Category Archives: emotions

Original Fiction: Longing

I don’t like to admit I still think about him. That I still think about him touching me. That I still think about his smile, his laugh, his back, his hands, his funny sense of humor. It’s one of my dirty little secrets. I thought if I push the memories as deep down inside of me as I could, I could deny they had ever happened. I could ignore the moments we spent together and the touches we shared.

My mind plays tricks on me sometimes. I’ll be out somewhere and think I see him. It stops me dead in my tracks when I do. Part of me wants to run away in fear and part of me wants to run towards him. It always tears me in two when I catch glimpses of his doppelgangers.

There are moments it feels like yesterday and there are moments it feels like a lifetime ago. I have grown and changed so much since then and people who knew me then tell me I’m a different person now. I have mixed emotions about that possibility. A part of me wishes I could still be that person, wild and fancy free. Taking risks much bigger than myself and playing with fire. The problem with that is I have more to lose now. I worry about losing all that I’ve built for myself since him, the least of which is the walls I’ve built around myself and my heart.

I still feel his hands on me sometimes. Large, warm, male hands. He had lovely hands. I still feel the thud, thud, thud of his hands and his tools. I still feel his breath on my skin, hot and heavy.

I still feel the tears I shed for him, fresh as if they were just spilling forth. I told myself long ago I wouldn’t shed any more tears for him. Only time will tell if I stick to that promise.

I long for him … even now.

Fear the Pain, Fear the Pleasure

Fear. It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, but especially pondering tonight. I could tell you why I’m thinking about it especially tonight, but I’d probably end up doing something I’m especially not proud of – hurting another. It’s that thing that I am least proud of doing that I fear the most. I fear hurting another. Fear it until it consumes me.

The last few days I’ve realized though that I tend to do that a lot – hurt people. I don’t intentionally set out to do it. I don’t wake up every morning and think about who’s heart or soul I’m going to crush. It just kind of happens like that. Somehow I manage to do something, say something or even not do or say something that would otherwise prevent someone from being hurt. 

It’s almost an unconscious thing at this point that I draw people to me and ultimately hurt them somehow. I wish I could figure out what triggers it inside me or why I do it. I don’t like seeing people hurt. That I know. I end up hurt as well when I know I’ve hurt them. It pains me to see something like that I’ve caused. And yet somehow it ends up happening over and over again. I swear I don’t do it intentionally.

Another fear of mine? It’s not something I like to admit to. Actually in the grand scheme of my chastity “experiment” it makes sense. I fear that if I don’t stay on it, I’m going to fall right back into the old bad habits I had. I fear jumping back into the “dating” pool and things ending badly. I fear that when I ultimately decide to end my vow I’ll either pick the wrong person to do it with or pick someone who feels for me in a way I don’t feel for them. I don’t want to go back to being the person I used to be. I was a bad person. In a lot of respects I’m still a bad person. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result each time. That’s what I was doing before I took a step back. I was doing the same action expecting something different to happen when my intelligent brain should have known differently.

The worst thing I was doing, and to a large extent continue to do? Attaching myself to the nearest person who showed me any interest simply because I wanted to be with someone. I desperately worry I get involved with people not because of them specifically, but that I want to be with someone in general. I want the concept of being together and not the person I’m with. I’ve brought it up to people who pursue me, and they assure me I’m fine. That they can tell I want to be with them and not the general “them.” But I still worry. I’m a good actor, perhaps even too good. It’s a worry I’ve had for a long time. It’s this long standing fear of mine. That I’ll settle and end up with someone I don’t want to be with deep inside just so I’m not lonely. And here we are right back at the beginning of my little piece here. If I do that, if I settle for someone I’m not really interested in being with just so I’m not lonely, I’ll hurt this person. Hurt them so badly and hurt them when they don’t deserve it.

Fear is something that motivates you. It pushes you forward and pushes you from the dark moments of your life. It pushes you into the light from the shadows. But for me, fear just pushes me into the dark. It pushes me away from those who love me because I fear hurting them. I fear what I could do given the opportunity.

