Category Archives: chastity

Fear the Pain, Fear the Pleasure

Fear. It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, but especially pondering tonight. I could tell you why I’m thinking about it especially tonight, but I’d probably end up doing something I’m especially not proud of – hurting another. It’s that thing that I am least proud of doing that I fear the most. I fear hurting another. Fear it until it consumes me.

The last few days I’ve realized though that I tend to do that a lot – hurt people. I don’t intentionally set out to do it. I don’t wake up every morning and think about who’s heart or soul I’m going to crush. It just kind of happens like that. Somehow I manage to do something, say something or even not do or say something that would otherwise prevent someone from being hurt. 

It’s almost an unconscious thing at this point that I draw people to me and ultimately hurt them somehow. I wish I could figure out what triggers it inside me or why I do it. I don’t like seeing people hurt. That I know. I end up hurt as well when I know I’ve hurt them. It pains me to see something like that I’ve caused. And yet somehow it ends up happening over and over again. I swear I don’t do it intentionally.

Another fear of mine? It’s not something I like to admit to. Actually in the grand scheme of my chastity “experiment” it makes sense. I fear that if I don’t stay on it, I’m going to fall right back into the old bad habits I had. I fear jumping back into the “dating” pool and things ending badly. I fear that when I ultimately decide to end my vow I’ll either pick the wrong person to do it with or pick someone who feels for me in a way I don’t feel for them. I don’t want to go back to being the person I used to be. I was a bad person. In a lot of respects I’m still a bad person. Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result each time. That’s what I was doing before I took a step back. I was doing the same action expecting something different to happen when my intelligent brain should have known differently.

The worst thing I was doing, and to a large extent continue to do? Attaching myself to the nearest person who showed me any interest simply because I wanted to be with someone. I desperately worry I get involved with people not because of them specifically, but that I want to be with someone in general. I want the concept of being together and not the person I’m with. I’ve brought it up to people who pursue me, and they assure me I’m fine. That they can tell I want to be with them and not the general “them.” But I still worry. I’m a good actor, perhaps even too good. It’s a worry I’ve had for a long time. It’s this long standing fear of mine. That I’ll settle and end up with someone I don’t want to be with deep inside just so I’m not lonely. And here we are right back at the beginning of my little piece here. If I do that, if I settle for someone I’m not really interested in being with just so I’m not lonely, I’ll hurt this person. Hurt them so badly and hurt them when they don’t deserve it.

Fear is something that motivates you. It pushes you forward and pushes you from the dark moments of your life. It pushes you into the light from the shadows. But for me, fear just pushes me into the dark. It pushes me away from those who love me because I fear hurting them. I fear what I could do given the opportunity.

I fear things I should have more control over – my fears.

