A Hurt Deep Inside

I have so much to say but I’m simply at a loss for words. The screen stares back at me, blank and waiting for the words to pour out. It’s ready for all the emotional revelations and deep emotional turmoil I’m suffering right now. And yet, all I want to do is cry. I want to cry and be held by the ones I love. The ones I will always love. Just when I think I’ve shed my last tear and I can start healing, the tears start again and don’t seem to stop.

I love V and J with all my heart. I love them like my soulmates, partners, best friends, confidants. Everything I could ever ask for in life. And yet somehow we’ve ended up separating. I’ve been convinced this is the best thing for now. I want to scream and rage and tell them they’re wrong. That the best thing is for us to be together and work through this. That we just need to keep trying to change the problems keeping us apart. That distance doesn’t matter when you love someone. That even if you only get to see them once a year, that’s enough. Okay, that last bit is a load of bullshit, but it’s how I get through my days.

I wake up and know they want me with them and I want to be with them. That will never change. Here I am, at 3 am sobbing my eyes out after having done so for almost three hours yesterday. Right now it’s a hurt that feels like it will never go away until I’m with them again and we can be one.

Through good times and the not so good times, I gave them everything. I opened my heart and showed them a side of me nobody has ever seen. I took down my thick, impenetrable walls I put up long ago to keep people out and to keep people from hurting me. Having let someone inside and then letting this happen, it’s a hurt I can’t even describe.

How can you love people so much you’ve never even touched? That you’ve never looked in their eyes and seen the love you know they have for you? How can you know they ache for your touch as much as you ache for theirs? I lay here and want nothing more in this world than to be theirs for all of time and want to spend every night in their arms.

Simple geography and forces beyond all our control are preventing this. I’m so mad at the universe for keeping me away from the two people I want to be with most. I want to rage and scream and blame so many things beside myself. I want to make it better and feel in control again.

But that’s not going to happen. I’m not in control and it scares me. I’m not in control of my own emotions, my own tears, my own love life, my own destiny. I can’t control the few things in this world I so desperately want to control. It would be so easy to drive to the airport right now, load my credit card up with plane tickets and never come back. To slip into bed with them and feel their warm skin against mine and know this was where I’m meant to be all along. How can something that feels so right be so impossible to accomplish?

I know I’m being tested right now. That some day all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and we will be together. It seems unlikely right now, but it’s a belief I have to cling to if I want to get through this. If I want to come through this on the other side.

I know some day I won’t feel this empty. I won’t feel this out of control. I won’t feel this broken. I won’t feel like my life I planned for has been taken away from me by forces beyond my control.

But for right now, that’s what I feel. There’s only two people in this world that can fix that feeling and I can’t be with them. I’m being denied the one thing that can heal this terribly broken and practically shattered heart of mine.

Until then, I will continue to cry.

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