I fear things I should have more control over – my fears.

A Revelation and an Announcement

I’ve decided I don’t want to date for awhile. I don’t even want to play or snuggle with anybody either. There will be no sex in this champagne room.

Why would I want to do something stupid like that?

Because it hit me as my last date left my apartment that I deserve better. Not because I’m all that or I’m perfect or great, but because I owe it to myself. I was so desperate for human companionship that I sank to a level where I was begging for it. No woman should ever have to beg for sex. Or cuddling. Or companionship. It should come naturally.

I need to take a step back and reevaluate what I want, what I am and where I want to be. I need to look at what I became and what happened when I gave into urges and desires that sent me on a path I’m not proud of going on.

Does this change my sex toy reviewing? No. Will this change my libido in any way? Probably not. What this will do is refocus my attention on me and working to make myself better before I can expect someone else to fix my problems. There’s a lot that’s wrong with me and my thought process. I jump into things and do and say thing without thinking. It’s time for my lawyerly training to be put to good use and use my brain and not my pussy.

I think for all intense and purposes, I have just taken a vow of celibacy. The only person fucking me is going to be me. The only person in my bed is going to be my stuffed animals and me. I’ll probably be lonely, but I know I have real, true friends to get me through it.

So when will this period of chastity end, you ask? When I know in my gut the time’s right.

One Is The Loneliest Number

My mind is not a good place to be lately. There’s been a lot of turmoil in my head lately about things in my life lately. I’ve been in probably the deepest depression I’ve experienced in my life. The past few weeks have been better and I thought I was out of it, but the last twelve hours has brought it back full force. I woke up at 2 a.m. and just laid in bed, curled in the fetal position.

I think what’s upsetting me most lately is that I am overwhelmingly lonely. I have legions of followers, friends and admirers and yet I lay in bed every night alone. Every night I long for the feel of safe, comforting, warm, welcoming arms around me and yet I have none. There’s people around the world who lust after me and yet I’m alone. Not trying to sound like an egomaniac; there literally is people around the world that I know of.

Ever since my relationship with V and J broke up I’ve had this empty feeling in my heart. They’ve moved on and hell, I thought I had too. But the more I think about it the more I realize I miss them. I miss the feelings I got from them, the support, the love, the unconditional love. I miss the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being attached to someone. I always thought I was the kind of woman who didn’t have to have a man (or woman) in my life. That I wouldn’t be defined by who I was dating or who I wasn’t dating. But since really getting involved with people, really planning my life with someone, I’ve found living without that kind of attachment is really hard for me. Maybe I’m a serial dater. That I swing from one relationship to the next so quickly without any down time. I honestly don’t know.

I find myself seeking out attention and needing to have someone’s approval. This is the submissive part of me. I need someone there to tell me I’m being a good girl and I’m making them happy. When I don’t have that, I feel lost. Like I have no goal and no one to tell me what I’m doing right or wrong. I know I should internally know these things. That I should have this internal sense of accomplishment. Since getting in touch with my submissive side, I’ve found that this internal voice has gotten much quieter. I seek and crave an external voice telling me these things.

I have so many things I want to say and so many things I want to excise from my head. This, writing these things down, is a form of therapy for me. it cleanses me. Ever since I was a little child, my preferred way of dealing with problems or things too emotional or difficult to deal with was repression. It simply wasn’t happening. So far it’s worked out for me in life, but lately it’s not working so well. These things I’ve long since repressed are coming to the surface and causing problems for me.

This deep sense of loneliness weaves through everything I do and crawls into my very soul. I wake up alone in bed and want someone there. Even if they’re not there, I want someone only a call away. I need it, not just want it. By now I need it to be sane. I wish I could explain to you how many times I’ve laid in bed at night and cried into my pillow with how lonely I am. How many times I’ve had to convince myself that I’m okay and I can do this thing called life when I clearly am having problems.

I’m not this unbreakable, immovable force of nature. I’m not made of steel. I’m a little girl in a grown up body. I’m in need of cuddles more than sex. In need of being held and having my hair stroked. Whispered words of love and desire. How beautiful I am, how they want me and need me in their life. It’s not easy to pretend to be a grown up when inside I don’t feel like one.

