I struggle with the concept of self worth. It’s hard for me to belief that I’m worth the time and energy someone should put into me for them to be worthy of my time. It’s just part of my personality that I constantly have to remind myself that I am something special and something precious.
As most of my emotional difficulties do, I suspect it stems from my childhood. Abandoned by those who love me and made to belief my worth came from being useful. That if I wasn’t making someone happy, I wasn’t worth anything to them. I wasn’t worth anything to me.
In a lot of ways I still very much need to grow up and this is certainly one of those ways. It’s not just a matter of setting my mind to the belief that I am precious. It’s about changing my whole outlook.
For me to understand why someone would find me precious, I must first find myself to be precious. I can’t value myself based on how others value me. I really don’t know how to express what I’m thinking right now but it’s in there, floating around in my brain and probably contributing to the headache I’m feeling right now.
I’m not useful for just one purpose. I’m not just a sexual object for some man’s (or woman’s I guess) use. I am worth more than the sum of my parts and someone who sees me for purely that purpose is not worth my time. Sure, I objectify myself doing some of the things I do and probably the reaction I get from those things partly my own fault, but I can’t lay all the blame on my own shoulders.
The right person for me will see me for everything I am. The sweet girl inside just looking for a safe place to seek shelter from life’s storms and the kinky slut who wants to be used.
At the same time, It’s something I need to remember too. Maintaining that balance among all of the sides of me. Each side being just as important as the next.
I am worth something. I am valuable. I am precious in every regard.
It’s the world that needs to remember that.
I’ve often been told that life is a constant journey of personal growth. I’ve found that to be true in many ways and many situations. My journey into kink is no different in that means.
While I’ve been what I consider sexual from a young age (hell, I was watching porn before it was legal for me to do so) I really haven’t been aware of my own sexuality except for the last couple of years. I would say when I was around 21 I really started figuring out that boobs were a huge guy magnet. I’d never really masturbated until then and I sure as hell hadn’t lost my virginity. I was a slow developer in that area you could say. That is probably due in large part to growing up rather sexually repressed and sheltered. I don’t fault my parents at all for it. In fact, I quite like it. It let me grow up a true child and not have to worry about some of the things other girls have to worry about at a young age. I didn’t date until very well into college. I had boys who were friends but never boyfriends.
My true personal journey into sexuality and kink began last January (2005.) I’d dabbled before, but last January is when it kicked off. At the urging of a friend, I posted some ads on Craig’s List for online dirty chat buddies who were dominant. Ooooh, I got all kinds. Some lasted more than others; some interested me more than others. I found myself thinking and trying new things.
October of 2004 is when I got my first sex toy. I’d been looking at them forever but finally mustered the courage to go to the local adult store for the first time. The rest, as they say, is history. Now I have a collection that would rival most seasoned toy buyers and one that I find myself thoroughly enjoying on a regular basis.
I joined Fetlife.com
a few months ago and that was another watershed for me. Through that medium and my Twitter account
I have made many, many very good friends that I consider some of my best friends. They don’t judge me and I feel like I can talk to them about anything, something I don’t feel like with even some of my close personal, real life friends. I’ve met people I’ve fucked and I’ve met people I want to fuck. I’ve met people who have brought me up and unfortunately I’ve met people that have taken me down. Thankfully those kind of people are quickly removed from my life after I realize who they are.
Life is all about the journey because the destination kind of sucks. My journey is not even close to being done and I actually consider my true journey to have just started. Life begins when you start living it and right now I’m having fun living it the way I want to.
My question for you is this – is your life the way you want it to be?
The real pain from sex and kink doesn’t come from the beatings, the whippings, the floggings, the orgasm denial, the bruises or the bites.
It comes from getting your emotions involved.
“When you wear your heart on your sleeve, it’s bound to go through the wash at some point.” – Me (circa 2005)