From time to time I write articles for EdenCafe.com, the last of which I posted a response to about two weeks ago. Today a new article I wrote was posted. On Love, Lust and Infatuation is about trying to define the boundaries and definitions of each in my life. Take a read and let me know what you think.
On April 31, 2010 I wrote this article for EdenCafe about being the “other woman” in a relationship. These relationships were both with the knowledge of the male’s woman and without her knowledge. When I wrote that article I was admittedly pining over someone I realistically shouldn’t have been and I found myself in an almost pseudo-relationship with him. I’m sure he didn’t see it as one but we were close for sure.
In the past I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I look back on them now with pain. I cringe and worry about my karma, something I definitely believe in. Only now after some reflection and some soul searching do I realize why I was doing these things. I was looking for love in the wrong places and trying to fill a void within myself.
I know that I wrote this article just a little over a month ago at this point, but it was just posted on Eden Cafe today and it has caused me to do some reflecting. In this short amount time I’ve grown so much and found something I was looking for all along. Previously I’ve talked about how I doubt that monogamy is for me on this blog and I stand by that. This past weekend’s events made me reevaluate that proposition again. After really thinking about it and talking with people I love, I came to a decision.
I simply have too much love in me to romantically love just one person. But at the same time, I need to feel committed to my significant others. A traditional “open” relationship (a paradox in terms) does not work for me. I think there are too many emotional pitfalls in such a relationship for me. I need to have strict guidelines and understand that I’m owned and committed to someone or to someones.
This is where my current relationship fits into this pattern. The party I went to made me crave solidifying this relationship. V, J and I were together previous to this party, but our discussions after it made us realize that we needed to formalize it and announce it for each of us to be at peace and enjoy our relationship. To do this, we “formally” involved ourselves in a relationship on Fetlife.com and announced it on our Twitter accounts. It’s such a cliched way of making our relationship known but at the same time I can’t explain the level of peace I found after these formalities were completed. I felt whole, I felt human, I felt loved, I felt desired and the world knew about us now. We are together and completely happy being together.
And the best part of all of this? I’m not the other woman and never have to be now. I was looking for a “triangle” relationship all along instead of a “v” relationship. I love V just as much as I love J and the reverse is true. I’m not a third; I’m simply someone else to love and someone else in their relationship. While I’m not with them 24/7, I know I’m on their minds and in their thoughts 24/7. Two people want me and I want those two people.
Looking back on this Eden Cafe article now that I’m in this relationship is like opening a Pandora’s Box into my past actions. I wish I could renounce who I was when I wrote this article, even though it was such a small amount of time ago. In little over a month I’ve changed so deep down (something I didn’t think was possible) that I don’t even have an answer or defense of some of the things I wrote in that article. I wish I could defend my words and actions, but I can’t.
The best thing I can do now? Look back on the things I’ve done and learn from them. Take them for what they were and become a better person. I would not be who I am today if I hadn’t done those things and had those experiences. I can take these experiences and lessons and not do these things in my current relationship. I love V and J and want them both. I’ve promised never to exclude one for another.
That person I was before? Is not the person I am now. And I thank the Goddess for that every moment of the day. Because if I was still that person, I wouldn’t have V or J.