Fear. It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, but especially pondering tonight. I could tell you why I’m thinking about it especially tonight, but I’d probably end up doing something I’m especially not proud of – hurting another. It’s that thing that I am least proud of doing that I fear the most. I fear hurting another. Fear it until it consumes me.
The last few days I’ve realized though that I tend to do that a lot – hurt people. I don’t intentionally set out to do it. I don’t wake up every morning and think about who’s heart or soul I’m going to crush. It just kind of happens like that. Somehow I manage to do something, say something or even not do or say something that would otherwise prevent someone from being hurt.
It’s almost an unconscious thing at this point that I draw people to me and ultimately hurt them somehow. I wish I could figure out what triggers it inside me or why I do it. I don’t like seeing people hurt. That I know. I end up hurt as well when I know I’ve hurt them. It pains me to see something like that I’ve caused. And yet somehow it ends up happening over and over again. I swear I don’t do it intentionally.
Another fear of mine? It’s not something I like to admit to. Actually in the grand scheme of my chastity “experiment” it makes sense. I fear that if I don’t stay on it, I’m going to fall right back into the old bad habits I had. I fear jumping back into the “dating” pool and things ending badly. I fear that when I ultimately decide to end my vow I’ll either pick the wrong person to do it with or pick someone who feels for me in a way I don’t feel for them. I don’t want to go back to being the person I used to be. I was a bad person. In a lot of respects I’m still a bad person. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result each time. That’s what I was doing before I took a step back. I was doing the same action expecting something different to happen when my intelligent brain should have known differently.
The worst thing I was doing, and to a large extent continue to do? Attaching myself to the nearest person who showed me any interest simply because I wanted to be with someone. I desperately worry I get involved with people not because of them specifically, but that I want to be with someone in general. I want the concept of being together and not the person I’m with. I’ve brought it up to people who pursue me, and they assure me I’m fine. That they can tell I want to be with them and not the general “them.” But I still worry. I’m a good actor, perhaps even too good. It’s a worry I’ve had for a long time. It’s this long standing fear of mine. That I’ll settle and end up with someone I don’t want to be with deep inside just so I’m not lonely. And here we are right back at the beginning of my little piece here. If I do that, if I settle for someone I’m not really interested in being with just so I’m not lonely, I’ll hurt this person. Hurt them so badly and hurt them when they don’t deserve it.
Fear is something that motivates you. It pushes you forward and pushes you from the dark moments of your life. It pushes you into the light from the shadows. But for me, fear just pushes me into the dark. It pushes me away from those who love me because I fear hurting them. I fear what I could do given the opportunity.
I fear things I should have more control over – my fears.