Long ago I decided I would walk this life alone. That nobody was out there for me and I had to go it alone. Every day that passes where I don’t find someone who completes me just reinforces that in my head. It’s a sad but true belief I go through life with. This tiny piece of me holds out hope that there’s someone out there who will want me just as much as I want them. It’s the part I cling to to keep me sane. Sanity – the thing I feel slipping away more and more everyday.

These demons in my head. They won’t go away. They won’t quiet. They whisper in my ear and tell me I’m unloveable, unwantable, undesirable. They refuse to go away and take the loneliness with them. I’m not unbreakable. The cracks are starting to show.

Freedom to Roam

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own personal nature. About things I need from life and from relationships. About my definition of happiness in relationships and what I can do ahead of time to ensure that happiness.

First and foremost, I need someone who accepts me for me. Although I am only 24 years young of what I assume will be a very long, full life, I’ve gone through a lot. I had to grown up very early as a child and subsequently my parents joke I came out of the womb being 35. I never related to kids my age, instead preferring to be by myself or with older people. I developed my own ways of doing things and my own rituals and methods. I am stubborn – I readily admit that. Don’t try to change me or change my ways. While I am not perfect, I am me. I am flawed in many ways but I am perfect the way I am. Everything about me is because of a reason, many that I probably don’t even know yet. It’s just how it is.

Secondly, I need freedom to roam. I think that’s what I’m looking for most in this life. Someone who will hold me close but let me go when I want to be see what’s out there. I’m not talking about just temporal traveling, but also in a monogamy sense. Love me. Hold me. Provide for me what I need in life. I will return your gifts in tenfold. But at the same time, I am a flirtatious person who really likes sex and really likes tasting all the colors of the rainbow. I like expanding my horizons and all those other colorful euphemisms for sleeping around. I will always come back to you in the end, but the right person for me needs to be secure in themselves and our relationship to let me go outside of it if I want to. This is an inherent part of me and something I cannot change. It is as much my nature as it is my nature to be submissive or correct people’s use of “titled” and “entitled.” I’m not tired of you, want to see other people or love you any less when I say I need to experience life and experience other people. You can fulfill every one of my physical needs and I will still feel this pull to experience the flesh of another.

Thirdly, I need to be able to open up to someone. I have so much crap in my head most days, most moments that I get weighed down. The right person for me will be able to draw that darkness out of my body in any way possible. Through sex, through holding me, through challenging me mentally and intellectually. When I get too far and deep in my head it’s a hard job to pull me back out, but it’s one that needs to be done for the good of everyone around me. Cleanse my soul and return me to grace. Implicit in opening up is a belief and trust that someone won’t judge me for the thoughts in there. They can be both pretty dark and pretty self-loathing. In my deepest of moments, I’ve hated myself inside and out. I’ve always found ways to pull myself up out of those pits, but at some point there’s going to come a moment where my own effort may not be enough. I’m going to need help. I need to be able to know you’ll be there, ready, willing and able to pull me up and shelter me from myself.

When the moonlight spills down on us in bed from the open window, I want to be able to know I’m with the right person. That I’ve put my trust in the higher power I believe in and She has led me on the right path. It’s a gut feeling, one not easily defined. I wish I knew what it felt like so I could recognize it when I have it, but that’s part of process. Learning to recognize what is right and what is wrong. I’m still learning …

The more I think about it though … what I really need of the above three things? Though it’s not an exhaustive list by any means, what I really need most of all is the second item. I need that freedom.

Just because I walk away doesn’t mean I won’t walk back.

A Hurt Deep Inside

I have so much to say but I’m simply at a loss for words. The screen stares back at me, blank and waiting for the words to pour out. It’s ready for all the emotional revelations and deep emotional turmoil I’m suffering right now. And yet, all I want to do is cry. I want to cry and be held by the ones I love. The ones I will always love. Just when I think I’ve shed my last tear and I can start healing, the tears start again and don’t seem to stop.

