicking myself still because honestly, I have no recollection of turning down this offer. I figured they’d be there for awhile and I’d just get my turn eventually I guess. Apparently it hurt his feelings a little, but we’ve since resolved it. I still feel terrible. If I had been thinking clearly and not distracted I would have jumped at the opportunity and been all over him. My best defense is my senses and cognitive abilities were so overwhelmed I had no idea what was going on. Sigh.

The one dude who was fascinated with my plug pulled me away from my male friend with the intention of having some anal with me. The slightly funny, slightly sad and all together too awkward problem with this was he squirted way too much Wet Synergy lube in my ass and onĀ  his cock so there was not enough friction. A little bit of silicone lube goes a long way, kiddies. Don’t forget that. Plus, he couldn’t seem to get hard enough to push inside my ass. We agreed it was performance anxiety for him having never “performed” in front of a crowd before. Regardless it was still awkward, and frankly I was a little annoyed I was pulled away from my friend for unsuccessful anal. Oh well, live and learn.

We all watched more sex going on throughout the hotel suite and I attempted to use my Latigo Leather harness but I guess all the girls weren’t interested. I did get a girl to suck my “cock” off and I was super into face fucking her with it. I can definitely see where the attraction for men is. She “jacked” me off too and I enjoyed that. The girls at the party were all gross and covered in various forms of body fluids so we decided to hop in the shower together. At that moment a rather well known MtF transexual female porn start decided to show up and bring friends. Normally trans people are totally not my thing (nothing against them, it’s just not an interest of mine) but they were really cool and people were looking forward to meeting them. Throughout the evening I enjoyed talking to them. Even taught a few some new things about sex toys! Booyah!

Several girls and the porn start hopped in the shower and those who didn’t fit took turns rotating in. Oddly enough it was my first time being in a shower with another person. Funny right? Loved watching girls makeout under the water and even got in on a few makeouts myself.

My friends had to go as they were getting up early the next morning (or later that morning given it was around 2 am at this point.) They departed with spanks, kisses and promises to get together again soon with those who would be available. I got back in the shower with a couple and we joked about fucking in the shower, her with her Feeldoe and him with his cock. Passing me back and forth like a football given their larger stature than mine.

When the showers were done we all just kind of chilled in the main room and talked. The night seemed to be winding down and I was till wide awake so at a certain point I decided to risk the 90 minute drive home instead of staying. I sure as heck wouldn’t be sleeping if I was going to stay. All the party guests decided to leave at the same time and I kissed my host on the way out. He told me he was pleased with me and I had done a good job. That made this Kitten very happy.

Unfortunately on the drive home I started thinking about a lot of things and my emotions caught up with me. I realized some important things about myself and my own preferences. The biggest one is I think if I go to a group party from now on if I can’t go with my lovies (more information on them to come soon) I probably won’t go to participate. Just go to hang out and meet new people. We’d discussed that I was going ahead of time and there wasn’t any issue me going alone, but it made me feel like I was cheating on them almost. Like I was doing something outside of our relationship and it hurt me.

We’ve talked about it since then and agreed it’s probably best as it really put a strain on my emotions to do this without them. I want to be committed to them and nobody else. I have a very, very small number of freebie people and the understanding is they’re okay to play with, but otherwise I’m going to be committed to my lovies. Especially if I end up feeling the way I did after this party again.

Overall, I am glad I went, but the whole thing was a very surreal experience for me. It’s important to do new things in your life, if only to learn what you like and what you don’t like. I definitely learned things in both of those categories as a result of this experience. Would I go to one again knowing what I know? Probably. But I would go just to hang out and probably not to participate. The best might be going as the sex toy educator. I found that to be the most fun aspect of all night. Me thinks it’s a calling?

The bottom line for me is sex parties are fun, but I’m not entirely sure they’re my thing. Maybe with less people and going with my lovies, but alone and at a huge party where I’m still not 100% comfortable might not have been the best experience for me emotionally given I was already a bit thrown off by several other things in my life.

Do I think you should try them? Only if you feel comfortable enough and are looking to meet new people who are kinky and open. Make friends with people who go to them and you might find yourself on the invite list soon enough. As long as you’re safe about being there and use protection and your wits, it may be a much more pleasurable and fun experience for you. Hopefully with less emotional backlash.

I have learned

The real pain from sex and kink doesn’t come from the beatings, the whippings, the floggings, the orgasm denial, the bruises or the bites.

It comes from getting your emotions involved.

“When you wear your heart on your sleeve, it’s bound to go through the wash at some point.” – Me (circa 2005)