Chastity So Far? It’s a Drag … Sort Of

So here I am, over a month after taking my official vow of chastity. There’s been a lot of growth that’s happened in the last month for me. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, my methods, my mentalities and my way of living. I’ve lost some friends and gained some. I’ve changed the way I do a lot of things in life, most of them related to my sex life. 
What have I learned so far? I’m a better person that I give myself credit for. Sure I’ve done a lot of shitty things so far in life, but for the longest time I’ve brought myself down and discouraged myself from pursuing things I’ve always wanted to. In that regard, I’m the only person holding myself back from accomplishing my goals in life. I’m the one who’s put these rules and restrictions on me. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I spend too much time in my own head and question myself. It makes me tentative, hesitant and full of self doubt. I need to be more confident in myself. Move forward in life with less doubt and don’t look back as much. 
The second thing I’ve learned is that for the longest time I’ve replaced emotional intimacy with sex or other sexual interactions. This is a weird concept for me though because admittedly I’ve only been “de-virginized” since for little over two years now. Yes, I now. It’s hard to wrap your head around. Someone who is so out there with so many different sexual interests and fetishes is only recently sexually active. How did I hold it in so long? Suppression. That’s pretty much how I deal with a lot of issues in my life actually. I suppressed this sexual side of me for so long that once it finally got a taste of fresh air, well … I kind of went crazy with it. I wanted as much as I could as fast as I could. I wasn’t discerning enough with my sexual partners. I was picking people who were in it for the sex and not in it for the connection. For me, the physical activity and the emotional and intellectual connections need to be entwined when it comes to sexual activity. I can’t have one without the other. It just doesn’t work. By going after the physical activity alone, I was neglecting the other side of it. Only by stepping back and examining my methods have I learned this. I can’t separate those two things without long term damage to my mental health. 
The third thing? I can go without sex. Really! I can. As someone who doesn’t orgasm from partnered sexual activity, whether oral or any kind of penetrative sex, sex isn’t about chasing the orgasm for me. It’s about that emotional connection I was seeking. I rush through the sex so I can get to that cuddling afterglow afterwards. Someone who walks out on that is almost hurting me worse than they could imagine. Cutting myself off from most any kind of intimate contact has shown me that I can be the hardest, most chaste, solitary person and still desire human touch. It’s necessary for my mental heath. And honestly, that’s what’s wearing on me the most at this point. I’m missing that human touch in my life. I was talking to J (of V & J fame) last night and she was questioning me on my rules for this whole chastity thing. She was amazed that I set it up so strictly that I can’t even cuddle with someone “unless it feels right.” That’s my emergency out. It has to feel right. The people who I want to cuddle with are far away from me, practically in another land. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and pretend my pillows are them, and it brings tears to my eyes. The people I know that would provide me with that emotional intimacy without asking anything more from me are so far away. They would respect my vow and me wanting to be emotionally and mentally healthy before I engage in any sexual activity of any kind. 
Speaking of which, I’ve parted ways with some people who I would have considered close friends a month ago. It hurt like a bitch at the time. Like cutting off a limb. These were the people I bared my heart and body to, but now I see I was doing it in that unhealthy way. I was going after something they didn’t want. Our lives and mentalities were very different and continue to be. I don’t consider anybody’s way of life that is different than mine to be worse or better, just different. If it works for someone and doesn’t harm others, go for it. I’m not going to speak ill of any one way of life or promote any one way of life. I’ve never said my way is the best. Hell, I wouldn’t wish chastity on my worst enemy if they didn’t want it. Chastity is something that someone has to go into willingly. People think just going without any sexual activity for a long period of time is considered chastity. For me, it’s not. That’s just … a drought. Chastity involves purposefully abstaining from sexual activity for some reason. Mine is for mental health. 
But most of all? The biggest lesson I’ve learned being chaste in the last month – I can only be strong and independent so long. I’m not a dominant woman by nature. I am a submissive woman. I crave to be under someone and not the sexual sense. I don’t like having to be in charge and making all the decisions. I don’t like the full weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s really wearing on me. The release I get from a submissive act is so amazing. It’s like each time a little weight gets taken off my shoulders and someone else assumes it. Being chaste and “going it alone” so to speak has made me realize that ultimately I am not a dominant woman at the end of the day. I never really thought I was, but I thought I could have my moments at best. Doing this thing has made me realize that that’s all I really have – moments. Dominant moments where I take control and be in charge. Ultimately though, my place is that of a submissive. Every day my shoulders feel a little heavier and I feel a little sicker. Submission is like therapy for me and without that release, the feelings just build up. The toxins in my system. It’s starting to poison me in just this month of doing this. I really hope I can hold out and continue this without that submissive release. 
Ultimately though, I’m glad I’ve done this. Chastity has been good for me. It’s made me a more mentally, emotionally and intellectually healthy and stable person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve become more focused on what I need in life and what I don’t need. It’s brought me closer to people I value and who value me while taking me farther away from people who were only leading me farther off the right path in life. We all lead very different lives. The one thing that brings us together is the human experience. My experience is very special and very unique. I will never forget that and most of all, I will never forget my value. 

A Revelation and an Announcement

I’ve decided I don’t want to date for awhile. I don’t even want to play or snuggle with anybody either. There will be no sex in this champagne room.

Why would I want to do something stupid like that?

Because it hit me as my last date left my apartment that I deserve better. Not because I’m all that or I’m perfect or great, but because I owe it to myself. I was so desperate for human companionship that I sank to a level where I was begging for it. No woman should ever have to beg for sex. Or cuddling. Or companionship. It should come naturally.

I need to take a step back and reevaluate what I want, what I am and where I want to be. I need to look at what I became and what happened when I gave into urges and desires that sent me on a path I’m not proud of going on.

Does this change my sex toy reviewing? No. Will this change my libido in any way? Probably not. What this will do is refocus my attention on me and working to make myself better before I can expect someone else to fix my problems. There’s a lot that’s wrong with me and my thought process. I jump into things and do and say thing without thinking. It’s time for my lawyerly training to be put to good use and use my brain and not my pussy.

I think for all intense and purposes, I have just taken a vow of celibacy. The only person fucking me is going to be me. The only person in my bed is going to be my stuffed animals and me. I’ll probably be lonely, but I know I have real, true friends to get me through it.

So when will this period of chastity end, you ask? When I know in my gut the time’s right.