I love V and J with all my heart. I love them like my soulmates, partners, best friends, confidants. Everything I could ever ask for in life. And yet somehow we’ve ended up separating. I’ve been convinced this is the best thing for now. I want to scream and rage and tell them they’re wrong. That the best thing is for us to be together and work through this. That we just need to keep trying to change the problems keeping us apart. That distance doesn’t matter when you love someone. That even if you only get to see them once a year, that’s enough. Okay, that last bit is a load of bullshit, but it’s how I get through my days.

I wake up and know they want me with them and I want to be with them. That will never change. Here I am, at 3 am sobbing my eyes out after having done so for almost three hours yesterday. Right now it’s a hurt that feels like it will never go away until I’m with them again and we can be one.

Through good times and the not so good times, I gave them everything. I opened my heart and showed them a side of me nobody has ever seen. I took down my thick, impenetrable walls I put up long ago to keep people out and to keep people from hurting me. Having let someone inside and then letting this happen, it’s a hurt I can’t even describe.

How can you love people so much you’ve never even touched? That you’ve never looked in their eyes and seen the love you know they have for you? How can you know they ache for your touch as much as you ache for theirs? I lay here and want nothing more in this world than to be theirs for all of time and want to spend every night in their arms.

Simple geography and forces beyond all our control are preventing this. I’m so mad at the universe for keeping me away from the two people I want to be with most. I want to rage and scream and blame so many things beside myself. I want to make it better and feel in control again.

But that’s not going to happen. I’m not in control and it scares me. I’m not in control of my own emotions, my own tears, my own love life, my own destiny. I can’t control the few things in this world I so desperately want to control. It would be so easy to drive to the airport right now, load my credit card up with plane tickets and never come back. To slip into bed with them and feel their warm skin against mine and know this was where I’m meant to be all along. How can something that feels so right be so impossible to accomplish?

I know I’m being tested right now. That some day all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and we will be together. It seems unlikely right now, but it’s a belief I have to cling to if I want to get through this. If I want to come through this on the other side.

I know some day I won’t feel this empty. I won’t feel this out of control. I won’t feel this broken. I won’t feel like my life I planned for has been taken away from me by forces beyond my control.

But for right now, that’s what I feel. There’s only two people in this world that can fix that feeling and I can’t be with them. I’m being denied the one thing that can heal this terribly broken and practically shattered heart of mine.

Until then, I will continue to cry.

I can haz cuddles?

So this has been recently on my mind. My loves are so far away. That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of having a long distance relationship. I’m 100% committed to them and have no intention of breaking that commitment. The issue of cuddles is something we’ve discussed at length among the three of us.

As humans we innately need touch. It’s a deep seeded longing we all have. When I talk to or meet someone who doesn’t like being touched or cuddling, I honestly don’t know how to interact with them on this topic. I love cuddling. I love everything about it. I love the feel of another human’s skin against mine. I love strong arms around me, holding me safe and keeping the world out even if for a moment. There is just something so special about feeling another person’s heartbeat against yours and knowing that they want to be touching you.

For me cuddling doesn’t necessarily implicate intimacy, but it’s undeniable how intimate the act often is. I don’t cuddle with just anybody. I’ve had sexual partners with no cuddling involved and I’ve had sexual partners where extensive cuddling is involved. Unequivocally I prefer the latter instead of the former. Someone who wants to have sex with me and yet doesn’t want to cuddle before or after the actual act just doesn’t interest me as much as someone who does.

A few weeks I thought about when the last time I cuddled with someone was and to be frank and honest I couldn’t remember a time. It was probably sometime in early to mid April. That’s almost four months with no real cuddling. Sure, I’ve gone longer, but I haven’t gone longer when I’ve been in a relationship with someone. When I’m single, sure I want human touch but it doesn’t seem to be as strongly directed towards desiring cuddling without necessarily implicating anything sexual attached. Now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself wanting cuddles more and more. Sure, those cuddle desires are mainly from my loves, but realistically they can’t be here to cuddle me. We all understand that. It’s a tough thing to deal with and to a certain extent, we all suffer from that distance. I’ve tested the long distance waters regarding long distance relationships before and found them generally distasteful because of the lack of physical interactions. But I cannot pass up the opportunity to be with such amazing people as my loves simply because they are so far away. To do that would be to deny a part of me that I desire. Because that’s what they are – a part of me. These parts of me just happen to be separated by 2500 miles.

