Category Archives: cuddles

Long Time, No Blog

So it’s been awhile since I’ve been here, I know. I could give you some bullshit excuse why I haven’t been around more (*cough*bar exam*cough*) but besides that doozie of an excuse, August has pretty much been the month from hell for me so far.

Stress has been majorly kicking my ass lately. Admittedly 90% of the year I do not have a very stressful job. It’s quiet and there’s not much work involved in it. I sit at a desk and answer calls. I take rent money and try to collect rent when people are delinquent in paying. That 10% of the year that is stressful though is just an absolute 100% nightmare. When everybody is moving in and out of apartments, I get constant and continual bitching from everybody on all sides. The tenants bitch when things aren’t done; maintenance bitches that we push them too hard and they don’t have time to do everything. My boss and co-worker bitches that people are too whiny (because having all the toilets in the apartment not working is whining?) Meanwhile, I answer calls and get to deal with everybody on all sides.

But all that is beside the point. I also haven’t blogged a lot because I just don’t feel I have anything interesting to say. I haven’t done anything kinky, sexy or otherwise fetish-oriented in a very long time. I think that’s what’s been getting me the most lately. I have no outlet for these thoughts and desires. Sure, I get them like normal and get them with a vengeance sometimes. I express them to someone who listens and wants to work through them with me, but he is across the country and only can do so much for me.

That brings me to my biggest stumbling point lately. I am desperately lonely. When I went on my chastity vow last October, I thought I would go a couple months tops before it “felt right” again. Maybe at the worst I’d go six months. Actually I felt that if I went six months, I would be in really good shape and would have broken my tendency to engage in the destructive behaviors that led to me taking my vow in the first place. I couldn’t have guessed last October that I’d now be going into September of 2011 still without sex or even cuddling. Sure, I’ve played once (SINSations in Leather in April) but one play session does not make for a fulfilling kink life. Ideally, it should be something more regular.

I find myself wondering more and more lately if I’m just going to be alone. It seems like there are so many people out there supporting me, telling me they would love one change to “be with” me, or anything similar. Despite all this, I come home every night from an exhausting job to an apartment filled with stuffed animals for companions. I can’t say I’ve cooked myself a full meal in weeks, if not months. Why go through the effort of cooking a full meal if it’s just going to be me eating it?

In general though, I’m feeling very uninspired. I have all these things I want to do theoretically, but I end up looking into them and not really caring. I want to feel motivated again. I’ve talked before how I would like to get into modeling of some sort and I am still very much so interested in that. Six months ago I had several photographers more than willing to shoot me and the only things standing in the way of that was scheduling and distance. Those people seem to have disappeared into the woodwork now and I’m left with a desire but no photographer.

It seems like my drive to review products is starting to wane too. Everything is alike. How can I make reviews stand out and seem interesting? There are so few products in the sphere of sex and bondage toys that I would be willing to review. I won’t compromise on quality materials and absolutely refuse to use body unsafe materials. Plus it seems like no fetish wear or bondage gear manufacturer or retailer is willing to do any kind of review system. It’s pretty frustrating to find things to review.

So what should I do? I really don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. There’s so many things I want to do. So many mountains I want to climb and adventurers to have. It’s just a matter of seeing what comes up and what I’m willing to do. I’m spreading my wings now that school is over, but so much is up in the air right now that I’m still feeling pretty lost right now. Until I have results from the bar exam, I have no idea what to do next in my life.

I can haz cuddles?

So this has been recently on my mind. My loves are so far away. That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of having a long distance relationship. I’m 100% committed to them and have no intention of breaking that commitment. The issue of cuddles is something we’ve discussed at length among the three of us.

As humans we innately need touch. It’s a deep seeded longing we all have. When I talk to or meet someone who doesn’t like being touched or cuddling, I honestly don’t know how to interact with them on this topic. I love cuddling. I love everything about it. I love the feel of another human’s skin against mine. I love strong arms around me, holding me safe and keeping the world out even if for a moment. There is just something so special about feeling another person’s heartbeat against yours and knowing that they want to be touching you.

For me cuddling doesn’t necessarily implicate intimacy, but it’s undeniable how intimate the act often is. I don’t cuddle with just anybody. I’ve had sexual partners with no cuddling involved and I’ve had sexual partners where extensive cuddling is involved. Unequivocally I prefer the latter instead of the former. Someone who wants to have sex with me and yet doesn’t want to cuddle before or after the actual act just doesn’t interest me as much as someone who does.

A few weeks I thought about when the last time I cuddled with someone was and to be frank and honest I couldn’t remember a time. It was probably sometime in early to mid April. That’s almost four months with no real cuddling. Sure, I’ve gone longer, but I haven’t gone longer when I’ve been in a relationship with someone. When I’m single, sure I want human touch but it doesn’t seem to be as strongly directed towards desiring cuddling without necessarily implicating anything sexual attached. Now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself wanting cuddles more and more. Sure, those cuddle desires are mainly from my loves, but realistically they can’t be here to cuddle me. We all understand that. It’s a tough thing to deal with and to a certain extent, we all suffer from that distance. I’ve tested the long distance waters regarding long distance relationships before and found them generally distasteful because of the lack of physical interactions. But I cannot pass up the opportunity to be with such amazing people as my loves simply because they are so far away. To do that would be to deny a part of me that I desire. Because that’s what they are – a part of me. These parts of me just happen to be separated by 2500 miles.

To a large extent I also think my need for cuddles over sex (though this is not to say my desire for sex is not there) has been influenced by the medication I take. I’m on 75 mg of Effexor a day, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I would prefer not to take it simply because of the sexual side effects and I’m also pretty sure after talking to a dermatologist that I’m also allergic to the medicine somewhat thanks to itchy side effects as well. But realistically I can function much better with the medication. I am more stable and don’t freak out about little stuff. I feel more balanced and capable. But that’s all a side note. This isn’t about my medications.

It’s about cuddles. It’s about my love of and desire for cuddles – cuddles with the people I love and want to spend my life with. I have been given permission to cuddle and interact with others if I request it, but it won’t be the same until I’m in my loves’ arms and it’s them holding me. I think they feel that way too. Until that date. We are simply three parts of the same whole separated by mileage, time and a chasm so wide that only closeness will help. I miss them more than I can say and I want to be with them even more.

I love you, V & J. With my entire being and my entire soul, of which you both carry pieces.