Category Archives: friends

Rebirth and Renew!

With the resurgence of my internet presence, I have decided to renew and rebrand my blog. While I still will include personal ramblings and my day to day life (how could I not?), I plan to use this blog from now on to detail my struggles with integrating and incorporating kink into my daily vanilla life. I have some great plans for this blog and I really look forward to bringing my readers some amazing things soon.

What makes me an “undercover kinkster?” I’m living in a buttoned up, black and white world when all I want to do is be free and live in shades of grey. My friends are shocked and embarrassed when I mention anything remotely kinky. “Oh, I know you like it rough,” my one friend casually mentioned once. “I know you like to be dominated,” she mentioned another time. I blushed and changed the topic. Am I open to talking about it? Of course. Ask me anything and I will answer. I’m not thrilled with the condescending tones and judgmental looks. I’m not crazy, insane or otherwise mentally ill. I’m stable and intelligent. I’ve done my research and everything for me is based on the essential BDSM language: “safe, sane and consensual.” I would never look down on someone’s fetishes or kinks if all that are involved are of consenting age and go into it full aware of what they are doing. All I want is to be accepted for who I am and what I like.

In the several years I have been slowly integrating myself more and more into the world of kink, I have begun to refine what excites me. My list is too long to mention here, but I’m sure as time goes on you will get a feel of what goes on in my head.

Welcome and stay for awhile …. I’ll do my best to keep you interested and entertained.

So I just … I don’t know. I’m feeling horribly blah lately. I’m having trouble finding motivation to do anything. Nothing excites me. I miss people I shouldn’t. Things don’t feel the same as they did six months ago. Realistically I know my life is bound to change throughout time, but I’m just kind of in one of those moods where I want things to be how they use to be. From what time I’m not exactly sure. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I’ve lost my spark for most everything in my life. It’s bumming me out.

I feel like people are ignoring me. Not in a conscious way perhaps, but nonetheless ignoring me. Everybody is so damn busy and they have legitimate things that they are doing that don’t include me. Maybe I’m just so egocentric that I want everybody to pay attention to me. It’s a horrible thing to admit to – being self-centered. But I think in a way I am very self-centered. I think it’s part of my exhibitionism. Well, that and probably growing up as pretty much an only child. I was so used to having all the attention on me that I don’t handle it well when I don’t get attention now. I just feel like I’m blending into the wall and I’m trying my best to stand out and get people to pay attention me for nothing to come out of it. All I feel is that I’m pestering people now when I ask them to do stuff, talk or hangout, etc. I hate feeling like I’m pestering people too. Maybe I need some new friends, people who are more apt to be available. I guess that’s just the point we are all at in our lives. We’re all leading very busy lives and it’s hard to stay in touch the way I might like to stay in touch.
I struggle with being lonely so much. It’s a daily battle for me not to be lonely. In a lot of ways it is very contradictory to being independent and wanting my space, but I’m a very clingly and needy person. Terrible personality traits in most people unfortunately.
Sigh. Maybe I need to pick up a new hobby. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I need to just get the fuck over it and stop being emo.