To a large extent I also think my need for cuddles over sex (though this is not to say my desire for sex is not there) has been influenced by the medication I take. I’m on 75 mg of Effexor a day, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I would prefer not to take it simply because of the sexual side effects and I’m also pretty sure after talking to a dermatologist that I’m also allergic to the medicine somewhat thanks to itchy side effects as well. But realistically I can function much better with the medication. I am more stable and don’t freak out about little stuff. I feel more balanced and capable. But that’s all a side note. This isn’t about my medications.

It’s about cuddles. It’s about my love of and desire for cuddles – cuddles with the people I love and want to spend my life with. I have been given permission to cuddle and interact with others if I request it, but it won’t be the same until I’m in my loves’ arms and it’s them holding me. I think they feel that way too. Until that date. We are simply three parts of the same whole separated by mileage, time and a chasm so wide that only closeness will help. I miss them more than I can say and I want to be with them even more.

I love you, V & J. With my entire being and my entire soul, of which you both carry pieces.

Rock and A Hard Place

 I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I have these decisions I need to make and all I can do is avoid them. Go left, there are good things. Go right, there are good things. The problem is both directions also have bad things and potholes in my path. I simply don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I wish there was some easy solution to my quandaries but there simply isn’t. I think whatever decision I make, someone is going to get hurt. The question is thus – do I want that person to be me or do I want that person to be someone else? Am I even comfortable doing that to another human being? Can I put myself first knowing someone else has to come second?

On top of all of this, I feel restless. I love where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing. There’s no question about that. The restless comes from the fact that I feel like I’m in a holding pattern right now. So many things left undecided that I’d just rather decide and begin the rest of my life. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Absolutely no idea. I have no idea where I’ll be or what job I’ll have, but I have a good idea of who I want to be with.

I love V and J with all my heart and that will never change. It just seems like there are so many roadblocks in front of us to true happiness together. At what point do those roadblocks wear me down enough that it’s not worth it? Right now, it’s worth it. It will always be worth it. But six months from now, a year from now, five years from now, will it still be worth it? My heart says yes. The rational, sensible side of my head isn’t so sure. I want to go with my heart. I want to live with my heart and stop being so fucking sane. It’s good to go a little insane every now and then. Live by impulse. Okay, maybe impulse is the wrong word. Live by gut instinct. My gut instinct is telling me that I love them. I am going with that.

Maybe the answer to all of this is there’s no answer.

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.

Reflections on Times Past

I mourn for the relationships that went bad.

I mourn for the times we shared and the times we didn’t get to share.

I mourn for those I considered friends and now consider nothing.

I mourn for feelings I thought I had, feelings I did have and feelings I wish I hadn’t had.

I mourn for the loss of those who were once special.

I mourn for their arms around me, making me feel safe and needed.

I mourn for experiences we talked about but never got to.

I mourn for long conversations we had in the dark of night that I wish we could return to, if just to talk through the things we didn’t.

I mourn for the moments that we were silent when we should have been talking.

I mourn for wanting you back and yet never wanting to talk to you.

I mourn for the memories I still have and the memories I was denied.

I mourn for your affection, your love, your attention I will never have.

I mourn for no longer being special to you even though you will always be special to me.

I mourn for the hateful words we directed at each other in the heat of battle.

I mourn for the pain I inflicted and received.

I mourn for the part of my heart you took with you when you left, whether because of you or because of me.

I mourn for dreams of the future I had and will never see realized.

I mourn for the happy moments I wished for and won’t get.

I mourn for your absence from my life, however long you were in it.

I mourn for what might have been and instead never will be.

I mourn for those special to me that I have lost.

I mourn for you.